Summary

The web content humorously reflects on the author's personal and quirky Google searches from the past year, revealing insights into their life and thoughts.

Abstract

The article presents a humorous take on the author's eclectic Google search history from the previous year, ranging from the existence of guns in Harry Potter to the health of a popular sex educator, Sue from "Sex with Sue." It touches on the author's brief contemplation of murder, the curiosity about a dog's ability to use a toilet, and the daily hope for a herpes cure. The searches also include questions about Meghan Markle's perceived sadness, the reason for a goldfish swimming upside down, and how to cheat on a prostate exam. The author muses on the design of chairs for knees that bend the other way and ponders the best vacation spots in Ukraine, all while reflecting on the nature of Google's search queries and the personal insights they can provide.

Opinions

The author finds humor in the mundane and personal nature of Google search queries, suggesting they reveal much about a person.
There is a satirical tone regarding the annual release of Google's top search queries, implying they are often trivial.
The author mockingly questions the lack of guns in the Harry Potter universe, pointing out it could be seen as a plot hole.
There is a light-hearted dismissal of the idea that one's wife could be compelled to testify against them in a murder trial, as if such a plot was a mere whimsical notion.
The piece jokes about the author's fixation on finding a cure for herpes, equating it to a daily ritual of hope.
The author facetiously attributes Meghan Markle's sadness to racism and constipation, simplifying complex issues of royal life and personal struggles.
The article pokes fun at the absurdity of trying to cheat on a prostate exam, highlighting the importance of the procedure for health reasons.
The author playfully envisions alternative chair designs for hypothetical scenarios, such as knees bending the opposite way, showcasing a whimsical imagination.
There is a touch of irony in the author's plans to visit Ukraine, given the subsequent events that may have impacted travel there.
The article concludes with a self-deprecating invitation to read more of the author's work, maintaining the humorous and informal tone throughout.

Google Searches

I Searched Some Deviant Sh** on Google Last Year

And I still don’t know why there are no guns in Harry Potter

For an evil corporation that will one day own my first born, they sure do have fun colors in their logo. (Image by Mitchell Luo on Unsplash)

Every year, Google releases a list of the top 10 Questions asked on it’s platform. For the most part, they’re quotidian (I’ll wait while you search the meaning of quotidian on Google).

For example, the top ten Google queries starting with the word ‘where’ in 2022 are:

Ironically, seeing the query: ‘where i can find happiness’ fills with me sadness. (Image captured from tectara.com)

I think we can all agree that chart is simply riveting, but personally, I already know that kidneys are located in Chinese re-education camps. Duh.

If you really want an insight into who you are as a human being, I say go to myactivity.google.com and browse your own 2022 search history.

I did. Here’s what came up.

“Is Sue from Sex with Sue dead?”

Great news: she’s alive! Sue is 92 years old, living in Toronto, Canada, and still gives talks about sex. The bad news? When I googled: ‘Is Sue from Sex with Sue Single?’, I found out she also still insists on being married to some Swedish guy named Ejnor.

Talking about Sex with Sue officially gives me leeway to use this scandalous picture as my cover photo. (Image by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash)

“Will My Wife be Forced to Testify Against Me in a Murder Trial?”

I searched this back in July, when after multiple late night parties, I briefly hatched a plot with my wife to brutally murder my upstairs neighbor. Turns out my wife can be subpoenaed, but will not be forced to disclose her conversations or correspondence with me throughout the marriage. By the the first light of morning we had decided against murder, opting instead to give the ceiling a good broomstick pounding to exorcise our ire.

“Can I Teach My Dog to Shit in the Toilet?”

What a perfectly reasonable question, if I had a dog. I must have been searching for a friend. Certainly not for voyeuristic reasons.

Turns out dogs can read, but they cannot use toilets. The more you know. (Image by Jamie Street on Unsplash)

“Is there a cure for herpes?”

I search this question every morning when I wake up, and the answer is a consistent, resounding no. What can I say? I guess I’m just a boy filled with hope. And hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope I can see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.

“Why is Meghan Markle so sad?”

The long answer: Meghan believes she was poorly informed about the famous family she was marrying into. Apparently the poor woman has never heard of Google, and did not realize until it was too late that they were tied to a history of colonial crimes dating back centuries, and thus has to choose every day between her pure, unconditional love for some red-headed rube named Harry, and a direct association with a family she doesn’t care for.

The short answer: racism and constant constipation.

“Why are there no guns in Harry Potter?”

By all accounts, for the sake of selling children’s books, JK Rowling was willing to let this obvious plot hole slide. I mean, a gun would’ve cleared up the whole situation with He Who Must Not Be Named pretty damn quick, and that doesn’t leave much room for sequels.

The Google search wasn’t a complete waste, as it did unearth this nugget of wisdom from Quora:

“It’s true that wands are much more versatile, but they also require much more skill to use, and, I would add, are not as quick. Assuming that drawing a wand and drawing a gun take the same amount of time, all one has to do is compare the time it takes to say a few syllables with the time it takes to pull a trigger to know which one would be the faster weapon. Voldemort may have been a master of magic, but I don’t see how anyone could argue against the idea that if someone (anyone?) had gotten near Voldy with a pistol they could certainly have shot him several times before he could do anything about it.”

Finally, some back to school shopping I can get behind! (Image by Rithika Gopalakrishnan on Unsplash altered by me)

“Why is my goldfish swimming upside down?”

Turns out he’s just sleeping. Phew.

“How do I cheat on a prostate exam?”

Apparently, cheating on a prostate exam is not advisable. A prostate exam isn’t like a math exam, but more of a digital rectal examination conducted by a healthcare practitioner as a screening method for early signs of prostate cancer.

Still inent on cheating on your prostate exam? I recommend peeking over at your neighbors exam when the doctor isn’t looking.

“What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?”

According to Google, the chair would look like this:

Backwards chair. Sort of. (Image by Markus Degerman on mutualart.com)

Personally, if my knees were anything other than absolutely perfect, I’d want the chair to look like this:

Sweet relief. (Image by Richard Novik on theanesthesiaconsultant.com)

“What are the best vacation spots in Ukraine?”

This is search is from last January, when I was busy hatching fun, off-kilter vacation ideas for the coming year. I never ended up going to Ukraine last year. I don’t remember why . . .

Enjoyed yourself? Then read this, Stupid:

Pardon Me: Do I Have Spinach in My Asshole?

What the Dickens?

medium.com

Also check out this lovely read from WalkingDisaster:

Mercury is in Microwave Again

My Advice for Having Your Mental Breakdown

medium.com