How I Survived Employment Under a Jerk

Lessons of who I didn't want to be

We have all encountered that one boss who leaves an indelible mark as an absolute nightmare. Whether it’s hogging credit for your work, piling on the workload, lacking competence, or just having a toxic personality. We all have our horror stories to tell.

In my case, it’s more inclined towards the latter, though not exclusively. The crux of the matter was our divergent perspectives on leadership.

Was it a toxic environment or just a toxic boss

From the very start, I was tasked with letting go of a team member. The rationale given was his underperformance and apparent inability to improve. I requested the performance evaluations and coaching notes to prepare for the termination meeting. To my surprise, I was told they were unnecessary; my manager believed they had handled it, and I was to just deliver the verdict.

This was followed by the elimination of engagement and coaching activities. Any attempt I made to foster a healthy team dynamic for optimal performance was shot down. My boss was often heard saying that,

“Fear works better than any engagement tool. If they’re scared of losing their job or being reprimanded, that’s what will make them perform”.

Well, it certainly didn’t bring out my best.

As time passed, I glimpsed their behaviour at home, particularly in the way they interacted with their children. It was a constant reprimanding, using words and tone that was demeaning if they fell short of their expectations.

My boss epitomised the top-down management style, demanding unquestioning compliance and respect based on title. They sought a puppet, rejecting any attempt I made to lead from the bottom up.

Whenever I tried to engage the team productively, like running workshops to tackle performance issues. They would barge into the meetings, decrying them as a waste of time and urging everyone to get back to their phones and simply do better. How can people improve if they don’t know understand what needs to change and how to change?

My self-esteem took a hit

I remember sitting in my car in the office parking lot, dreading the idea of facing them. I felt physically sick with a wave of heat and panic that started in my stomach and lodged in my chest.

The stress and constant self-doubt began to take a toll on my self-esteem and perception of myself as a leader. Was it me? Was I not a good leader and everything I have been doing is wrong? Should I quit?

When they were absent, the relief was palpable. The office atmosphere lightened, and I could interact with my team, coach them, and offer support without being told to stop wasting time.

Despite the toxic environment, my team consistently outperformed others in the country. Yet I was persistently told I wasn’t doing a good enough job. I attempted various strategies to bridge the gap to understand how I could deliver what my boss needed.

I showcased my results in a county-wide stand-up, emphasising outstanding performances to try and change their perception. After one meeting where my results were deemed insufficient, I asked why they praised my peers with lower performance but didn’t see my higher achievements as noteworthy.

As they were the Executive of our state, the expectations were my output should be twice that of others, as this would reflect on them more positively.

I was fired because they didn’t like me

I attempted to present results in different formats, using reports and data to highlight improvements and disparities. I consulted colleagues who had worked with them before, and one advised me to “Run. Get out of there.” They weren’t well liked which triggered me to reassess perhaps it wasn’t just me.

They reduced their personal assistant to tears, bending recruitment procedures to favour family and I was shocked to find HR was aware. To me, it seemed they turned a blind eye.

Despite my results, I was let go, with the explanation of a restructuring due to an alleged surplus of management. However, the nationwide structure remained unchanged. I mustered the courage to ask for the truth, and they simply stated, “I think you know — I just don’t like you”.

I’m ashamed to admit I couldn’t leave the room after they walked out, as they had succeeded in making me cry. To this day, I’m still angry that I gave them that satisfaction.

I did try to approach HR, but they brushed it off. Looking back, taking the matter to fair work or the union might have produced a change, but I was distressed, wounded, and seething with anger.

My friends provided invaluable support. Their suggestions for petty vengeance brought a smile to my face. Ultimately, I realised that karma would eventually play out. Someone like that can’t truly be happy and succeed in life.

After 20 years in the corporate world coaching females to be brave, bold and their best, I am disappointed to say my toxic boss was a woman. Where she had the opportunity to support women in leadership, she chose to demoralise and contribute to the self-doubt and insecurity a lot of women face in corporate life.

I don’t know where she ended up, and I occasionally think about her. I owe her one thing, though. She taught me the kind of leader I never want to become.

By day I’m a Corporate Executive and Board Director with a passion for CX, UX, and AI. In my other life, I love to explore my writing passion on midlife trials and tribulations, parental journeys, and sharing my general musings on life.