“Hello, Newman.” Digging Deeper into an Infamous Greeting

The jerk store called. They’re running out of me

It’s amazing how much information can be transferred with just a couple of words. How much humor can be contained and summarized in a few syllables, and how a simple idea can snowball over time.

For my introductory piece for Brain Labs, I decided to take a deeper dive into the two lines you have probably heard even if you weren’t a fan of the show.

A week ago I wrote a piece about all the parts from Seinfeld that have stuck with me all these years. Then my friend Andrew Rodwin responded with a “Hello, Newman,” and I visualized all those times Newman appeared at Jerry’s door — neither happy to have to deal with the other. The reason for their animosity is never revealed on the show, but Jerry recognizes Newman as “pure evil.”

It’s hard to imagine, but it’s been 30 years since Newman first knocked on Jerry’s door, and almost 25 since the “Kramanium.” It’s interesting that even though the greeting “Hello, Newman” seemed funny and harsh at the time, this is actually a pretty healthy way to live.

Why fake liking someone you don’t like? Why not lay the cards on the table?

I got to thinking about how Jerry always looked like he was about to crack up when he said it — either because of how ridiculous it was to greet a person with such vitriol, or because Wayne Knight made him laugh.

But how ridiculous was it to say something that way as a greeting?

Two characters had come to a mutual agreement that they hated each other. There was no fake small talk, no happy chit chat, no pleasantries exchanged. They were two people that agreed to be mortal enemies, and that was that. I love that dynamic because, at the very least, it’s honest.

What made it funny is that we don’t treat each other that way in real life because it’s difficult. But wouldn’t we be better off if we were that honest with one another?

That’s what makes humor so interesting. You can get away with anything.

A friend and I were talking just the other day about small talk and how much we hate it. I can do a Google search for the mundane stuff. Small talk is useless to me. I suppose you could think of it as a place to start getting to know someone, but most of it is meaningless drivel and a waste of time. The purpose for small talk is to find common ground, then build from there.

But I don’t have time for that nonsense. The stuff I find most interesting is the stuff that makes people tick.

So much humor is funny because we’re so dreadfully unaware of ourselves. We don’t understand our own emotions, so we fuck everything u...I mean, up is the direction in which we fuck everything.

We are all codependent, dysfunctional, and terrified of our own shadows. That’s what makes the disdain-soaked “Hello, Newman” so funny. Because there’s no bullshit. It’s something we would never do in real life. Most of us don’t have the gumption to tell people exactly how we feel about any given situation.

As I think of it, another great sitcom, Frasier, was just as ridiculous. But what made it more ridiculous was that Frasier and his brother Niles, while both practicing psychiatrists, couldn't manage to be forthcoming to those around them. Most of the humor on the show was based on them not being able to communicate properly.

Despite being psychiatrists and experienced in the ways of the mind, many of the themes were based on a lack of clear expression. A sub-plot for the series was Niles tap-dancing around telling Daphne he loved her, and it went on for years. In every episode you witness the folly of humanity simply because we’re shit at communication. The two brothers found themselves in hilarious situations because they couldn’t tell people the truth.

Which begs the question: were they even truthful to themselves? Are we? It’s easy to look objectively from the outside of a situation. When you don’t have any skin in the game, it’s easy to judge. And it’s hilarious to watch someone address their nemesis with straight up loathing.

It’s funny to see what it looks like to see direct communication. No beating around the bush with Newman and Jerry. It was funny because of the direct confrontation of the proverbial elephant in the room.

Part of the appeal of the entire scene is that Jerry was not an actor and you could tell he had a hard time keeping his composure at times. But I’ve always appreciated knowing that someone is struggling not to laugh.

Historically, SNL was great for this. Arguably the funniest SNL scene of all time was Will Ferrell playing the cowbell on Don’t Fear The Reaper. Jimmy Fallon can barely keep it together. Another is when David Spade is close to losing it when Chris Farley is threatening him with living in a van down by the river.

So I picture Jerry opening the door and see Newman’s smirking face for the thousandth time, knowing he can’t contain it any longer. I can’t help but wonder how hard I would laugh if Wayne Knight showed up at my door.

If we all had our shit together and we could clearly communicate our wants and needs without fear, maybe nothing would be funny. If we didn’t handle things poorly, we’d have nothing to talk about. That’s the conundrum of humor, isn’t it? And even if we start to get our shit together, which we won’t, something else will fill that humorous vacuum.

Our minds are a universe of mystery. They are an enigma wrapped in a conundrum. Try as we might, we’ll keep finding weird stuff in there as we spelunk the dark crevices of each and every corner.

In the meantime, we should keep writing stories about preposterous situations and confrontations that will likely never occur in real life. It’s the unlikely nature that makes it funny.