How Conflict Brought Me Closer to My Partner

No relationship is free of conflict, and difficult conversations are unavoidable. I found a way to handle them.

When I had to deal with difficult conversations, learning to reframe how I express myself and hear others was a game-changer. Instead of habitual and automatic reactions, my words became conscious responses, based on awareness of what I was perceiving, feeling, and wanting.

There are 5 tips that helped me handle difficult conversations and experience a closer bond with my partner after the storm.

They gave me an opportunity for change and growth.

They made me a better person.

You can do it too. With that said, let me share with you my 5 tips.

Tip #1: Have a goal

Conflict by itself is neither good nor bad. It is the outcome of an unresolved conflict that can be good or bad. This is why it is important to define what you want from the conversation and move toward this outcome.

Is it understanding that you want? Resolution?

Make sure to consider if your goals are realistic. Replace ego-centric behaviors with outcome-centric behaviors. Handling a difficult conversation is not about trying to get things to go your way. It’s about having an interaction or communication with a specific outcome in mind.

Replace ego-centric behaviors with outcome-centric behaviors.

On top of contents goals — what you want from the conversation — these should be your three other goals:

1. An improved and respected relationship

Understand that one’s relationship with the other person is important. So, respect it.

2. Saving face

This is the concept that we need to allow the other person to change their mind or course of action while retaining their dignity. If you pay attention to your partner’s need for dignity, they will be more likely to stay engaged in the resolution, rather than in fighting back.

3. A productive process

It is the feeling that you are engaging in an effective process. Ask yourself “Do I like the person that I became during this conflict? Did my actions lead to resolution or make things worse?”. If you maintain a good process throughout a conflict, you feel better about yourself, and you are more likely to productively engage the other person.

There is no true resolution unless both participants in a conflict win in some way. Give up the idea that there is a right and wrong answer. The best answer is that which makes both parties invested in the outcome.

There is no true resolution unless both participants in a conflict win in some way.

Tip #2: Relax

Conflicts have physiological effects on our bodies. Our breathing changes, and stress hormones are released. If we lack skills to meet this swell of energy, our cognitive functions alter. Our sympathetic system prompts us to react with aggression, fear, and confusion. We either become avoidant, confrontational, passive, or passive-aggressive.

With mindful presence and skills, we can shift these patterns and soothe our nervous system. So, before and during the difficult conversation, ease back into your body.

• Gently ask your body to relax. Tightened musculature sends unnecessary danger signals to the brain.
• Breathe deeply and slowly. Holding the breath also signals danger.
• Slow down. Rushing presses the psyche’s panic button.
• Feel the fear or any other emotions in your body without reacting to them. This is just an energy in your body. It cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it.
• During the conversation, seek out moments to pause. This helps integrate information and bring the emotion down a notch. For example. pause to drink some water.

When you nourish yourself before and during the conversation, you feel clear, balanced, and well-resourced.

Tip #3: Watch your body language

Have you ever been upset with another person not because of what was said but because of how they said it? Yes, it is not what you say but how you say it that matters.

We tend to think that communication is only verbal, but it is physical as well. Your words may be saying one thing but your body language quite another. Ultimately, it is your body language which resonates most with your partner. This leads to a simple and irrevocable truth. When it comes to body language, actions do speak louder than words, so your body language is prime.

Your eyes, your mouth, your hands, your head, and movements of various body parts reveal your mental state. They send signals of respect and understanding or of condescension and contempt.

When you have a difficult conversation, be mindful of:

1. Your tone of voice. Are you yelling?
2. Your facial expression. Are you rolling or closing your eyes? Are you smiling?
3. Your posture. Are you turning your body away from your partner?
4. Your gestures. Are you shaking your hands or pointing your fingers?

Your eyes, your mouth, your hands, your head, and movements of various body parts reveal your mental state.

Tip #4: Establish rapport

Rapport helps us focus our intention on being collaborative rather than combative.

• First, listen and validate

Sometimes, we go into a conversation thinking we know what the other person feels or wants. But, are you really understanding where your conflict-partner is coming from?

The best route to understand the other is to engage in active listening. As you listen, make sure to summarize and repeat the concerns of the other party in your own words. Being active in the listening will help you both. Use the technique called mirroring. Repeat what your counterpart says but with an inquisitive tone.

• Have the curiosity of a child

Ask questions. You want to know more about the story behind the words because, in reality, we only judge what we don’t understand.

Avoid at all costs using why, because it is more accusatory than how or what. When asked why, people tend to feel blamed. So, they either shut up or go into a defensive mode as they try to justify themselves. Meanwhile, a what or how question invites an open discussion. It helps bring more harmony and peace during sensitive conversations.

Let’s say that I am disturbed by your words. I can choose to either ask “Why are you saying that?”, or I could ask “What makes you say that?”. Can you feel the difference between the two questions?

Here are some of my favorite questions that help me to understand without the accusatory why:

• How did this happen?

• What can we do to sort this out?

• Can you tell me more about it?

• Understand and state the emotions of your partner

Conflicts are rarely about what it is being discussed; they usually have more to do with the feelings underneath.

If two people argue about who takes out the trash, the argument is probably really about feeling respected and validated, rather than the garbage itself.

When you are listening, you want to make sure to understand your partner’s feelings, needs, and desires. When you figure out what they are feeling, it tells your counterpart that you understand and acknowledge both their position and their feelings. You are more likely to reach a favorable outcome in the process.

Now, understanding doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing with the other person. It just means attempting to see their perspective.

Which brings us to tip #5.

Tip #5: Refrain from moralistic judgment and blaming

When encountering people who don’t act in harmony with our values, or behaviors that we either don’t like or don’t understand, we react in terms of their wrongness or badness. We start being judgmental, and we use:

1. Blame
2. Insults
3. Put-downs
4. Labels
5. Criticism
6. Comparisons, and
7. Diagnoses

These are all forms of moralistic judgments. They trap us in a world of ideas about what is right and what is wrong. This is life-alienating.

So, instead of shifting into instantaneous blame, take a moment to switch from reaction to reflection.

Why are you angry? What do you want?

Instead of going for the jugular, take responsibility for what you feel, and state it. Say what you want and not what the other did not do. It is tempting to launch into anger instead of experiencing the vulnerability of putting yourself out there, asking for something, and waiting with the possibility that you won’t get it. For many, anger is easier to express than hurt. Anger can feel like a confidence booster and an analgesic. Yet, the more we communicate through anger, the more anger we get in return. It creates a negative cycle of escalations.

The more we communicate through anger, the more anger we get in return.

You can recognize a moralistic judgment when you use the words “always” and “never”. Conflict often creates a rigidity, leaving little room for nuance. These always and never statements become factual, as if what we have asserted is verified data. But, a lot of what is presented as fact is an intensification of someone’s experience.

So, avoid at all costs using never and always. Because when you say “never!” or “always” to someone, the first thing they will do is disagree, citing a contrary example from the past. Don’t shift your feelings into pseudo-factual talk, and stay true to the conversation.

By employing these 5 tips, you can handle any type of conversation and become closer to your partner. The key is to stay calm, establish rapport, and understand where your partner is coming from.

It only takes one person applying these tips to make the difference. The other person you are interacting with doesn’t need to be motivated to relate to you the same way. If you stay with the principles that I have shared, they will eventually join you in the process.