How My Suppressed Emotions Became Thorns
Prickly thorns piercing and poking
At first, it seemed like a brilliant plan to ignore my emotions. When I decided I would let him go because I love him, I knew the only way I would get through the pain was to numb my feelings. I suppressed it. I wouldn’t let myself feel it. I carried on with a smile on my face, pretending like everything was okay. If I felt nothing at all, then I would not hurt. So I worked and I worked and I worked.
I thought I was being strong; resilient, even.
I bottled up the uncomfortable emotions and denied their existence. I buried the difficult feelings deep down; locked away in a hidden corner of my heart. I distracted myself with work, mindless entertainment and anything to keep difficult emotions at bay.
Numbing and distracting myself from feeling wasn’t the only thing I did to not feel. As an introvert, whenever I was going through some kind of pain or an emotionally difficult time, my first instinct was to detach and this is where I excelled. I detached from the world.
But little did I know, the emotions I was rejecting were growing silently in the darkness of my being.
By refusing to feel my emotions, I was only hurting myself. And the more I avoided them, the stronger they grew, piercing through my very core.
I had many excuses as to why I was ignoring my emotions. I’m a working woman/mother. What time do I have to be lying in a fetal position on the bed crying and dealing with heavy emotions when there is work and chores to be done?
In some cultures, vulnerability is seen as a sign of weakness so I kept going because I am strong.
Women are often made to feel as if they’re too emotional when they express their emotions. I didn’t want people to see me that way. I didn’t want to express my feelings so people might judge or later use them against me.
I didn’t trust anyone with my innermost feelings so I numbed them all.
At the time I was ignoring and numbing my emotions, I was unaware of these things. I didn’t know numbing my emotions was hurting me even worse than feeling it.
Emotions are energy in motion. Love, happiness, sadness, inspiration, anger, guilt, shame, etc. are all energy that is moving through the body but they do not have intellect.
Emotion moves where attention flows. We think a happy thought and we feel happy. Sadness usually follows a sad thought. This is why we’re often told that whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent we should think about such things. Because where attention goes, energy flows.
And when one does not think, then one does not feel.
But emotions don’t disappear when we ignore them. Energy can’t be destroyed or erased like an unwanted doodle on a notebook. They linger to cause discomfort. Like a thorn embedded in the flesh, my ignored emotions were causing me discomfort. The energies were trapped inside of me creating this nagging feeling.
After I ignored them for so long, they would come back for me to deal with them and I was forced to feel it. Whenever I felt forced to feel things I didn’t want to feel, it made me irritable and highly sensitive. I would experience sudden shifts in my emotional state, sometimes swinging from extreme highs to lows without any triggers.
My repressed emotions continued to make themselves known in my sleep. I had difficulties falling asleep and staying asleep and most nights I felt restless tossing and turning until cockcrow. And when I couldn’t sleep at night, I would wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I felt unease and diseases threatened.
Emotions are closely connected to our digestive system so ignoring them, scientists say, can disrupt the delicate balance of the gut, leading to gastrointestinal problems such as stomachaches, indigestion, or irritable bowel syndrome. I remember the nights I would wake up with intense stomach pains wondering what in the world was happening inside of me.
Chronic emotional numbness can also weaken the immune system, making people more susceptible to illnesses and infections which explains why I always had a cold/catarrh and headaches.
Similar to how a physical thorn can cause inflammation and tension around the affected area, I learned that ignoring emotions can lead to emotional inflammation and tension within the body. This can manifest as heightened stress, anxiety or a general feeling of being on edge. I was stressed out and anxious all the time.
One time, while driving, I allowed myself to feel a difficult emotion that I wasn’t ready to deal with. It caught me off guard when a song reminded me of him. All of a sudden, my heart began to beat so fast that I thought it would burst right out of my chest. My suppressed emotions triggered a physiological response when music made me feel something that led to an increased heart rate. That’s when I realized that I needed to let myself feel so I could heal.
And that’s when I also realized that it wouldn’t be easy.
In the same way that removing a thorn from the flesh can be challenging, so was addressing my ignored emotions. The longer emotions are ignored, the deeper they become entrenched, making them harder to acknowledge and work through.
When I was ready to feel, it was a mess. I ignored too much for too long it seemed as if my mind was infected with something. I was going crazy. Well, sort of.
If pushed aside for too long, physical thorns can lead to infections. In the same way, ignoring emotions can allow unresolved feelings to fester and potentially lead to emotional distress, affecting your mental and emotional health.
When I was repressing my emotions, it was my mental health that paid the ultimate price when I was constantly spiraling into depression. By refusing to feel my emotions, I was only hurting myself. And the more I avoided them, the stronger they grew, piercing through my very core.
I realized that if I wanted to truly heal and find a sense of well-being, I had to feel my emotions.
It was a wake-up call, a not-so-gentle nudge from the universe, urging me to face my emotions head-on because just like everything, emotions too serve a purpose. They serve as valuable signals providing insight into our inner experiences and needs. They hold valuable lessons and opportunities for personal growth.
I realized that if I wanted to truly heal and find a sense of well-being, I had to feel my emotions instead of running away from them. So, I took a deep breath and started to allow myself to feel those emotions I buried and bottled up. When I felt love I was on top of the world. When I was feeling sad, I let the tears flow. I screamed into my pillow when the anger overwhelmed me, and I allowed myself to grieve the love that was lost.
I allowed myself to feel my deepest emotions fully without judgment. It wasn’t easy but with each breath I took towards acknowledging and feeling my emotions, the prickly thorns began to lose their power. They slowly started to soften and dissolve, leaving behind a sense of relief and release. That’s when I learned that vulnerability is strength.
When you are tempted to suppress, express so you do not depress.
Expressing myself is how I was able to process my emotions. Every time I wrote about my painful experiences, though a thorn pierced my heart a little, I knew feeling the pain was the only way I would heal it. I’ve found other healthy ways to deal with my emotions. I try to exercise, I pray and meditate often, I color and I make art with my kid and then make myself play pretend with her and before I know it, there is a smile on my face — a true smile — and over time I found that it didn’t hurt as much as it used to.
By allowing myself to feel all my emotions, I gained a deeper understanding of myself, my triggers, and my emotional responses and by giving my emotions space to be seen and heard, I could cultivate a sense of peace within myself.
To avoid depression, express your emotions when tempted to repress or suppress them.
Eventually, the pain left me and it left me with gifts that were not only for me but for all of humanity and that’s the beauty of pain. Having felt pain myself, I could empathize and understand others who were feeling some kind of pain.
Now instead of suppressing my emotions, I express them by tapping into the power of my emotions. I can feel a wide range of emotions, from joy and inspiration to sadness and vulnerability; I feel all of my emotions when they are moving through me and I use them to create the life of my dreams.
So you see, emotions are not something to be suppressed. They are just energy in motion, simple and natural.
If you’re going through a painful experience in your life and you’re tempted to ignore your emotions, remember this story. Unlike what I’ve been in the past, be bold and fear not your emotions.
Take it from someone who learned the hard way — the thorns won’t disappear until you feel your emotions. The pain may be intense but it is part of life. Once it’s gone, it leaves something behind — purpose and sometimes much-needed personal power.
Allow yourself to feel what is coming up to be dealt with. Give them space to move and then you are free and freed of the prickly thorns that pierce and poke you.
So, go on, take the deepest breath your lungs can hold, and feel it all. By allowing yourself to feel your emotions, you honor yourself. And by honoring yourself, you can work your way toward a happier, healthier and more authentic life.
