LIFE LESSONS

How I Learned FWB Won’t Work For Me

It took a lot of different pants

Sometimes the lessons I’ve learned in life stick with me. Other times I gotta go at them from different angles to see if they still hold true in other situations.

And sometimes I’m just craving skin time so much I ignore the lesson I’ve already supposedly learned.

I’ve heard Oprah say if we don’t learn our life lessons the first time, the Universe will send them to us again. They’ll just be wearing different pants.

How right she was.

Mr. Affair in his cargo pants

Up until my affair, the only person I’d ever had sex with was my former husband. Sure, I’ve had a few boyfriends. We fooled around but our pants never came off. All the activity stayed above our belts.

So when Mr. Affair in his cargo pants entered my life, it was the first time I’d ever experienced sex with someone else. The contrast was significant. I realized how different it could be with another person. I realized that my former husband had intimacy and vulnerability issues. I realized I’d been having sex with someone who was wearing not just pants made of armor, but a whole damn suit.

My cargo pants wearing lover should have been enough for me to learn the lesson that there’s a difference between making love and having sex.

But sometimes my craving for skin time gets the best of me.

Mr. Itchy in his Chinos

A year or so after both my marriage and affair ended, I felt like I was ready to try a relationship. I missed the conversation, intimacy, and skin time I’d had with Mr. Affair.

I wanted to feel close to someone again.

So I decided to jump into the wild world of dating. After a meeting with a few Mr. No’s, I met a good, chino wearing man. His wife had recently died and like me, he missed conversation, intimacy, and skin time too. We hopped into the physical thing pretty quickly and it scratched an itch we both had.

But after we’d been together a few times, he decided he’d jumped into dating way too soon. He wasn’t ready for a relationship and he needed to take some time away. I suspected that was probably going to be the case, but I was bummed none the less. We had connected well mentally and physically.

We parted as friends.

Winter was now fast approaching and I dreaded facing it alone. I knew that places would probably be locking down again due to COVID and that dating would have to be put on hold.

So I did something I never thought I’d do.

I propositioned him.

What if we just met a few times a month to scratch that itch? I wanted to have skin time with someone I trusted. Would he be up for an FWB kinda thing? He wasn’t ready to be Mr. Right, but could he be Mr. Itchy for awhile?

He was flattered and said he would seriously consider it. He’d get back to me soon.

About a week later, I heard from him. He said he’d done a lot of thinking and although he was very tempted, he just couldn’t do it.

Again, I was bummed.

Mr. Scratchy in his hiking pants

Not one to be deterred with what I thought was a good idea, I remembered a friend whose wife had died a few years prior. We’d gotten together a few times for dinner or a walk after I separated from my ex. We’ve always had great conversations and he was a friend I trusted. Maybe he’d be interested in scratching that itch with me? Maybe he’d be my Mr. Scratchy?

So I made an FWB proposition to him as well.

As with Itchy, Scratchy needed some time to think about it. And just like Itchy, Scratchy also came back with the same answer. Although he missed skin time, he just couldn’t do it.

Mr. Tinder in his Levi’s

At this point, I was desperate to find someone for skin time. I’d long since forgotten about the idea of finding an actual relationship and was purely focusing on finding an FWB partner.

So — gasp — I went on Tinder.

And here, of course, I did meet someone open to what I was after. Mr. Tinder was a Levi’s wearing guy. We met several times and it was fun and filled my need for skin time. But there was something I noticed every time I left his place.

There was a hollowness inside me.

Something was missing.

Even though I knew I was only trying to scratch the itch, something didn’t feel quite right.

That’s a lot of pants

Then one time as I left his place, it dawned on me. I’d already learned this lesson with Mr. Affair, one that I think Itchy and Scratchy also knew. It may have been the reason they couldn’t do an FWB thing with me.

They’d been in great relationships. They knew the difference between making love and having sex. And anything less than making love wasn’t going to cut it for them anymore.

Although an FWB thing may scratch the itch, it just wasn’t the same.

Here I was, with the same lessons smacking me in the face again. Itchy in his Chinos, Scratchy in his hiking pants, and Tinderman in his Levi’s were all teaching me the same lesson that I supposedly learned with my cargo pants wearing affair partner.

There’s a difference between making love and have sex. And once you feel the difference, it’s hard to be truly satisfied with anything less.

The difference between the two is love. And as hard as I try, I can’t separate the two.

Kasey Sparks, © 2021