How a Friend I Made on Ashley Madison Had My Back.
“I will confess I am a great wingman” Louis Tomlinson.
MonalisaSmiled wrote an interesting piece on what adultery has taught her about connections we make online. One point she made was the following:
“Don’t burn bridges, you don’t need to. If a sexual component is out, friends may be in, then who knows what might evolve. Ask yourself, does the upside outweigh the downside? Everyone needs a wingman of the opposite sex.”
This reminded me of a dear friend that I made on AM all those years ago. His name was *Bob.
The story begins with Richard who was going to be my affair. Richard wooed me with a sapiosexual connection as he had a PhD in philosophy. I’m a lover of the written word (no coincidence that I’m a librarian). I was smitten from the first few messages exchanged. Richard had an affair before. It was a revenge affair because he caught his wife cheating. They went to marriage counseling and he understood why his wife cheated. But his affair woke something up inside of him and he wanted to experience an affair again.
After setting the date with Richard, I had planned on logging off Ashley Madison. I was completely ignorant of the world of online dating. I thought I had to respond to every man that messaged me. Yes, Amused Reader, go ahead and roll your eyes.
Well, it wasn’t all a circus. Because for some odd reason, two men stood out and I found I enjoyed chatting with them. One turned out to be my eventual affair partner who has now been in my life for ten years. The other man was Bob.
After setting the date with Richard, I then didn’t hear from him for several days. This was a red flag as he had given me daily attention for the two weeks prior. I was also falling fast for my affair partner who completely doted on me. Bob knew that I had set a date with Richard so he acquiesced and accepted what was. Unlike my affair partner who was going to win me away from Richard no matter what!
Bob and I moved into a comfortable platonic friendship. He and I messaged each other almost daily for several years. Bob’s wife had told him that she no longer wanted sex and that he should just “find it elsewhere”. During the years that Bob and I were friends, he caught his wife cheating with his best friend. That’s a story in and of itself that I may have to save for another time because it’s a doozy. But long story short, his wife admitted to the affair and told Bob he could have an open marriage. By then Bob had met a lover on AM.
Bob once told me that I was his savior during the years that he was estranged from his wife and seeking a lover. He said that no one understood him like me and if he didn’t have me to chat with daily, he would have sunk into depression. However, he also told me that he wished he was my lover instead of the man that I was currently seeing. Therefore, I was supportive to Bob but I did try to keep him at an arms-length as I didn’t want to lead him on.
My marriage was ending. My then-husband had a lovely characteristic of not being able to keep a job for more than a few years. During our 25-year marriage, he was fired from 8 jobs. With each job loss, his behavior became more unstable and erratic. Living with him felt like walking in a minefield. I just held my breath and waited for the explosions. I was working on a financial plan to get a divorce. My husband had said “You want a divorce? Then you pay for it.” He knew we had little money and it just became another area where he could try to control me.
I took a third job on the weekends in an airport parking garage. I sat in one of those little booths on Friday and Saturday nights until midnight. Bob used to come and park his car in my lane when it was in-between flights and therefore, downtime. We talked a lot about the lover he met on Ashley Madison. She was constantly giving him mixed messages and he needed my advice. In turn, he learned a lot about my terror at home and my growing fear of my husband’s unpredictable and volatile behavior.
That’s when Bob came through for me in a situation that could have brought me great harm.
My husband worked at a truck depot. Bob owned his own business but just happened to have an appointment with the manager at the truck depot. Bob told the manager that he knew my husband. It was a time slot where my husband would have been making deliveries and not on site. Yes, it was risky but Bob had a ready-made story if, for some odd reason, my husband was there. The manager then told Bob that my husband was fired weeks ago for workplace intimidation.
Yes, Wise Reader, the manager was not allowed to disclose that personal information to Bob. But the manager was the one that my husband had threatened so I suppose he didn’t feel like being confidential.
Basically then, my husband was leaving for work every morning but waiting in a parking lot until myself and the kids had left and then he went back home. In hindsight, the signs were there but since I try to avoid him, I didn’t pay attention. When I told my therapist the story, she became alarmed for my safety and told me to start the divorce proceedings immediately. She was correct. Eventually, my husband did become physically abusive. Thank goodness I had already retained a lawyer who was there with me at the order of protection hearing.
If I didn’t have my Ashley Madison wingman watching my back, things could have been much much worse.
Gentle Reader, I must confess as I retell this story, I realize how much it saddens me. Because I did eventually lose touch with Bob.
Although he and his wife opened up their marriage, his wife’s only goal was to continue to sleep with her lover. But her lover got caught by his wife and ended the affair immediately. Then Bob’s lover gave him an ultimatum. Bob’s lover was going through a divorce. She wanted Bob to get a divorce too. When Bob didn’t agree, they went their separate ways.
For the next two years, there was no sex between Bob and his wife or with other people. It was like they both gave up. During this time I had discovered my mistress group and was putting my free time into corresponding with my cyber girlfriends. The chatting began to wane with Bob and me. I would send him articles that I was discussing with my mistress friends but it all seemed to bother him now. His wife was now gambling and he was getting “happy massages” at a local place.
Friendships are like lovers. We all grow and change. Bob was still miserable and my “affair world” may have rubbed salt in his wound of continual unfulfillment. I, on the other side, knew that Bob always wanted more. The friendship may have faded but I’d like to think that both Bob and I gave each other something special during our time together.
And sometimes that’s enough to look back on fondly.
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