How (Not) To Write a Fancy-Pantsy Memoir

Step 1: Put on your bougie britches, and beret

Since it has been decided by the powers that be that we all have to like memoirs now, I thought I’d share my satirical insights on the topic. During my research for the articles I wrote about the boost, I had to check out a whole whackload of ’em (because they seem to represent a large portion of boosted content)— and I noticed some commonalities. Most notably, the verbosity of these highfalutin’ sommabitches.

‘Errr, what is a memoir?’ indubitably stupendous question my good chap. Memoir comes from the French word mémoire, meaning memory (or reminiscent). Because apparently, it needed a beret and baguette to fancy up this sommabitch.

Basically, memoir is a hoighty-toighty word for a nonfiction personal story. I think this makes every stand-up comedian a (satirical) memoirist, which might ruffle the feathers of any uptight memoirist who takes themselves too seriously.

How (Not) To Write a Fancy Pantsy Memoir

Am I really giving advice on writing memoirs as a humor writer with titles like Does Dick Size Really Matter?, Manifesting is Bullshit, and Do I Have Big Dick Energy? Apparently, I am. If you can’t beat ’em, satirically join ’em I guess. Even though I never seem to get around to writing my memoirs — alas, I guess it’ll forever be my oughta biography.

Without further ado here are my tips for fixin’ to write a yuppie, haughty memoir…

Pick a High-Brow Topic

You need to paint a picture that you’re more bougie than a Patek Philippe. So think of ideas like a hob-knobby garden party, Tuscan vacations, art school, your days at Oxford (Yale, Cambridge, or any school with a rowing team would also suffice), a story about your thoroughbred dog, anything ‘ancestral’, or a moment from your book tour.

If you can’t think of anything highbrow, just pick a small personal story that you can stretch into 2,000 words— like boiling potatoes with grandma, or a lemonade stand you had thirty years ago.

Add Inconsequential Details

Bougie people call this ‘nuanced’. Your memoir needs to mention as many inconsequential details as possible — don’t leave out any weather details, like barometric pressure. We need to know the color and smell of everything. Note your internal thoughts and feelings at every moment.

Be sure to describe the color of the coffee you’re drinking, which you tell us about in your 300-word preamble to the memoir. ‘Khaki with undertones of ethereal mist’ perhaps.

We need painstaking detail here. Describe the last thing you ate so well that I practically know what your farts smelled like.

Demonstrate Personal Growth

Share how much you’ve grown since this memory happened, preferably from a standpoint of being so much more evolved now. Feign humility, if you must. This can include achieved aspirations, accomplishments, successes, regrets, and resentments. For example, explain how the equestrian skillset honed at Harvard really benefited your future law firm’s polo matches.

Jump Around

Start in the middle of the story, because… reasons. You want your reader confused from the get-go. Elude to things that will happen later, so that they have to scroll back and forth to follow along. Ideally, their reading pattern should look like the flight path of a schizophrenic butterfly.

Here are a few more rapid-fire tips:

• Never forget to start with the season and year, like the summer solstice of 1984.
• Mention your high-class tastes, like saffron-infused Beluga caviar and 17th-century Japanese art (but only from the Okumura Masanobu school of teachings, obviously).
• Ideally, this story happens decades ago… it helps build the repertoire of reminiscent verbiage (also use words like repertoire, reminiscent, and verbiage).

• Find at least 4 tangents to run off into. Finish them all with ‘but I digress’.
• Use big words unnecessarily. Bitches love big words (and of course, the purpose of writing a memoir is to get laid during your book tour).
• Label it humor, even though you only added one line of irony (dripping in personal disdain, clearly).
• Use pompous words, like post-modern, provenance, ergo, milieu, amelioration, prognosticate, etc. The more syllables the better. This isn’t a haiku —we want all those syllables in a single word if possible.

An Example

Oh, you want an example? I thought you’d never ask…

As I sat in that garden on the summer solstice of 1992, I swirled my 82 Margaux until it had longer legs than Priyanka Chopra. Only a few more minutes until the tart tannins unfolded before me like a lotus. I listened to my childhood friend, Reginald, regale our regatta team with tales of our joining his brother Bentley on tour in the 80s for his synth-rock band, The Remedy.

At the awkward parts, I stared at my fuchsia and lavender argyle socks — or glanced over at the Tuscan sunset, noting the scents in the air of hibiscus and grey poupon. The nearby soupçon of poupon beckoning to me to align it atop the aged Tibetan crackers. I simply know I’ll be able to taste the monks’ blessings on them.

Reginald beckons, behooving me to recount the tale of our final tour day. I become flush as I figure out how to hide the homoerotic undertones from my nearby wife, Buffy.

… [1,792 words later]…

As I finished spinning the yarn of our story of falling off the band’s yacht during their farewell performance — clinging to Reginald as he buoys me out of the water — my wife gives a knowing glance. I suppose she has known all along why Reg and I were always alone on boats.

Is this memoir made up? Abso-diddly-lutely. I’ve never met a Reginald and I was 9 years old in 1992. But with memoirs, you can always fill in the blanks with made-up details. You’re welcome for the ellipsis by the way, which saved you from reading about Reginald’s time at Oxford, getting sphincter spelunked by the Sultan of Brunei’s nephew.

If you don’t have any tawdry tales from boarding school, or Tuscany, don’t fret — even saints can write biographical pieces. In fact, they’re called hagiographies… which made me snort because it starts with ‘hag’.

So, there you have it — a recipe for a boost-worthy memoir! Simply pick a highbrow topic, grab a thesaurus, and try to impress fuckwits like me on the internet.

Now, do I take a bow, or is this more of a poetry-reading-snaps situation?