How Medication Helped With My Anxiety
I used to have crippling social anxiety throughout my childhood. I have also suffered from two traumatizing episodes of severe OCD. Thanks to God, I do not suffer from depression or any other mood disorder. I’ve Asperger’s — mild form of autism and I do not consider myself neurotypical. My mental health basically depends on my level of anxiety.
Throughout my school life I was always the quiet lonely aloof kid who was shy and silent all day long. I had never cried in front of anyone nor lost my temper in school. I never talked to girls. I rarely started conversations except when it came to my favorite topics. My circle was just a mere two or three friends. I was academically gifted though and I loved all the subjects I studied — except for the languages. I do not have a language brain at all. My worst result in a standardized exam was A for English language IGCSE. On the flip side, I used to self study math textbooks all by myself. Math was my passion and my refuge. I had the aura of a non-verbal math-nerd.
I spent my spare time at home during my teenage years playing first person shooter games half the time and the other half debating theology, religion and philosophy across multiple online forums. I was always interested in the big questions in life. I was also very stubborn in my beliefs — and I think I am still. I also read books of fiction crazily. It’s not a contradiction to say that math and books competed with each other to give me my means of escapism.
During parents’-teachers’ meetings, my mum and my teachers used to quiz each other as to why I studied too much and why I was very quiet and didn’t participate much in social activities outside the classroom. I was forced to take up scouting and basketball — two activities that seem to have worsened my social anxiety but was great for my overall sense of well-being. I cannot recall all of the times a teacher had pulled me aside and interrogated me for my adamant lack of talking and social interaction.
In middle school I suffered from severe OCD. I do not know what triggered it. My mind was always running in full speed and making lists. I used to spend hours pacing up and down the room not knowing why I was having these ruminations. I had no idea I had a condition. Mum had no idea too. It thoroughly destroyed my peace of mind for two long years. Finally I snapped out of it. Without therapy, without medications. The subreddit OCD really helped me though after I finally found out what it read. Terrible time in my life. My heart goes out to every person who suffers from severe OCD. Please don’t use mental disorders for your jokes or hyperboles unless you suffer from them yourself.
When I joined uni, the change in environment and the utter nerdiness of my batch/class was such a refreshing change for once. For the first time in my life, I understood the day to day conversations happening around me. My school friends simply continued their online conversations — but these friends were more mature and academic minded. For once I could participate in their conversations. My anxiety improved but it was still omnipresent. That monster lurking around the back of your mind hijacking you when you’re in social situations.
A couple or more years ago I decided that I’ve had enough with my social anxiety and that I would visit a psychiatrist for my anxiety issues. I wanted a good one so I searched for one. I had to wait for a month to finally get my appointment. I didn’t yet believe that medication could have such profound effect even though i was supposed to be formally studying medicine.
If you haven’t suffered from an anxiety disorder you would never know how it feels like. It seems irrational but rational but irrational but rational. It makes no sense and it makes perfect sense at the same time. Your mind becomes your worst enemy. You begin to question yourself. A commentator appears in your mind persisting saying all the worst things about you.
They are laughing at you. They think you are too awkward. They think you are stupid. Is what you’re wearing appropriate? Is what you’re gonna say and the way you say it embarrassing? What if something happens and you react the wrong way? Look at all the eyes around you. They are looking at you. They can see you. They are analyzing every move you make.
Your heart starts beating fast. The flight, fight or freeze response kicks in. You start to sweat so much. Sometimes you even shiver. And sometimes a full blown panic attack follows. Then someone else appears in your mind and tells you go back home. Run. Cover yourself. Go home and shut yourself in your room.
The psychiatrist asked me some questions and confirmed that I indeed had social anxiety and OCD. He asked me about some of my habits and advice me of general stuff. And prescribed some meds. An SSRI and an anti-psychotic. The SSRI was Fluvoxamine (Luvox) and the anti-psychotic was a small dose of Resperidone. To be taken every evening.
I was studying pharmacology. So I knew everything about these drugs. I youtube them and found out about other people’s experiences with them. They were mostly positive. The side effects weren’t that bad. I didn’t doubt at all an any point that it wouldn’t work for me.
Since then I’ve visited my psychiatric thrice. The dose was changed (titrated up) and the anti-psychotic was changed to Aripiprazole. I complained of weight gain and diarrhoea, off and on, but other than that I fairly tolerated them. These were God-given substances as far as I am concerned.
Did they work? Yes. Massively. I feel liberated. I can literally feel the serotonin in my CNS. Well, not literally but you know what I mean. The ruminations ceased. That commentator lost his voice. The anxiety was cut down like 50%. I am now more confident, more open to conversations and interactions. Sometimes I do take the beta-blocker proponalol too —as and when I anticipate severe anxiety or a panic attack — and it has helped tremendously too. My God, these literally changed how I approach life.
I feel more in control of my mind once I step outside home. I no longer think extensively of how others would perceive or judge me. I just now want to get the job done and not spend 50% of my mind on how others would think of me. I smile a lot more, I talk more, I don’t think twice in asking questions. The palpitations are quite rare now. I sweat a lot less. I make better eye contact. I don’t behave all that awkwardly. I participate more in life. It can only get better from here.
So let me tell you — if you or someone you know suffer from anxiety or OCD or any other treatable psychiatric illnesses, please do get help. I know it’s expensive and it is indeed expensive — unless you go through free healthcare. And I know some of you are wary of medications. But it is worth it. Medication might or might not work for you — but if it does it might change your life and you might regret not being on it sooner. YouTube has many many success stories too, you could search and view them to gain more confidence with taking medications for your anxiety. OCD for example is a fully treatable with medication disorder. You can fully snap out of it with the help of medication, God willing.
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