Hi Notez: Life Changes

remeber life changes, but so do we.

Hi Notez: 3/2/24

So much has occurred over the last 3 years that I wish I documented to reflect on the transformation that has been taking place. Thankfully, I am much better at keeping this daily account of my life, so I’ll always have something to refer to when I look back.

A feeling washed over me yesterday. It was mixed with the knowing I could’ve given more over this past week and unfulfillment.

I am so thankful because ever since I began writing Hi Notez my mind has learned to assess the content through a stream of consciousness with an actionable end or at the very least, a lesson.

I’m really trying to say something here, so bear with me.

There have been so many times in my life when I let myself down. It’s one of the worst feelings for me, especially when I’m the only one who can change/ better the situation. But this time was different… I wasn’t just goofing off this week. I implemented new habits into my routine and other habits have taken a hit. And what I’m seeing, is me having a challenging time adjusting to my latest routine. I only feel this way because I see the blaring ways I could have and still can accord myself better. And I will. But one major thing I’ve come to realize is that negative emotions must be utilized as fuel unless they become poison.

And another thing, for me who used to solely judge my level of output on whether I did my best or not, “you were a silly girl.” But we’re gonna get through it.

After coming to terms with the unkind eyes I witness myself through, mostly where my effort is concerned, I was determined to change that narrative. And what better opportunity to do so than me actually reflecting on my performance over this week. What gave me the chance to exhale was immediately seeing the objective differences in my routine from last week to this one. Running longer and faster resulted in more exhaustion that my body needs rest to recover from. Getting to bed later and subsequently waking up later fit the bill as well. So it’s not an out, but I do have quantifiable reasons. I can measure this progress moving forward as I attempt to optimize my daily routine. The feeling is not pretty, but I’ve finally taken hold of the situation, which for me, is a massive step in the right direction.

Now where were we?

Oh yeah… The unfulfilled thing.

This one took a bit more digging, which means a bit more writing… First, let me say, that I have to manage my emotions on daily. I think we all do, but more often than not managing mine takes conscious effort. I’m not a “flip-out” type of person but I get extremely moody in the blink of an eye, which can appear random to the people in my environment. But I have finally moved past the point of getting caught up in the whirlwind of feelings, allowing them to consume my perception and hijack my narrative. So kudos to me. But what I was able to do yesterday, was jump over the trick hurdles my mind places in the way to deter me from getting to the source of the real issue at hand.

Usually, whenever I have an issue with myself, managing my emotions becomes a secondary task, if I can even keep it up. What my ego likes to do, is begin making other, less significant, externalities, appear as if they are the root cause of the issue when they, in fact, have nothing to do with my actual issue. And I’ve fallen for that bait so many times, I stopped keeping track. In yesterday’s case, I was first met with disgust with my performance, which I boiled down to the reasons stated above, and then an extreme amount of unfulfillment, which first appeared to me as nostalgia. Go figure right? The life I have been living for the past two years has been vastly different than the life I lived, the me I was, for my entire life before that. And my mind wanted me to base my lack of fulfillment on the challenges I face daily. But when I took an honest look at why it would direct my eyes there, I realized it was clinging to one thing and one thing only… Comfort. The instant gratification of running away from discomfort, straight into the arms of fleeting pleasures, or whatever else I could get my hand on to distract myself at the time. Once I remembered who I was to myself back then, the notion of nostalgia was put to rest.

But I wasn’t done digging and my ego wasn’t done with me either …

Next, was a lack of desire.

I’m someone who I believe was fortunate enough to follow my passion early on in my life. By going after what I found interesting, and what I desired, I taught myself how to direct my gaze on making decisions that fulfilled me. And while I say this, yes, it is also true, that I have swallowed my Truth for a long time. So long, that my ego was able to mask itself as my inner voice giving me desires that only kept me in my safe little bubble and never stretched outside of my comfort zone. Coming to live with my boyfriend and his brother was a vision I did not share. In fact, I fought tooth and nail, letting no moment go by without making him aware that this was not what I wanted for myself. But was that true? Or is the fact that I am called to rely on my capabilities and others in my environment so heavily, that I reject the thought of something good coming from this unforeseen situation? Some days, I’m not even sure. What I am sure of, is that I still struggle with accepting this as my reality, and it still isn’t the root of my unfulfillment…

But getting through those loopholes finally showed me what it was about. I miss drawing. I miss making music. I miss Being from my heart space. Life has been so practical ever since I left my family’s house, and in flying solo, I’ve dropped some of my daily routines. Ones that I never managed to note how they impacted me. Specifically, the solitude brought to me in drawing and writing songs gave me a positive outlet for expressing my very playful nature in a reality that takes work I am responsible for maintaining.

This realization gave me the understanding that I have been in a major adjustment period. One that apparently lasted for more than two years. And it took me until this morning to realize just how different I, and the lifestyle I now live, have become. It’s taken me a full two years to become aware of the fact that I am adjusting to,

• Reality • The way I perceive myself and what I am truly capable of • The way I perceive people and work with them • What currently brings me fulfillment/ joy

And,

• What I truly desire from myself/ my life

I have realized throughout all of the ups and downs I have faced over these past two years, I am learning. This allowed me to detach from needing to show up in a certain manner by a certain time. I am not seeking reprieve from my current circumstance, I am not looking to “get it right” on the first try, I am not containing my openness, only choosing to engage with things or people I desire to engage, I don’t need to be the best artist or storyteller today, I simply need to Be better.

And with this insight, today’s Hi Note is as follows,

Life is a journey of continuous adjustment, learning, and growth. Through self-reflection, and honest introspection, we navigate the highs and lows, adapting to new realities and rediscovering our passions. Embrace the process, acknowledge the challenges, and allow yourself the grace to evolve. Remember, life changes, but so do we.

I thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts of the day. Please check out the posts I have linked below!

Feel free to read more from me, you wont be disappointed! See you tomorrow!

Elevate Your Vibe. Unlock Your Potential.