How I Discovered Meditation

Featuring My Friend Anxiety

My meditation journey started with a friend of mine you may know. Its name is Anxiety. I didn’t realize it until my senior year of high school, but I think Anxiety has always been present in my life. I have wrestled with caring about what others think as long as I can remember. I’ve been concerned with the way I look, act, and feel. On top of that, I have had my fair share of self-induced panic attacks.

For most of my academic career, I couldn’t have cared less about my education. I especially hated standardized testing. I understood it had more to do with the school than with me, so I routinely bombed these exams in protest. In my junior year, I did just that with the SATs. I can’t remember my score, but I know it was deplorable.

In October of 2014, I had my last chance at doing well on the SATs. Anxiety convinced me I needed to go to college, so I wasn’t going to bomb this one. To ensure my success, I decided to get some help from a patron of the church parking lot next to my school. They didn’t give me a blessing or any corny pamphlets — they gave me Adderall. It was Friday morning, the day before the SATs. I snatched the amphetamines out of my classmate’s hand and decided to take it for a test drive. I popped one of the pills into my mouth and started walking toward campus. I went about my day in an electric fashion. I felt sharper, more confident, and Anxiety was playing hooky. I spent the morning rocking down the avenue when I hit a speed bump.

I found myself sitting in Botany after lunch. I was doing horribly in this class, and I wasn’t going to let it ruin my day. It was time to take it higher. I popped another pill in my mouth and began working on a worksheet. I looked up from my completed assignment and realized I was the first one done. My reading comprehension had never been better. All five questions were answered without referring back to the passage. I even enjoyed learning about the xylem and phloem. I marveled at the fun I was having in school.

Before I knew it, the day was over and I was skipping back to my car. I wasn't the only one sparked with excitement. The entire school was buldging with anticipation for the homecoming game that evening. I was not the type of kid to attend any football game, but I was going to be in the homecoming court ceremony. My girlfriend was a candidate for queen, and I was her escort.

I dawned my suit from junior prom and trotted across the football field posing for pictures. Teeth clenched, I never smiled so hard in my life. I remember my mom asking me if I was okay when she noticed me chewing on my lip like it was a piece of gum. Following the ceremony, Anxiety wouldn’t let me dance, and I kicked off an argument with my girlfriend.

Suddenly, I was in my bedroom tossing and turning — counting the seconds until I had to wake up for the SATs. 2:00 am, 3:00 am, 4:00 am, 7:00 am. I jumped out of bed feeling grateful for having slept at all. A half hour later, my brother and I pulled up to the school. I drank half a water bottle, took a bite of a granola bar, and popped another analeptic — it was showtime. I instantly felt my heart racing. I plowed into the crowded lobby where students were corralled. I spent some time trying to hold conversations until they let us go to our testing rooms.

I was not feeling well, but I needed to push on. I remember taking my seat and feeling trapped. The proctor passed out our official documents, and she recited her lines about time limits, breaks, and cheating. I could feel my heartbeat accelerate by the minute. When the testing started, I was in the pocket. I glided through the exam, but the side effects worsened with each section. The fifteen minute breaks were keeping a storm of panic at bay.

I made it to the seventh of twelve sections. My heart was digging a hole through my chest, and I began feeling light-headed. I tried taking some deep breaths, which kept me hanging on until the pain in my jaw started. Now I was hyperventilating, and I could feel some eyes turn toward me. Our proctor just stepped out of the room for a moment to use the restroom, and someone was filling in for her. I decided it was time to go.

I walked up to the substitute proctor, "Can I talk to you in the hall, please?" I said in a shaky tone.

She shot a confused look at me "I can’t do that, I have to watch the room"

I told her it’s an emergency, and she made an exception. She followed me into the hall, and I explained that I was on more stimulants than I could handle, and I needed to go to the hospital.

This was enough to get her attention, and I was escorted to a home office by a security guard. I had to sit there, explain to a vice principal that I was speeding my face off, and fill out a form to confirm that my test results won’t be counted. Next, the vice principal took me to another office where my mom was waiting to pick me up. I explained the situation to her, and we made our way to the hospital.

I had a resting heart rate of 130bpm. "You did the right thing. If you waited any longer, your heart could’ve stopped,” the nurse explained. I felt that he was just reassuring me before they pumped me with fluids for a couple of hours and sent me home.

I look back at this event as a glorified panic attack. That’s exactly what I experienced for months following the incident. I couldn’t sit in a classroom without feeling faint and on the verge of panic.

I drove my 17 year old body to the pediatrician with Anxiety in the passenger seat. The doctor referred me to a therapist and psychiatrist. They informed me that I do not have ADHD, I cannot have stimulants, I have Anxiety and possibly a panic disorder, I will receive anxiety medication, and I cannot be trusted with it in my possession.

The best part is that the pediatrician gave me something better than benzodiazepines. She had me lay down and guided me through a body scan meditation while a binaural beat played. I was astonished by its effect on me. I felt completely calm — Anxiety had left the building.

You might be anticipating a eureka moment where I realized meditation for what it is and banished Anxiety to another plane. While this was the inciting action in my meditation journey, there was no surge of energy that compelled me to meditate obsessively — that came later. This moment was life changing; I just didn’t know it yet.

Not a member yet? Support my writing on Medium by joining through the link below: