I Have Sex with Vegetarian Turkeys for Thanksgiving
Vegan option is also available
Some people have sex with frozen chickens before eating them, and I found the idea interesting for Thanksgiving this year. But I’m an aspiring vegetarian, trying to reduce my meat consumption at the moment, so frozen chickens weren’t an option.
Now you might ask how on earth can someone have sex with vegetarian turkeys? Some might add, “what does it even mean?”
I’m here to help. And to tell you that the feeling is exquisite.
The first question you need to ask yourself is, “do you want to come to the vegetarian turkey, or do you want the vegetarian turkey to come to you?” The construction will be different, but the method and ingredients are typically similar.
In any case, it’s time to remember your Lego building classes from pre-school; the skills will come in handy today.
You’ll need two types of ingredients; some for the soft parts and some for the hard and sturdy ones (if you don’t see what I mean, you might be blind). Both are necessary for maximum pleasurable experience (read orgasm).
Ingredients for the soft parts
- The classics: onion, apple, carrots, celery, and citrus.
- Add some tenderness and use whipped cream (vegan option: full-fat coconut milk)
- Vegan alternative (particularly if you want to send a message to your partner): blend cashew nuts and water.
Mince and mix everything for softer contact with your skin. Pro-tip: keep some of the cream for your face mask later.
Ingredients for the sturdy parts
Personal recommendation, but feel free to improvise.
- Grapefruit for the head and two grapes for the eyes.
- Small cucumber for the beak. To be used later, or not, depending on your preferences.
- Celery for the neck. Can be a good combo with the small cucumber.
- Carved out watermelon for the body (that’s where most of the minced and mixed soft ingredients should go; the rest is to be spread across your partner’s body).
- Zucchinis work pretty well for legs and wings. Plus, the name is fancy, giving a sophisticated touch to your frankenturkey sex toy.
Method
It all boils down to the style and tone you want to give to your Thanksgiving party.
For an “I’m fun but classy” style
Get naked. Put on a bow tie. Set the reconstructed turkey on a silver plate in the middle of the dining room (pro tip: have a dining room) on the sixteenth-century wooden oak table imported from Europe. Sit elegantly with your partner (each on a different chair) and say, “Darling, could you pass me the turkey, I would like to gracefully fuck the heck out of it.” (Vegan option: no change)
For a “Grand’ma Di’ty Di’ty” style
Throw all the ingredients in the bathtub. Get naked. Put some whipped cream on your ass (vegan option: cover yourself in full-fat coconut milk). Jump in the bathtub and masturbate.
For a “Sexy Masquerade Ball” style
Get naked. Put a small turkey mask on your intimate parts. Put a turkey mask on your face. Gobble sweet nothings to your partner’s ears while fucking the reconstructed turkey. Turkey masks should be made off eggs (vegan option: tofu).
I hope these ideas will give a new twist to your Thanksgiving celebration this year. Bon appètit!
With thanks to R P Gibson’s comment on the following piece for the inspiration.
(Plot twist, I wrote it)
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