HIP & HAPPENING HIPSTER 12-WORD CHALLENGE
Hipster Beaten for Shit Haircut
The November 2022 Doctor Funny 12(ish) word challenge
Roanoke, VA — A local hipster has been beaten badly by his hipster friends for allegedly getting a bad haircut.
Though the area hipsters friends remain steadfast that there was no ‘allegedly’ bad haircut. They say it was a really shit haircut.
“Yeah, man, there’s nothing alleged about it. Not purported, supposed, rumored, or ostensible. The dude looked like he stuck his head in a blender and tried to get out of it by using all the matte texturing product he could find. We have an image to uphold, man. We can’t have a frado around here.”
Frado is hipster speak for a person who is arrogant, or thinks they look good when they don’t.
When asked about the beating that occurred, they didn’t deny it. They say this is typical ironic hipster behavior.
“Sure, man. While the world has gone full crazy with being kind to each other, you know we have to go the other way. We smacked that dope right out of the jazz club. I mean, he was wearing skinny jeans. Skinny pants are so 2021. That is not deck, man. Not deck at all.”
The group stood outside Con Alma, a local jazz bar that serves overly expensive craft cocktails and PBR. The apparent leader of the group sported an ironic beard and drank his “Lullaby of the Leaves” through his ironic mustache. I asked him what was in his drink.
“Oh, it’s just a bit of Thrasher’s Green spiced rum with pistachio cardamom orgeat, ginger syrup, Maggie’s Farm falernum, lemon, pineapple, Cardamaro.”
Suddenly a waft of clove cigarette blew in and I knew I wasn’t in Kansas anymore. Clove cigarettes have been banned in the US since the late 2000s.
These hipsters were so ironic that they were no longer ironic — perhaps the ultimate irony.
As the world struggles to find individuality, so do the hipsters. When it becomes hip to be a hipster, all is lost. It becomes increasingly difficult to layer irony on irony in a world full of misinformation and irony. Ironic, isn’t it?
The beaten hipster knows he should have gone with the most ironic haircut: the modern mullet with the beard. Or the drop fade/slick back or some other such nonsense. It’s almost impossible to keep up with, which is kind of the point of hipster living.
“I knew I shouldn’t have had all those craft bronsons with Trip and then gone to the newfangled barber, but I had to do something. My old-timey barber was out in Portland for the Ceremonial Matcha festival, and nobody else could trim my handlebar mustache properly.”
Translation: He drank too much hoppy beer and his barber was out of town drinking tea.
“I knew I was bonked when I left the hair stylists. Supercuts, my ass. I knew the boys would eat me for 2 AM brunch. And I was right. We had tickets to the Porridge Radio concert, and we were meeting for cocktails. They took one look at me and grabbed me by my overly-puffy red beard. They dragged me into the alley where they kicked me in the vest with their rich tobacco leather lace-up boots. My bespoke pocket watch fell out. I thought I was a goner.”
The police showed up to break up the fracas after just a few moments, saving the battered hipster from certain doom.
Unfortunately, our young hipster friend never made it to the Porridge Radio concert that night, and instead spent the evening in the emergency room. The rest of the gang spent the night in the county lockup and also missed the show. They say the band was becoming too successful anyway.
He will make a full recovery and consider a few lifestyle changes in the future, though he says women love irony.
I had to look up far too much hipster terminology to write this piece, and I am dumber for having written it. But once I had the idea and had a couple hundred words down, there was no turning back. The only way out is to walk through the hipster fire. It’s probably all wrong.
Here are the words this month. They’re getting a little more challenging as I’m not reusing old words. I think they are ripe with possibility.
— Haircut — Garbage — Shoots — Hard — Hipster — Shit — Petting Zoo Goats — Beaten — Pregnant — Janitor — Sucks — For
*Bonus word: Homeless
Tag me in your responses you ironic reprobates. I took last month off and Kristine Laco filled in for me. For all you know I’m still in her basement. Assholes.
(Kristine, I so wanted to take your challenge. I still may. But I’m complete shit at responding to prompts like that. Ironic, isn’t it? Maybe I’m a hipster writer.)
