CHILDREN’S LITERATURE

Horton Gets a Handy

With apologies to Dr. Seuss

Ran into a story today of a zoo visitor disturbed by the sight of an elephant’s erection. Her suggestion was that the situation could be avoided if the zoo staff “took care of the poor animals and RELEIVED THEM.”

It touched me, and I was moved to verse. I’m sure Mr. Geisel would be proud.

A lady she woke up and went to the zoo, to visit the monkey, lion, bat, and gnu.

She came to the elephant, all wrinkled and gray. But this time was different, it was no average day!

She was astonished to see ‘neath the great pachyderm, there hung a vast cannon for his pachyderm sperm!

Now of all that you’ll see in your lifetime, I’ll bet an elephant’s member isn’t one you’ll forget.

The beasts are enormous, with huge ears and long trunk. But you’ve ne’er seen the like of an elephant’s junk!

Yet his wife, she was weary of her man’s am’rous ways. He’d had no pachy-nookie for many, many long days.

So the lady she shouted with both dis and belief, “You have to do something to give him relief!”

The keepers were downcast, they knew it was true. The poor bull was lonely, his balls might turn blue!

They tried to hire someone who could manage that wank, but there was a problem, and it was the bank.

You see, a zoo’s budget isn’t like that bull’s ball. Like the heart of a Grinch, it’s two sizes too small.

So HR crunched the numbers, and when they were done said, “We’ll fill the position, but can afford only one.”

Yet with so many creatures living there at the zoo, it’s a lot to know how to do what and to who.

Be they big as an hippo or small as a moth, was there any one person who could get them all off?

“We’ll need someone special, oh, that rarest of finds! A genius who’s handy with cranks of all kinds!”

So they made an announcement to the town’s lads and maids: “A POSITION IS OPEN FOR A JACK OFF ALL TRADES.”

John thinks he’s a writer, or perhaps just a jerk who rambles and scribbles and avoids useful work. He wants you to read his so-called words of mirth, but it’s open to question what this Werth’s really worth.

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