How High is my Higher Self?

If High is a Direction, Not High at All

Most of my life I’ve spent doing “Me” stuff or “I” — as in I did this; I did that. When I first heard the term: Higher Self, I thought it was up there somewhere, as above me.

At age 29 I attended a Gurdjieff-Bennett school in West Virginia on a 450-acre organic farm — it was the 6th Basic Course. I knew that I would be meeting my soulmate. It was a powerful feeling. I wondered about when she didn’t show up on the first day. Where was she? I still felt her out there. She arrived on the second day of the course. She came with two others from California. After introductions, I said, “You’re late. And I’m very happy you made it.” She said she was happy too, so happy she was literally glowing. It was love at first sight.

Seven months later I popped the question and she said:

“I can’t marry you. I’m two years older than you and you’re not Jewish.”

“I’ll convert,” I said. But she shook her head “no”. I felt crushed.

That was about a week before Dharmawara/Bhante’s Vipassanã meditation course. The night before Olivia and I was to meet I started the cycle for a Decision Exercise the next day. But I didn’t know about the meeting until that morning:

She asked to meet with her later in the day. I suggested the kitchen garden at 3 pm. She agreed.

The Decision Exercise is a process of surrendering self-will so something higher can enter. The Higher Will acts through the person in the chosen task and visualized/sensed the night before. We had been working with a few of the Latifas (Sufi energy centers). I chose to surrender my self-will for the Latifa Accept-Obey while listening to Olivia.

We met in the corn rows that were beginning to come up. She began talking. I engaged in the decision exercise and activated the Accept-Obey Latifa at the base of my throat. It was brief. She had decided to break up with me. I felt compassionate and loving towards her and me and I said calmly:

I completely understand.

It was my Higher Self from within that had been listening and speaking.

The next day after the decision exercise was completed and reviewed, Olivia came into my dorm room. She wanted to be friends, to hug and kiss me. Back in my ego I got angry and told her to leave. When she continued to approach me, invading my boundaries I asked her to leave with no effect. I yelled. She left.

Since that time I made it a practice to cultivate a place for the higher self to act and speak through me. Granted ego or the “I” self is around most of the time.