Tomorrow’s Style Today!
Hot Fashion Trends for 2023
Let’s sex up your Spring
Want to be chic?
There’s no better way to successfully kick-it with today’s youth than to be adorned in the trendiest attire.
Take it from me, your humble fashion reporter. I’ve been in the ornamental outfit game ever since I conceived the idea for this article earlier this morning, and I intend to use my depth and breadth of experience to make you the chic-est mixer in your social circle.
Here are my predictions for the Top 6 Fashion Trends of 2023.
Ass Acne
Once a keen source of inspiration for the body shaming community, 2023 will be known as the year that the imperfect ass came gamboling out of the closet.
Smooth, supple buttocks are so last decade (and every other decade before the last one as well).
An ass with some character is the ass of the 2020s— I’m talking one with dimples, whiteheads, and condensed clusters of aggressive red sebaceous glands that make it difficult to sit down.
Banana Peel Bathing Suits
Perfect for both men and women, this disposable, affordable, environmentally friendly swimwear will be all the rage come summer.
Compliment your outfit with a banana peel hat, and don’t forget to spread peanut butter over your nipples to prevent bikini slips. Comes in green, yellow, and for those looking to combine bathing suit and perfume: black.
Best worn with mosquito repellent.
Utter Exasperation
Exhaustion after a prolonged period of intense irritation and/or frustration is so in right now.
And not just among the overburdened.
Just because you’re not being worked to the bone at a job that causes far more stress than it ever does satisfaction, doesn’t mean you can’t dress like you’re on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Frayed collars, raccoon eyes, and disheveled hair all pair perfectly with an untucked, sweat-stained, classic-fit stripe print dress shirt from Ralph Lauren.
Swiss Guard
Ever notice how old trends come back around?
Well, this high fashion statement from the seventeenth century is well overdue for a return to the stage. Nothing says ‘Better keep your eye on this one!’ quite like a yellow, blue, and red gala ensemble designed by Michelangelo.
If it’s good enough for a Ninja Turtle, it’s good enough for you.
Missing a Lateral Incisor
With a crippling recession only months away from reeking absolute havoc on the economy, 2023 will be a time to pay homage to the underclasses of society.
Expect a rash of at-home dentistry starting early this summer, as young men and women seek to fit in with the new chic of looking like shit — on purpose.
Any costs associated with the inevitable collateral damage inside your mouth can be covered by the compensation you will surely receive from the tooth fairy.
Back tits
Male? Female? Sounds suspiciously 2022 to me. Neutral body images are all the rage in 2023.
With that in mind, I predict back tits — possible no matter your gender — will soon be an accepted and even accentuated aspect of the human body.
Sure, the old backwards bra might take some getting used to — especially for those of us who aren’t even used to the boring frontwards bra currently worn by less fashionable women the world over. But those lovely longissimus lumps will be worth it!
For bonus points, try all six of these tips simultaneously. If your friends and family stop speaking to you, you’re doing it right.
Enjoyed yourself? Then read this, Stupid:
For those looking to brush up on their apocalyptic fear, please read Loudt Darrow: