Heartbroken — Confronting An Old Dilemma

Rising again to reaching whatever is meant to be

I can’t sleep. My heart and mind won’t allow me. They argue with each other at an unsettling speed since I lost my dream a few weeks ago.

Now, here I am, too powerless to put myself back up on my feet.

It’s a familiar pain to bear that weighs me down. It has clouded my thoughts and heart. It’s brutal because it’s present with me every minute of seemingly endless days and nights.

As if I’m crossing a desert marching towards the same horizon day after day. Blue skies, relentless sun, cracked lips.

A vibrating vison

I finally had a vision after years of searching. It was colorful, had people in it, a home, love, a man, and my heart at peace. I’ve mapped it all out on my vision board in broad strokes — a vision no one else has. Entirely mine.

Not long ago, I happily told a friend, “It starts vibrating, my board, it’s moving, it’s growing legs.”

I felt supercharged. It had motion and movement amidst the ongoing lockdowns all around the world. It felt like it was happening, as if I was happening. I must have hit the right frequency.

A brief rejection

A single world changed my entire story. Or so I thought. Someone said NO to me. A person I don’t even know. He had screened my immigration documents for proof of relationship.

He simply said “no, not enough.” Since then, I’ve lost my footing, dream, relationship, and, more importantly, myself.

I’m not sick. But I am sick and tired of a repetitive cycle. I’m tired of blaming someone else for my misery. I’m tired of taking a no for an answer. I’m tired of not feeling empowered at times when a man won’t stand up for me or for his invalidating reactions.

I’m tired of not stepping out of my comfort zone but to keep hiding behind lame excuses that others prepare for me. And I’m tired of losing sight of the wonderful woman I am.

Yes, I’ve lost a dream, I’ve lost a partner, I’ve lost my thrive to go on. I have lost myself in all of myself again.

But, I’ve experienced similar pain, the many tiny cuts that preceded this one. There have been plenty, though this one feels particularly painful.

A true emotion

When I can’t sleep at night, my mind travels back to how things were, when the world was still in “order.” When I thought I had it all; when I had myself.

It’s at night when I face my most authentic self. It’s the time when I see so clearly that my love for this man, for us, was genuine and for the life I saw myself in with him. It’s in this moment I face what I really sense.

It’s not buried under excuses that our love wasn’t this or that. That we couldn’t or wouldn’t say this or that. It’s the conscious moment when I remember to hold his hand in mine and listen to his heart pounding next to mine.

A painful insight

But, I’m caught between embracing what I had and not letting go of what no longer is. I watch myself drifting back into the worn-out memories and debate I’ve cultivated over time. That my life purpose can crumble when faced with a no! That both my sanity and happiness depend on someone else—of which I definitely know it’s not true.

Yes. I am heartbroken. And yes, I am exhausted of being confronted with my old self again. And yet, isn’t this exactly what I came into this existence for? To break from the shackles of this cycle of suffering? I’m here in this world to experience unconditional love,

a love that reverberates through time and space irrespective of a yes or a no. A love that’s the glue for any dream to finally manifest.

It’s a bond that lets me soften its edges instead of giving it up altogether. It’s the fabric that holds until eternity.

A needful rise

While I write this, tears are streaming down my face. Tears of depletion and sadness. Tears of good-bye to a course, a dream that wasn’t meant to be this way.

But maybe, it’s the dawn of something I can’t possibly know yet, the ability to dream a new story that is even more in alignment with who I am at heart.

I realize that I need to meet my own dilemma of ignoring obvious facts. Because I’ve been chasing something that was bound to burst. It didn’t come with the No! It was there before. But I was too afraid to look at it, too scared to truly claim myself while I swore I had it all the way along. Mine was there — way before I had my dream, way before I had met him. All those cuts that preceded us.

But our story reminded me to be in the world, to travel through it, and not to become too attached to the experience. To master it remains a lifelong challenge unless we seek each and every opportunity.

Yes, heartbroken. Yes, still alive. Yes, to rising again to reaching whatever is meant to be.

Thank you for reading my story.

If you are interested to read more of my writings, you may read the following one published in The Masterpiece.