RELATIONSHIPS / JEALOUSY
Sorry, but Jealousy isn’t real
We need to start recognising the true issues in our relationships that we’ve been conditioned to call “jealousy”
I’m going to let you into a secret about relationships: Jealousy isn’t real.
No, really. It doesn’t exist. It’s not a real thing.
And believing in “jealousy” is preventing us from recognising and acknowledging the true issues that are damaging our relationships. But if jealousy isn’t real, then what is it?
I was preventing myself from recognising the root causes of these problems
Like most people, in my past relationships, I have experienced the emotions that I had been conditioned to call “jealousy”.
I’ll pick out a couple of examples.
One former partner wouldn’t allow me to be friends with certain women. At the time I didn’t think much of it. I thought it was natural for a girlfriend to be “jealous” of other women. And as it wasn’t all women she wanted me to stay away from, I figured this was simply part of being in a relationship. Much later I worked out it was only women she considered attractive. Women she considered, consciously or not, as a potential threat.
Another former partner got upset when I wouldn’t throw away a mug. This mug had been a gift from an ex-girlfriend. It was nothing special. She hadn’t even given it to me until after we’d broken up but managed to stay friends. But my new partner was “jealous” that I would keep a gift from a previous girlfriend. In her eyes, keeping it was a sign I was still emotionally connected to my ex. In my eyes, keeping it was a sign that it was a perfectly good mug.
In both these cases, I simply lived with these issues my partners had. I learned to live with not making certain friendships with women, even when I had no romantic or sexual feelings towards them. I learned to not talk about events or objects that meant something to me if they were connected to ex-partners, even when they were not connected to the romantic or sexual part of our relationship.
But by putting these down to “jealousy”, I was preventing myself from recognising the root causes of these problems.
But if it wasn’t “jealousy”, then what was it?
What I have come to learn is that “Jealousy” is a catch-all word that covers two common relationship issues: possessiveness and envy.
Let’s have a look at those, shall we?
To Possess
Possess (verb): to have or to own something
As far as society’s views on relationships have come, they are still tainted with the concept of ownership.
We believe that our views have grown beyond the explicit idea of one partner “owning” the other, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t coloured by it. Deep down, there is a conditioning that tells us our partner belongs to us. “To Have And To Hold” and all that. And if someone belongs to us, that means other people can’t have them.
The idea of two people belonging to each other has been dangerously romanticised. Dangerous, because ownership removes the concept of choice.
Because property is something that can be taken from you. Property is something you have to protect. To keep other people away from. To prevent from escaping. Even if they want to.
And, as the brain is not always logical, our insecurities can flare when there is no evidence. If, deep down, you are feeling insecure in your relationship, being possessive can give you the illusion of security.
To Envy
Envy (verb): to wish that you had something that another person has
Envy is the act of seeing something somebody else has, and wanting it.
And there’s nothing wrong with that. The world will always be full of things you want. Sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it can be healthy. It can act as a motivator. A way to focus your goals and ambitions.
But envy can play into your insecurities. It’s all too easy to fall into unfair comparison through a seemingly logical thought process. If you want something — be it money, fame, good hair, a big house, a sexy partner — you assign that thing value. Therefore, anyone who has that thing has that value. Therefore, because you don’t have it, you have less value.
And again, the brain is not always logical. If you have assigned your partner a value, when they are spending time away from you it can feel as if you are losing that amount of value from your life.
Now, did you notice a word that came up in both of those descriptions?
That’s right: Insecurities.
Insecurity (noun): a feeling of lacking confidence and not being sure of your own ability or of whether people like you
And here’s the lesson I’ve learned, and want to share. The word “jealousy” is in truth an umbrella term for the emotions that trigger our insecurity. And the two most prevalent of these are possessiveness or envy.
We get possessive when we are worried that our partner will like someone else more than us. Rather than address this issue within ourselves, we resort to the easiest way to secure the relationship in our heads: “They belong to me”.
Maybe if we stopped calling this “jealousy”, it would allow us to recognise this insecurity and address it with our partner without restricting their life with arbitrary rules about who they are allowed to be friends with.
We get envious when we see someone with the things to which we have assigned value. If we have assigned our partner value, then if someone else owns some of their time, attention, or history, we see them as taking that value away from us.
Maybe if we stopped calling it jealousy, it would allow us to recognise that someone’s value to us isn’t diminished by them having someone else in their life.
Okay, as you have read this far I have a confession to make.
You probably realised this already, but I was being a little glib in the headline of this article. Jealousy is a real thing. It’s just not what we have been taught to think it is.
Let’s have a look at one more definition.
Jealousy (noun): a feeling of unhappiness and anger because someone has something or someone that you want
Here, to me, is the important point. Envy and Possess are verbs. They are things you are doing right at the moment. They are not who you are.
Jealousy is a noun. A naming word. It is saying what you are.
If you are feeling “jealous” it means you have become your insecurities.
Once you have identified the root problem, you and your partner can work on it together.
Jealousy is not something that exists on its own. And, above all, it is not a sign of a healthy relationship. What it is, is a sign that your insecurities are flaring.
So when you feel “jealous”, rather than dwelling on it as a thing in itself, ask yourself where the root insecurity is coming from. Are you worried your partner will leave you for someone better? Do you feel you have less value to your partner because they have other emotional connections?
Because once you have identified the root problem, you and your partner can work on it together. And, over time, perhaps you can prevent the jealousy from arising and you will no longer need to place restrictions on them.
I’m not saying it will be easy. But it will be easier once you’ve recognised the root cause of the problem.
