How I Have Sex with Frozen Chickens Before Eating Dinner (Lola’s Version)

~ It’s fun for my whole family. Trust! ~

by Smillew Rahcuef and Monika Hall

Hi I’m Lola! Season’s greetings! It’s nice-ta meet you, Truly!

We’ve all seen the article written by my cousin Smillew yes?

Well I wanted to tell you my version too! Here we go:

— What we’ll need and important considerations

Some say you should have two chickens, one for family dinner and one for the sex part. I recommend three actually so there’s enough for dining as well as for all the festivities. It probably goes without saying but I’m not letting anyone eat my sex chicken and I also wouldn’t want to eat a chicken my Granny sexed with either. As they say in the hen house: ‘Never peck unto others what you wouldn’t like them to peck unto you’.

Oh! And don’t forget a good attitude. Always a good attitude!

Also why three birds you ask? I’ve got two words for you:

Impact play.

— Let’s do this

Impact play is how me and my Granny bond. We switch off every year who gets to have sex with the chicken. Her idea, but not like that! We’re modern folk and while I can accept my grandma as a person who participates in the full range of human experiences, we have boundaries of course.

Every year we pick an impact partner. That partner must be someone that we severely dislike (*note -romantic partners usually don’t apply because we like them too much).

— Arnie and Lola (that’s me woo!)

Mine is usually a co-worker named Arnie, at least it has been for the last ten years. If it’s your chicken year, you blindfold yourself and attach the chicken to the ceiling with a rope as best you can. (Oh what’s that? Yes blindfold then tie to ceiling, it’s a fun challenge)

Then, you wait in the dark like this for as long as your partner decides. Though we decided to instill a 4-hour max wait after an incident one year..I’ll explain.

— So much asshole!

The chicken thawed and started to go bad, which made me throw up while I was being pelted, and this got Arnie off unexpectedly. Reaching satisfaction, he left the room (Told you he’s an asshole) but didn’t let me know (So much asshole!). So it was just me running around all alone, slamming into the chicken randomly by chance. I was so enthusiastic about the activity that I missed dinner that year..fuck’n Arnie (but not penetratively, definitely not.. gruss).

—but not penetratively, definitely not…gruss

Aaanyways what’s supposed to happen, as you may have deduced, is I run around the room blindfolded while Asshole Arnie moves around throwing and catching the frozen chicken trying to hit me. Some years his patterns can become so predictable that if I sense the chicken is nearby, I’ll dramatically whip myself into it on purpose. It feels like a frozen bird and glass shattering when it hits, and I scream randomly throughout this process. Not for myself but because the inconsistency annoys Arnie, and he says things like, ‘Why now?!..Quit it ya dink!.’ — it’s our thing.

On off years you bare-knuckle box your impact partner in t-shirts with the torn-off sleeves. Grandma’s partner is her friend Susan.

— Susan and Granny

Susan is so creative! On her chicken years, she likes to cosplay. She removes her dentures, goes ‘cluck-cluck-bringit’, and dresses up as a chicken. Well, sort of. Susan’s..how do they call it? Oh right! a consensual “flasher”. Her chicken costume consists of a lot of feathers not covering any sexy parts, and a faux beak her husband George crafted out of old cereal boxes.

— Impact Power Pussy Time

That’s how Susan and Granny met actually. They were flashing all their boobies together in the seventies (woooo Gran!) to protest against the patriarchy. They even traveled all around the US with their legendary gang, Impact Power Pussy Time.

You have no idea how vigorously these two eighty-year-olds throw the chicken. I’m always so scared they’ll break a hip, clavicle or both. But they’re truly as tough as chicken’s beaks. The scene alone is worthy of its own Dantestic circle.

The funniest thing is how much Susan insists on always having feathers inside her butthole. At least one good one. If she loses all her feathers somehow, she gets really grumpy and starts moving more sluggishly. Sort of like when an RC car runs out of batteries. Seeing this, George will rush in hands full of feathers! And even while being pelted by the chicken, George will try as gently as he can to sneak as many feathers as possible into her crack until he passes out. Granny on the other hand, having to satisfy two targets, will throw double hard during this time. It’s such a mix of softness and chicken impact! All three are stars that shine blindingly bright during these ‘bonus event’ moments.

*Sigh* They’re all so sweet together.. You know, I was thinking about it a lot the other day, and couldn’t shake the idea of how wonderful it must be to have a partner willing to overcome all obstacles, and lovingly slide things into my ass-button when I’m grumpy.

— We done it!

Well now, hasn’t this been the most heartwarming of how-tos. I feel like my heart has stretched to its edges. It is the holiday season after all — A time to be grateful for the people in our lives. A lot of people pretend to make it seem like they’re together and enjoying each other’s company, but we all know reality is not always how things look in photographs.

How did this all start you ask? Well one year while washing our feet in the garage, Granny started getting agitated thinking about the holidays and said to me:

“Frock this fake bullpoop Lola. Seriously. I need an icy bar..”

Then while getting herself an icy bar to calm down, she made a discovery:

“Why do we have all these whole chickens in the deep freeze?..Holy shirts! Why they rotten?!”

Granny put two together and we’ve never looked back. Instead we started our own traditions to try to bring us closer and excited to see everyone for the holidays.

And after all the impact play (which totally counts as sex..and is super duper intimate at times btw in case anyone missed that) we have dinner together. Susan and Arnie too of course, since the truth is we wouldn’t have strong negative feelings toward them at all if we didn’t care. Plus we’re all starving after releasing a year’s worth of passions, and it’d be rude to start eating while they just stood around exhausted. We try to be decent folk. The best part of it all though? Everyone feels connected and the conversation never gets dull; you’d have to actually try to make it suck.

— … try to make it suck

This year we have a new edition because Granny’s going vegan for her health: A vegetarian turkey bird! Cousin Smillew’s suggestion for some reason.

We’ll never know why…but anyways Happy Holidays everyone! Impact play safely with your enemies! Till next!

This was a collaboration by Smillew Rahcuef and Monika Hall based on the piece ‘I Have Sex With Chickens Before Eating Them’ by Smillew Rahcuef

The original plan was switching off every 100–300 words, but they more less ended up switching off every section or so.

“This was a dynamic process and really fun to make. I learned a lot! Thanks so much for taking on this challenge with me Smillew!”

— Monika [@Monika.Hall]

“I discovered unexpected creative corners in my mind. Thanks, Monika!”

— Smillew [@smillewrahcuef]

Check out the original here:

Thanks for Reading! Happy Holiday Season:D