avatarDavid Fixter

Summary

The article discusses the post-operative struggles of the author after having their gallbladder removed, leading to unpredictable and embarrassing digestive issues.

Abstract

The author shares a personal account of life following gallbladder removal surgery, highlighting the severe digestive complications that have ensued. Despite being free from gallbladder attacks, the author now faces daily challenges involving sudden and uncontrollable bowel movements, which have significantly impacted their quality of life. The condition has confined the author to their home, fearing public accidents, and has led to a reliance on products like Preparation-H wipes and a strong toilet to manage the symptoms. The article humorously likens the author's predicament to a volcanic eruption, emphasizing the social and employment risks associated with their condition, and reveals that the author is part of the 10% of patients who experience ongoing difficulties after surgery.

Opinions

  • The author expresses dissatisfaction with the trade-off of no longer having gallbladder pain but dealing with severe digestive issues.
  • There is a sense of humor in the face of adversity, as the author uses potty humor and exaggerated metaphors to describe their situation.
  • The author feels like a prisoner in their own home due to the fear of public incontinence episodes.
  • There is frustration with the unpredictability of their condition, which affects their ability to work and socialize.
  • The author is determined to find a solution, indicating a commitment to managing their condition through diet and lifestyle changes.
  • The author hints at the irony of being part of the unlucky 10% who continue to suffer after gallbladder removal.

The Flushed Life

How Gallbladder Removal Has Made Me a Prisoner in My Own Home

Potty humor for the adults in the water closet

Photo by Jasmin Sessler on Unsplash

Having my gallbladder removed has become a pain in my ass.

Maybe that’s a bit hyperbolic. Actually, no, it’s not. I’ll get to that shortly. That reminds me. I need to run to the store for some more Preparation-H wipes.

My gallbladder was removed over a year ago. I’m happy I’m no longer in pain. Sitting motionless on my bed like Rodin’s The Thinker for six hours, having a gallbladder attack wasn’t much fun.

I’m not sure about the trade-off, though. I spend the first four hours of my day like an Olympic sprinter waiting for the starter’s gun. Once it does, I’m making a record-breaking dash to the bathroom.

If I make it to the bathroom on time, I can only describe what comes next as Old Faithful geyser erupting from my butt. Violent and stinky.

If I don’t make it there in time, I now have one more load of laundry to do that day. Oh, and another shower. I’m going through a lot more soap these days.

I’m so glad my sexy tall toilet is as strong as she is. I’m not sure how she withstands my nuclear explosions every day. Some days more than once.

I know I need to get out of the house for some exercise and find a job, butt I do worry about the possible mishaps.

Imagine, if you will, standing at a cash register, checking out a customer. Suddenly you get that ominous feeling. There’s nowhere you can go. Nothing you can do.

Your customer is taking their own sweet time because they have all day and nowhere to be.

Then, in the flash of an eye, your ass erupts like a volcano! Hot stinky lava blowing a hole in the back of your pants! Spraying out of your backside like a firehose! The poor person who just happens to be standing behind you is in the direct path of the ensuing destruction! Complete pandemonium!

When the explosion is complete, you hear the voice of the poor person who was behind you. This person, by the way, is your manager. The words out of their mouth, between coughing and choking, are, “You're fired!”

Oh, Crap! Another shitty job flushed.

10% of people who have their gallbladders removed continue to have difficulties. What makes me so stinking lucky to be part of that 10%? I never asked to be King of Squirtsville and sit on a porcelain throne.

I guess I’ll keep trying to figure out what to eat and how to eat until I find what works.

Well, no use being butt-hurt about it. Preparation-H wipes help with that, by the way.

If you like my writing, please support my work at Ko-fi.

Brand art courtesy of David Todd McCarty
Humor
Satire
Gallbladder
Muddyum
Diarrhea
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