Friendships ⎜Opinion
How Much Are You Willing to Invest in Your Friendships and What Does That Say About You?
I spoke up when it mattered — hearing them acknowledge “genuine friendships are a two-way street” was refreshing
With a sweaty face and tired hands gripping onto my hip, I stood in my grungy clothes out on my sidewalk overseeing the workers coming in and out of our home. We were “promised” a finished home on move-in day — equipped with a functional completed kitchen.
But — nope. Zilch. Zero.
There was not a shadow of a kitchen — not a handle — not a nail — not a speckle of a semblance of a kitchen!
Yet the hurdles and hoops we jumped through to buy a new home as foreigners in this new country meant — we would not wait another day over the one year we had already waited. We moved in with our suitcases and boxes of belongings that had been in storage for over a year — into the “kitchenless” house.
This was “week 3” living — without a kitchen.
I was burning the candle at two ends unpacking while witnessing their slow-motion crawl to complete my kitchen — along with a myriad of other projects that were also promised but incomplete as of move-in day.
I stood on the sidewalk taking another deep breath in before another whirlwind of tasks awaited to slam on me.
At that moment, a white minivan pulled up right in front of my home. We were only three families on this newly built street, so I presumed it was just another contractor or worker pulling up.
The window rolled down and as I peeked in — I saw a kind couple wave and smile back at me. Ruben and Maria warmly introduced themselves who were moving in on a parallel street — not even a 3-minute walk from my home. We shared the usual introductions — where we were from, how many kids we had, and when we had moved in.
They noticed I had a lot going on, so Maria and I exchanged phone numbers. I couldn’t see her eyes through her sunglasses — yet her genuine welcome and sincerity were crystal clear.
Maria was the first neighbor I met when I moved here to Mexico. This was the beginning of an endearing friendship. We hit it off from the start. She invited me to her home on more than one occasion, and I reciprocated in kind.
Two weeks later Maria and her husband invited four couples in the neighborhood to meet up by the clubhouse to get to know one another. My husband doesn’t speak Spanish, but both Maria and her husband speak English, so it was encouraging to meet a couple whom he could converse with.
We enjoyed meeting several couples who lived on Maria’s street. Over the next year, a group of about 6–8 of the ladies gathered organically for breakfast, a birthday, or just a random meet-up.
Until…
Maria and her family moved away.
A new opportunity arose for Maria’s husband overseas, and we sadly bid farewell about 5–6 months ago.
Unbeknownst to me, Maria didn’t say goodbye to the other ladies in the group — perhaps there were ill feelings?
It’s unclear.
After Maria had left, our group met one afternoon and a question was posed directly to me, “So, what’s going on with Maria?” They all grew quiet and looked at me anxiously awaiting an answer.
I quietly wondered how I became the spokesperson for Maria. I played “dumb” as I do not share personal updates on others' lives. Maria’s updates are for her to share.
Clearly —
- They all had the ability to speak for themselves
- They all owned telephones
- They all had Maria’s contact info
I dodged the questions for the first two months. Finally, when it was obvious Maria had moved away[they live across from her home and the home has been empty], they asked me again, “so what’s going on with Maria?”
I shared the obvious, “She’s moved.”
Two ladies shared, “Well, she told me but said not to tell anyone!”
I then exclaimed, “You guys are so insincere! You’re here asking me all the while knowing the answer! What’s your angle?”
They laughed and kept talking. I brushed it off — not without first taking special note of who they were.
I kept the time shared with them to a bare minimum, as I didn’t feel like nurturing these relationships — yet, they have been kind in ways I am grateful for.
Two ladies had birthdays this month. So we made plans as a group and met up today.
“So, we haven’t heard anything about Maria! How is she doing?” Angy inquired out loud.
They all turned in unison and looked at me. I paused and then shared.
“Ladies, let me ask you something. Just as you have not heard from her, have any of you reached out to her directly?”
Silence.
Rosy spoke up, “Well, (laughs) — Nat, you don’t talk much — but when you do, you don’t play!”
They all laughed.
In the middle of a smile and chuckle, I added, “Yes, that’s correct. I will always be honest with you. However, let me share something further with you all.”
For most of my life, I have invested time and love in nurturing many friendships. I take the time to reach out and make the effort to stay in touch with those who I call friends.
Many years ago I came to the realization that true friendships are a two-way street. When I pulled back and waited to see who were the ones who took the time to reciprocate— and call back or stay in touch, few did.
And so I followed suit.
If a friend and I have a dynamic in which we understand and respect each other and they are willing to put forth the effort into a friendship, I will gladly put in the effort as well.
It’s quite simple.
It was quiet at the table as they all listened to me.
They all then nodded and said, “Yeah — that’s true.”
It may have been lip service. They may go right back to their usual ways.
I sat back quite content with myself for having used my words at the moment that I needed to. I was clear and honest with them. I left in my own moment of bliss knowing they know exactly who I am — and I they.
Sincere respectful friendships that become rewarding require effort.
Maria is doing very well and adapting well to her recent move. We both continue to make an effort to stay in touch over the miles — and that is a deliberate choice.
The amount of effort you wish to invest in a friendship ultimately dictates what kind of friendship you wish to have.
Thank you Shashi Sastry for inspiring me to share how I was PRO-active. Fellow readers and writers, please read Shashi’s impactful article that led me to write this — I did enjoy a moment of bliss.
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