BUMPIN’ UGLIES/ROGUES’ GALLERY
How Do You Know You’ve Gone “Round the Bend?”
When the dumbest shit cracks you up
These are strange days indeed. In spite of the season, not at all “joyful,” if you have any sense of what’s going on in the world.
Killer tornadoes. Killer teens. Dirty politics. Dirty corporate doings. And people so deceitful and so devoid of fulfillment that they get their jollies by hacking into something as innocuous as a Facebook account.
Do you feel it, when you wake up in the morning? A sense of dread? A feeling that the world is in deep, deep doo-doo?
I don’t want to get too dark here as this is supposed to be a humorous piece, but I need to let you know how I’ve been feeling so you’ll understand the stupid shit I do to distract my brain from all the bad stuff going on.
There is a bump on my right wrist called a ganglion cyst. A nausea-inducing name for a common, benign condition that pops up, as so many do, uninvited and seemingly, overnight.
I can’t explain it better than WebMD, which says that a ganglion cyst is:
A small sac of fluid that forms over a joint or tendon (tissue that connects muscle to bone). Inside the cyst is a thick, sticky, clear, colorless, jellylike material. Depending on the size, cysts may feel firm or spongy.
Ick.
They can appear on the top or underside of the wrist right at the joint. Less commonly, they can pop up in these areas:
- The base of the fingers on the palm, where they appear as small pea-sized bumps
- The fingertip, just below the cuticle, where they are called mucous cysts
- The outside of the knee and ankle
- The top of the foot
Double Ick.
There is no definitive explanation for why these cysts occur. And aside from the fact that there is nothing attractive about a lump, anywhere, they’re relatively harmless unless they rest on or near a joint, which is the case with me. In that event, these bastards can be painful.
How do you know if you’re at risk? These factors play a part:
- Your sex and age. Ganglion cysts can develop in anyone, but they most commonly occur in women between the ages of 20 and 40.
- Osteoarthritis. People who have wear-and-tear arthritis in the finger joints closest to their fingernails are at higher risk of developing ganglion cysts near those joints.
- Joint or tendon injury. Joints or tendons that have been injured in the past are more likely to develop ganglion cysts.
Repetitive movements, such as those in strength training, can also instigate a ganglion cyst. This is how I believe mine developed.
Not fun, yet, I know, but just wait!
There’s another name for ganglion cysts — Bible Bumps.
Okay, I’m starting to laugh already. Let me collect myself.
The alternate moniker is due to the fact that historically, people would rid themselves of these fluid-filled sacs by whacking them with a heavy book. And in most households, that book was the Bible.
Now, I’d love to know who was the first to test this out. I’m trying to imagine the scenario.
Hmmmm. Let’s see…
FADE IN.
Interior modest home, the early 1900s. Two brothers, Caleb and Joshua, sixteen and seventeen, are at work raiding their father’s liquor cabinet.
Joshua takes a swig of “Old Overholt” and turns to his brother.
“Hey Caleb, can you take care of this for me?” (Holds up wrist with a big ‘ole bump on the top of it.)
Caleb takes a closer look and grimaces. “Jesus Christ on a crutch! What the fuck did you do now? Wait’ll mama sees that. I think I’m gonna be sick!”
Joshua hands the bottle to his brother. “Hey, you owe me! Don’t forget that night in the barn with Loosey Lucy Fairchild! You’re not supposed to put your face there! It’s a sin!”
He burps.
Caleb gestures toward the offending bump. “Anyways, what do you expect me to do with THAT?”
Joshua scrubs at his face, which is beet red from the alcohol.
“I don’t know! You’re supposed to be the smart one! Hit it with something! Make it disappear!”
Caleb is incredulous. “HIT it with something? Like what? Daddy’s shovel?”
Joshua thumps Caleb in the chest. “No, you boob! You want me to look like old man Smoots down at the general store? You know…with the fucked up hand?”
Caleb scrunches up his face, thinking, “What, Buster? He’s ok.”
Joshua thumps him again. “Idiot! Screw Buster! Hold on, I’ll find something to hit this thing with.”
Stumbling, Joshua circles the room looking for something to smash his bump with. Meanwhile, Caleb takes a couple more pulls off the bottle of booze.
“Here! Use this,” Joshua says, grabbing a thick tome off of a bookshelf.
THE BIBLE!
He thrusts it at Caleb, who immediately balks. “Are you serious? You want me to smash that thing with the BIBLE? Ain’t that a sin?”
Joshua thumps Caleb in the chest again, for good measure. “Oh, now you’re talkin’ sin?! Just do it!”
He holds out his wrist.
Reluctantly, Caleb takes the Bible. Swallowing hard, he asks, “Are you sure you want to do this?”
Joshua gestures toward the bottle of booze. “Yep. Here, gimme that.”
He takes a long pull and hands it back to his brother, who does the same.
Joshua takes a deep breath. “Ok. I’m ready. Hurry, before mama and daddy get home.”
Caleb, who is also unsteady on his feet, rears back. Joshua closes his eyes.
Squinting, Caleb takes aim at Joshua’s bump and gives it a mighty THWACK with the BIBLE!
“OWWWW, FUCK!” Joshua cries.
The Good Book falls from Caleb’s hands as he turns around and pukes on the carpet.
“Hey, it’s gone! You did it!” Joshua holds up his wrist.
NO MORE BUMP.
Caleb wipes his mouth with his shirt sleeve. He points to the mess on the carpet.
CU of the BIBLE splashed with his puke.
“Good. Now you can clean that up!”
FADE TO BLACK.
That’s how I imagine, it anyway.
Now, boys and girls, never try this at home. Whacking a ganglion cyst with ANY book will fuck up your hand big time and possibly cause lasting nerve damage.
See a doc, who will most likely try to aspirate it with a needle, as a first resort. For me, I think I’ll hold off for a while. Having a tooth pulled was sufficient shock to my system, at least until after the holidays.
I’ll leave you with the following. If you ever doubted that people are crazy AF, watch this:
Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. She is currently pitching her newest screenplay, “The Month We Fell Apart,” a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story, as well as “DEAD TIRED,” a female-driven, ass-kicking thriller.
Thanks for reading, guys. If you enjoyed this, I’d love for you to check out the following, as well as my newsletter, Sherry Raw.
