MENTAL HEALTH
How I Found ME Hiding in the Happy
Who would have thought moments of joy would be the ultimate key to unlocking SELF
In response to Queerly Trans’ callout for “Top 10 Moments of Joy”.
It all started when…
I kind of accidentally wrote a list of happy moments a few weeks ago. I brain-dumped moments from my past of pure joy (caveats below) and I had way more than ten moments. It was such a cathartic experience to just allow myself to acknowledge these moments (for so many reasons that I’ll probably need to write ANOTHER post about it). I’m not a fan of the clickbait titles like, “Top 10 Moments of Joy,” but, (ready for this?) listicles sounds like testicles and that gives me a raging happy. Go figure. You will never think of listicles the same again. I’m not even sorry. Anyway, I digress. But aren’t we used to that by now?
Let’s get on to those happy times, shall we? I’m not going to write a ̶t̶e̶s̶t̶i̶c̶l̶e listicle, but rather just share some moments and themes. Because I can. What of it? Lol.
That time I flew a freakin’ plane!
I didn’t mean to fly a plane! I mean, I did once I was in the plane, but I was supposed to be going for a driving lesson. Flying is a kind of driving… So, I was doing a pet-sit in regional Western Australia and thought it would be a great quiet place for me to perhaps get in some driving lessons and potentially even FINALLY go for my provisional license (Australia’s licensing levels = learners, provisional, unrestricted). Yes, that’s right people. I’m old AF and I cannot drive. Well, I can, I’m just not legally supposed to, lol. But when I was looking for driving schools, I accidentally saw a flying school instead. And before I had time to reason with whichever character in my head took over the meat-sack that is my body, I’d booked to go for a flying lesson. I kind of thought, so I’ll go in, and you know, I’ll sit in this plane and basically go on a joy flight.
On the day, they took me into a room and ran me through how to steer on the runway, the different parts of the plane, what to do in an emergency, and the commands for taking over and relinquishing flight controls. Oh, cool, you mean, I’ll actually get to fly it for a moment? I figured they were just giving me those steps as part of a first lesson, but, I didn’t think I’d actually be doing it. So when I got in this tiny little two-seater plane and the pilot started directing me to work the plane down the runway, holy crap! The adrenaline was intense and I couldn’t take the smile off my face.
I will definitely fly a plane again because that was incomparable!
To have control of this damn plane and to be the one that pulled back on the yoke when we hit 55 and lift it off the ground was fucking incredible. I had my GoPro hanging around my neck recording the whole time but I’ve never gone back and watched it. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I’m still riding the thrill of having done it. Watching it by video kind of almost makes it not as real — it turns it into a movie. But one thing is for sure: I will definitely fly a plane again because that was incomparable!
Walking/running — Seriously? Yeah, seriously!
The sit above was in Kalgoorlie. For those of you that don’t know Kalgoorlie, it’s a small mining town of red sand and Gold Rush buildings and structures. I was up just before sunrise every day and the beauty of walking/running as the sun rises over such a landscape is stunning. It started something! The first time I completed the virtual 13km Durrell Challenge (well, the only time so far but I’ll be doing it again next year) left me with a blister half the size of my arch that took weeks to heal, and the euphoria of having completed something I’d set out to do months before. I completed my 13km in 2 hours, 45 minutes, and 59 seconds and finished 448th out of 483 finishers. The medal I received will always hold a very special place as the first >10km race I competed in. And there was the knowledge that my entry fee went towards helping the Durrell Wildlife Conservation Trust.
The medal I received will always hold a very special place…
Then there was the time I climbed Diamond Head. Diamond Head is the extinct volcano in Honolulu on the island of Oahu. It has an elevation of 232m and offers breathtaking views from the summit. I found this video on YouTube to give you an idea (nowhere near as many people when I went at the crack of a sparrow’s fart in the morning).
It’s a surreal experience as you climb through areas constructed during and for wars. I didn’t do this one on my own, but in the six months lead-up, I’d literally worked my ass off losing 25 kgs and getting myself to a place where the hike wouldn’t kill me and I was the one that wanted to do the climb (kind of a metaphor for our entire relationship, but that’s another story, lol). I’ll never forget that moment of standing at the top, looking over, everything! Amazing.
Writing ALL the words!
Told you my characters are real
You better believe there are a lot of happy moments around writing. At first, I thought my first book launch would be one, but then I realized, nope! Because my book launch really wasn’t all that much for me. It was for others and to introduce them to the book. BUT, the thing about my book launch that was completely for me and gave me the biggest thrill (and I know it was for me because nobody else really cared, haha), was having my characters come to life! I hired actors to play Rebecca, Jordan, and Abby. They knew the backstories and character nuances right down to the way Rebecca would cross her arms when nervous. They stayed in character all night. At one point, I looked over and Jordan had a tablecloth around her head and Rebecca had about 20 straws in her drink. I cracked up laughing because of the perfection of how well they knew the characters. They were amazing. I could have left the rest of the book launch behind. I could have had nobody there except my characters and it would have been enough to keep me on life support for 10 years.
Last word sub-drop is a thing
When I finished the draft of the fifth book of the First Strike series and wrote the epilogue that wrapped everything up, I entered into what could only be called sub-drop. It happened when I finished my very first book too, although I didn’t know it at the time. The thrill of completing a book or series is so intense for me that I just run the fuck out of happy hormones and need a few days to recover. But damn if that moment (before sub-drop hits) is not absolutely spectacular. That rush, that joy, that relief, is something I love so much.
The thrill of completing a book or series is so intense for me that I just run the fuck out of happy hormones…
I felt it when I finished creating the pilot episode of The Treading Water podcast. This was created for a university major project and is an audio play adaptation of the first few chapters of my Treading Water book (due out in 2023). I had voice actors playing my characters and once more, they were given life! As a trans-masc character, getting an amazing trans-masc actor for Ash was imperative, and I found him! This one episode is one of my proudest achievements.
Space — the final frontier (and final section here, lol)
I am such a space nerd. I have a Graduate Diploma in Astronomy, just for shits and gigs because I am obsessed with space. So watching the launch of the Falcon Heavy has to be one of my most joyous moments. Yeah, ok, this is someone else’s achievement, but I wasn’t joyous FOR Elon. Like, I barely know the guy, haha. My joy came from the wonder and adventure of the possibilities and from the stories and ideas that exploded everywhere within me. My NUSA series (external Amazon link below) owes a lot to this launch.
Now I’m waiting just as keenly on the Artemis One launch as we take those next steps towards getting back to the moon. It blows my mind that in my lifetime, no one has stepped foot on the moon. That’s ridiculous! And I can’t wait to see it happen. I can’t wait to see the first woman, first black American, first Australian Aboriginal person (wouldn’t that be something), first trans and queer people (though who can really say we haven’t already *wink*) on the moon. It’s going to be amazing. I’ll be there, watching every moment, enjoying it with every fiber of my being.
Of course, it’s not just launches that light me up. Every time there’s a NASA exhibit, astronomy exhibit, geology exhibit, at a museum, I’m there. And yeah, this is getting a bit of joy through the experience of others, but my joy is in watching that and experiencing that and then taking that and putting it into my books, my stories, my characters. That’s MY joy. It’s all mine!
Phew — All the happy!
So indeed, I have some themes running through my happy times and it is through those themes that I found what I value the most: Adventure, wonder, freedom, beauty, and spontaneity. All of those values saturate everything I’ve mentioned above. And THAT is the key to success, for me! I now know that to be successful (in my definition of success), to be happy, I MUST meet all my values. And most importantly, all of the moments I mentioned here, are 100% ME! This is where I am — in MY moments of joy. Who would have thunk it?