Hogan Torah’s Guide on How Not to Write Humor

I can’t explain how to write humor but have no problem telling you what you’re doing wrong.

All humor writers on Medium must write an obligatory ‘how to write humor’ story. My attempt at this story has been sitting unfinished in my drafts for two years. I take it out every few weeks to play with it but it’s never been right. Today I admit my defeat.

Other humor writers might not have a problem publishing a story with ‘how to’ in the title that doesn’t teach a damn thing, but I do. Every humorist that has passed through Medium has already written a story about how to write humor, I shouldn’t need to. But the stories that exist, suck. My story would have also sucked.

I accept defeat and admit I have no fucking clue how to explain to another person how to write humor well. There’s a hundred different ways to be funny, each with a dozen subcategories.

My how to write humor story would need to be a book. I don’t need to start writing another book I never complete. I already have one of those I’ve been working on for three years, but doesn’t every writer?

That was my first joke. And here comes my first point after a separator.

Not every sentence needs to be funny

Most good jokes are set up. If your story has one good joke, that’s plenty. Henny Youngman and Mitch Headburg were great one liner stand-up comedians, but this isn’t stand-up.

Unless you’re writing a listicle which is frowned upon elsewhere but acceptable for humor. In which case every sentence should be funny.

Things aren’t funny. What happens to them is

Your spouse isn’t funny. Your dog isn’t funny. Your kid isn’t funny. It’s what your kid did that’s funny, but more importantly how you explain what your kid did.

Butts aren’t funny. It’s what comes out and goes up them that’s funny.

Words aren’t funny. Poop deck, gaylord, ramrod, titmouse, butte, haberdashery, kale, pumpernickel. Those words alone aren’t funny to anyone older than nine. If I see words used as stand alone jokes in humor stories I’m done reading.

Situations aren’t funny. How they came to be and what happened is

Your story should stand on it’s own. If you didn’t have jokes there’s still a story someone might read and at the end not wonder what the fuck that was supposed to be. The story itself doesn’t have to be funny but for humor your retelling of the story does.

Don’t force it

I start with a a concept that has humor opportunities. Usually I Tweet what might be the title and see how it does. If nobody likes my Tweet I don’t write it. Next I come up with a joke I want to tell and build off that. After I’m done I sit on it for a day to see if I come up with more or better jokes.

If I don’t have a concept I don’t have a story. Browsing and interacting with Twitter is where I get 90% of my ideas. Some days I have zero. Some days it’s ten.

I don’t write humor in a linear fashion. I’m always going back to set up jokes I think up as I’m writing. If I’m not feeling the funny on any given day I can’t force it. That doesn’t work. What may work for you could be completely different.

Your humor shouldn’t read like an essay

Humor shouldn’t be formal unless it’s part of the joke. Use slang, make up words, use emoji but only when it’s funny and fits with the story.

Two tools I choose not to use: voice-to-text and Grammarly. I think up my best jokes as I’m typing. I’m even funnier in handwriting because it’s slower. Something about writing words unlocks the wordplay pun area of my brain. Voice to text doesn’t work for me.

Grammarly kills your voice. My work wouldn’t be as funny as it is. It makes your writing sound like it was translated from Portuguese. Which should be funny but it’s unintentionally funny which is bad. Adverbs are useful in humor. Most punch lines are written in passive voice. I suppose some of my sentences might be hard to read if you’re a fucking moron.

Don’t trip if Slackjaw rejects you

If you’ve been rejected by Slackjaw it doesn’t mean your story isn’t funny. All the top humor writers who are actually funny have been rejected from Slackjaw. Me included.

I’m not still bitter, but I don’t understand why that pub is the auto curate pub and one unfunny person gets to decide what gets distributed. Have you read what they do publish? It’s not funny. The owner of Slackjaw likes to torpedo promising humor writers with self doubt.

Don’t forget Chekhov’s gun

Chekhov’s gun is a dramatic principle that states everything within a story or should serve some purpose. Unless the sweater is part of whatever purpose the dog serves it doesn’t need to be there.

Formatting isn’t funny

A dog wearing a sweater isn’t funny.

A dog wearing a sweater still isn’t funny.

A dog wearing a sweater needs to do something more than be a dog in a sweater to be funny — Hogan Torah

Don’t not be funny if you’re calling it humor

What do you call a humor story that isn’t funny?

Shit.

What do you do when you finish leaving your shit?

You flush it.

All kidding aside, the question is always “Is it funny?” When I look at my work I intended to be funny the answer is unequivocally, “Yes.” I have two dozen half-finished drafts I stopped writing because they weren’t funny.

Well glad I finally finished this. It’s not funny, but I wasn’t trying. I still don’t think it’s actually helpful but at least it says something.

Most important thing at the end of any story for me is for the reader not feeling like my story was a waste of time. And if you do feel it was a waste of time holla at me in the comments.