How my wife saved my life

Who saved yours?

My life was almost over before it had begun — On the way to the abyss

When I was twenty-two, my life was a mess. I studied history, but in fact, I didn’t study. Instead, I worked to have money for pubs and disco. At home, I drank beer every night.

I lived alone for the first time after the friend I had lived with before emigrated to Ireland.

When he emigrated, I moved back to my parents for a few months. I had no money to pay the deposit for a new apartment, and I had no real job.

I had just finished my civilian service and started my studies. (In Germany, civilian service was the alternative at that time if you didn’t want to do military service).

To get money quickly, I took a job in home care. For a few months, I worked three night shifts in the flat of two severely disabled women to help them with washing and all other things they needed help with.

When I had the money, I quit and moved to a small apartment on the outskirts of Hamburg St. Pauli, the red light and entertainment district of my city.

All alone with little money near one of the most famous amusement miles in the world, it came as it had to — I lost myself in the nights of St. Pauli and spent almost all my money on pleasure.

My diet during this time was catastrophic, and I only did as much as I absolutely had to do while studying.

All my friends from school had meanwhile also started a study or an apprenticeship. Usually, no one had time when I called to ask if anyone was going to move around the houses with me.

So I ran alone towards my downfall. If nothing decisive had happened in my life at that time, I would have ended up in the gutter sooner or later. I had no ambitions and no real reason to get up in the morning.

Of course, I wanted a partner because my first great love had left me more than a year before. However, I was not willing to bend over for a woman. I have to admit that I looked like shit back then, to say the least.

I had hair reaching my ass, I was constantly unshaven, and my clothes, which were a style mix of hippie, punk, and metalhead, came from the flea market and mostly didn’t fit together at all.

The pretty girls I loved didn’t look at me like that. From today’s perspective, I can’t blame them. Everything about my outfit screamed “Loser”!

The lifesaver

Then came the day when I had invited a few friends to celebrate my twenty-third birthday with me. Five or six people had agreed, and so we sat on the floor of my only room for a few hours, drinking, listening to music, and smoking.

A couple of friends had brought a girl with them I did not know. It was all right with me. The more people, the more fun, I thought. At first, I didn’t notice her any further.

Later we all went together to a discotheque near my apartment, and there, my life finally began to change for the better. However, I had no idea at that time.

I somehow got into a conversation with the girl, who my other friends had braced along to my party. We got along right away, but at first, I only thought that maybe there would be an opportunity for quick sex.

Well, it didn’t come to that, but a month later, after some trials and tribulations, we were a couple.

I could hardly believe the time that this self-confident and great woman really wanted me. As I wrote above: I looked like a piece of driftwood in a clown costume.

Later she told me that she also thought that I looked shitty. However, she looked behind the facade and liked what she saw there. She had fallen in love with me as a human being — not with a beautiful shell.

We were together for a few weeks when we realized that she had practically moved in with me. Her apartment she had last visited two weeks ago, and then only to get a couple of things. So we decided to look for an apartment together.

This time the deposit was no problem because first of all I would get mine back and could invest it in the new flat and secondly my wife had a well-paid job.

Another year later, we got married. Today we have been married for twenty-two years. We live in a beautiful, big apartment, have two cats, go on holiday twice a year, and I’ve been a full-time author for a year after fourteen years with a regular job.

I would not have achieved all this without my wife.

A purpose at last

What changed for me back then? Why do I say that my wife saved my life?

Because it is true, alone, I had no support. Nothing made sense, and no effort seemed worthwhile. If everything had remained, the same, alcohol would have dragged me further and further into the abyss. If that had happened, I would undoubtedly have drunk myself to death by now or killed myself at some point.

When I sit at my desk today and look out of the window, the iPhone next to me, and the laptop open in front of me, my former self seems strange to me. But at the same time, I know that there is still something lurking deep inside me.

Without my wife, who gives meaning to my life, this ugly me would break out again within months and kill me.

I am grateful for every day we have together.

Who is there in your life without whom you would be nothing? If there is no such person, you must use everything to find one. Nothing is more important than a person who loves us.

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