How I Lost a Relationship Over a Bowl of Soup
The year was 1989.
I was singing in a 4 piece variety band at the time. My name was in the title. I was the sole female in the group. We did mainly original music with some jazz, Broadway standards and pop songs thrown in for variety.
I was the songwriter, guitarist and lead singer. We played around clubs in the Denver area.
I had a songwriting partner named Archie. We wrote over 60 songs together. He was also the self appointed manager of our band.
He was a large confident charismatic black man. (Quincy Jones-esque ) in his late 40's. I was a rather meek yet talented girl in my early 20s. We had similar musical tastes despite our age and cultural differences. He was a Motown dude. I was a folky Broadway lover.
At our weekly music rehearsals he wielded the power. I stood back. Although I also had a lot of fire in me, especially when it came to music; knowing how I wanted a song to be arranged or how I felt I should sing it etc.
Almost all my suggestions at rehearsal were overridden by his.
The guys in the band listened to him — trusted his opinion more than mine. He exuded authority. He talked like he KNEW what he was saying, even though at times I knew he was fullashit!
Sexism? Yea.
Once we disagreed on a song at rehearsal. I stopped the guys. I said to the band, “I really think this song needs to be done out of time…in rubato.”
Rubato, (from Italian rubare, “to rob”), in music, subtle rhythmic manipulation and nuance in performance. For greater musical expression, the performer may stretch certain beats, measures, or phrases and compact others…”
I felt the song just sounded better that way.
Archie jumped in to override me. “NOPE. We can’t do it that way. The drummer will get lost. You can’t go out of rhythm… it will throw the whole band off. You just cant do that to a song!”
Inside, I was seething because I instinctively knew the song would be better that way. I mean I was the one singing it. The vocalist knows! I always heard that protocol was that the drummer should follow the lead vocals.
The guys all agreed with Archie. So, we didn’t do it my way. We kept the song totally in time.
Funny, but years later I found that you definitely CAN do a song in Rubato. Any time you want you can slow a songs tempo down or even halt a song totally. So, I was right. He was wrong.
He’s dead now so my redemption never came.
One day after rehearsal Archie took me and a business associate friend of his out for lunch at a buffet restaurant. I walked by a woman at the nearby table who was eating a bowl of goooood lookin’ and smelling soup.
I stopped at her table and asked her:
‘Wow. That smells great. What kind of soup are you eating??”
She told me the name. I think it was split pea.
I went back to the table with my plate and sat down to join Archie and his friend. Archie glared at me with the most evil look I’d ever seen. Very rudely and firmly he said:
“I can’t BELIEVE what you just did. My momma didn’t raise me that way! I was never raised to be so rude as to interrupt someone while they were eating. You have NO manners. You were out of line!!”
I sat there a bit stunned.
He looked at his friend who meekly nodded in agreement.
Yep, they both seemed to throw me under the bus for asking what soup a woman was eating?
Cmon!!!?
Now that I look back on it 27 years later, while writing my memoir, I realize how much power I gave away, to men especially. I thought “men knew best”, especially confident ones.
If this situation happened today trust me, I’d say, “Hey you might think its rude and outta line but its just FINE TO ME,” or, “FUCK OFF”?
I’d own my truth and stand for myself.
My friendship with Archie was never the same after that. I held onto that resentment for years. Funny how I lost a relationship over soup.
When he died a few years ago it felt ‘undone’ that I never let him know how I felt about that situation.
Soon, I’ll be recording some of the songs he and I wrote. Every time I sing one of our songs my brain tends to recall that memory.
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Michelle Monet has published 5 non-fiction books including 4 Poetic Memoirs. Her upcoming Memoir is about her life in show business. She is also writing a Musical based on her life.