BUTT STUFF

I Took The Worst Shit of My Life This Morning

Can a toilet get your ass so clean it’s uncomfortable?

Through some fault of my own, I am now residing in a guest bedroom at my friend Rick’s house.

Rick is hardly lacking in space. He and his wife live in a three-floor multi-million dollar mansion on 40 acres.

What does Rick do for money?

Right now you’re using the internet to read this story. That’s him.

Rick is also a gadget freak. See this thing my hand is inside?

That’s a cordless Japanese hand massager. It’s got a bazillion settings. It’s one of many random gadgets he has in his home.

Yesterday morning I woke up and went to the bathroom for my daily constitutional. In the bathroom, I found this oddly elevated toilet seat perched atop the porcelain throne I was preparing to desecrate.

Rick had spoken of this Japanese toilet’s unique settings and features before. I sat down on the seat and felt the warm embrace of a heated toilet seat.

It was a game changer. It’s like using the bathroom after your parents as a child, minus the smell. A heated toilet seat is something I now aspire to have someday.

Next, I studied the remote but ultimately wound up cleansing my anus the old-fashioned way with the pulverized carcasses of trees.

This morning I was feeling adventurous and tried this button on the remote.

I heard whirring and winding going before a warm water jet shot up my anus.

On first contact, the stream of water was expected and welcome. Thirty seconds later I felt like I was being assaulted. The Nozzle wasn’t cleaning my butthole, but going straight up it.

I wanted to get up, but if I did The Nozzle spraying water in my ass would be spraying water on the wall.

I tolerated The Nozzle while I looked for the off button. I never found it.

See the square in the middle of the circle on the remote control? That’s supposed to be the stop button.

I waited two minutes for The Nozzle to finish its business. I had to pull the plug because that was the only way I could stop it.

“There was an emergency off switch on the side of the seat,” Rick told me after I told him how his toilet assaulted me.

“I didn’t see it,” I said.

“Next time try using the child button,” said Rick.

In the evening I had to take another dump. I finished up on the shitter of the future and pressed the child button like Rick said.

A five-year-old Honduran Child stepped out of the linen cabinet wearing a white tuxedo carrying a silver platter with a warm washcloth on top of it and made a beeline to my crotch.

A toilet can absolutely get your ass so clean it’s uncomfortable.