Healing the mother wound
Before you can move forward, you need to let the pain she left you go.
by: E.B. Johnson
Are you reeling from a childhood spent in the shadow of a toxic woman? Although our vision of mothers is kind and loving, the mother we get can be anything but that. When your mother is a narcissist, abusive, or simply out-of-touch with reality, it creates long-term side effects for you and your body. To get things back on track, we have to be honest. Our mother left us with a deep wound and we’re responsible for the healing and peace that we’re desperate to find.
What is the mother wound?
When we look at our trauma and the challenging relationships of our childhoods, we rarely take the time to honestly and accurately assess the ties we share with our mothers. It’s understandable. In many societies, the mother is unquestionable. She is seen as the center of the family, and it’s hard to conceive of her behaving in any way that is not loving and open. That’s not everyone’s motherly experience, though. For some, the ties we share with our mothers (or lack) are toxic, and damage us for a long time to come.
In short, the mother wound is a damaging or toxic span of experiences and trauma that tie to your mother. Maybe your mother abused you. Maybe she was toxic, cruel, dismissive, or manipulative. On the reverse side of that, maybe she was absent from your life entirely. Perhaps you had a mother who abandoned you, failed to love you, or otherwise made you feel worthless.
For us to find peace in this life, we have to honestly acknowledge the relationships we share with our mothers. Rather than building her up on an impossible pedestal, we have to her as the human being that she is. Then, we can work on accepting what happened in the past. Your mother wound doesn’t have to destroy you. It doesn’t have to corrupt your relationships or the family that you want to build for yourself. Now is the time to do things differently — and you can. Make different choices, invest in deeper healing, and shift your perspective.
Signs you’re dealing with a mother wound.
Are you fighting a mother wound? Are you moving through a world with a pain you just can’t shift? When we are damaged by a toxic (or failed) relationship with our mothers, it manifests in different ways. From insecure attachment and deep emotional struggles, we have to recognize our mother wound in order to heal from it once and for all.
Feeling inadequate
One of the greatest side effects of a mother wound is feelings of inadequacy. The relationship we share with our mothers is one of the first reference points by which we learn how to see ourselves. When that mother fails to bond with us or show us affection, it can cause our child’s brain to internalize this as a personal failure. “I’m not good enough, so my mother doesn’t love me.” This perpetuates into never feeling good enough as an adult. You may even feel less loved or wanted than other members in the family.
Need for perfection
Are you someone who strives for perfection at all times? Does it come at a cost to your happiness, your wellness, or your relationships? This need for perfection can stem (in part) from a dysfunctional relationship with your mother. Was the matron in your family distant? Did she see her children as an extension of herself — thus demanding perfection and high performance? This can feed your need for perfection as an adult. Similarly, an out-of-control relationship with your mother can lead to craving control in your adult life.
Lacking acceptance
It’s hard to accept yourself when your own mother can’t accept you; especially when you feed into the narrative that the mother should be all-loving. Maybe you feel as though you never had your mother’s acceptance, and that continues in your other adult relationships (including work). You start chasing people who are unavailable and going out of your way to prove your worth. Which can actually manifest in toxic and self-sabotaging patterns that hold you back in the long-run.
Emotional struggles
There are few challenges harder than dealing with a toxic or absentee mother. Children of these mothers grow up to experience deep emotional struggles. You may have a hard time communicating emotionally with honesty and intention. You might struggle to stand up for yourself when it comes to your partners and your career. Boundaries come at a fight, and you may even confront feelings of hopelessness, depression, and anxiety.
Insecure attachment
The relationships we share with our caretakers form the baseline of how we see and approach all other relationships in our lives. When you have an uncertain relationship with your own mother, it can make you insecure in your relationship with others. Do you fear losing your mother (and anyone else you love) as the result of a simple mistake or accident? Focusing on this fear can result in insecure attachment, which is diabolical for stable relationships.
Total over-functioning
Are you someone who over-functions for others? Do you go out of your way to make everyone happy but yourself? This is a pretty common response when your mother was distant or toxic. In order to get their attention, you may have been required to impress them or go overboard. On the other end of the spectrum, if your mother’s life was out of control, you may have developed the need to protect them and shelter them. Either way, this turns into an over-functioning habit with you caring for and sheltering everyone but yourself.
How to find healing and peace.
There are steps you can take to find peace, and you can begin using them right now. While the help of a mental health expert might be necessary along the way, you can take practical action in this moment to ensure that you set yourself on the right path to peace, healing, fulfillment, and love.
1. Accept who your mother was
Before you can take a single step toward authentic healing, you need to accept who your mother was. There’s no point going in half-hearted. You’ll only get the results that you need when you take your mother off the pedestal and see her for who she really is. Stop comparing her and be honest. Did your mother hurt you? Did she give you the best of herself? Did she do everything she could to make sure that she made herself better for you and your future?
It’s time for you to accept who your mother was. That doesn’t mean you admit fault. It doesn’t mean that you label her a bad person or a “failure”. It simply means committing to see reality as it truly is. You must see your mother as a real person and stop expecting her to become the fantasy.
Start small. Look at the little flaws and the little errors in her way that are easy to confess. The more you get used to admitting that your mother was flawed, the easier it becomes to name and claim the major issues and failures that exist. Build your way up. Once you can see her as a human being, admit how she has hurt you. Look back over those moments of pain and admit to the decisions that she made and the toll they have taken on your adult life.
2. Shift your self-esteem
Low self-esteem will get us nowhere in the healing journey. We have to believe in ourselves and believe in our right to have what we want in this life. Your mother doesn’t define you. She doesn’t determine the course of your life or the value that you hold to the world. You are the person who determines that. It all sources from self-esteem. Believe in yourself and know that you are beautiful and worthy in every way. Fulfillment is still possible, and you’re deserving of it — on your own terms.
Get out of your mother’s shadow and start rebuilding your self-esteem. You are no longer beholden to her vision of the world. You don’t have to see things the way she saw things. Now is the moment to become your own person and re-envision the things you imagined for your life.
Fall in love with yourself and break away from that negative self-image your mother taught you to hold on to. Again, starting small is key here. Focus first on the things you already love about yourself. What do you love about your body? What do you like about your personality? Your talents? Wake up in the mirror and say at least 3 kind things to yourself about these things each day. As you feel more confident in your strengths, lean in and embrace your flaws. This is how you see yourself as a whole person.
3. Re-frame your perspective
Part of healing the mother wound is learning to see our mothers for what they really are. They are not infallible gods. They don’t have bigger hearts or greater wisdom than anyone else. Our mothers are human beings, and the sooner we accept that, the more realistic we can be about forgiving them. Re-framing our mother’s perspective is transformative. It’s easier to let go of someone’s mistakes when we see them as human, rather than the “benevolent” gods of our lives.
Change the way you see the world and mothers, even as you have changed the way you see yourself. Understand that it’s not devoid of love and kindness just because your mother was. It’s not any filled with any fewer opportunities for you or the life you want to manifest for yourself.
You have to take the initiative when it comes to seeing things differently, and committing to keeping that vision in the future. Actively shift yourself away from the lies and the subterfuge. Get out from beneath your expectations See the world for what it is — the good and the bad. Lift up others. Invest in good work. Intentionally experience a world that is better than the one your mother could imagine for herself. As your perspective opens up, so does love, opportunity, and everything else you need in this life.
4. Use mindful re-parenting
It’s pretty much impossible to get over a toxic parent (even a mother) unless you replace that space with someone else in your life. Our blood family is not always the family that we need. We have to learn how to become family to ourselves. It’s okay to want that matronly, supportive figure in your life. But you can be that figure for yourself. Instead of pining over someone who can never give you what you need, commit to re-parenting yourself every day.
Use mindful re-parenting to get yourself back on track. First, focus on gentler ways to recognize your emotions. Acknowledge them. See them for what they are, and then look to ways in which you can self-sooth and comfort the inner child that’s panicking. To re-parent yourself, you need not dominate or overpower. You need only love.
Come up with a re-parenting plan that works for you. First, make sure you spend some arming yourself with knowledge and education. Knowing what you’re talking about is the difference between having it all and having nothing at all. Be the parent your mother could never be. Listen to yourself. Lift yourself up. Tell yourself that it’s all going to be okay — and mean it. The more confident you are in taking that wounded child by the hand, the easier it will become to acknowledge yourself (and mean it).
5. Free your inner child
Our inner children are left scarred by the mother who cannot love them as they should be loved. Rather than moving on confidently into the future, they are left frozen and stunted in the past — quivering in a moment of fear and betrayal that they can never seem to overcome. One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is to bring this child back into themselves; welcome them into a world in which they are safe to be the loving and joyful child that they always wanted to be.
Even though it scares you, free your inner child and bring them out to heal alongside you. The child damaged by the mother wound is a child that lingers within us forever. Seek out professional help and coax that child out. Now is the moment to teach them it is safe to enjoy the world and to live in joy.
Love your inner child. Comfort them. Soothe them. Let them tell you all their stories and allow yourself to feel all that fear, and sadness, and grief. Find a professional who can comfort you through the process. It’s not always easy to open the door on our inner child, but it’s something we have to do. Incorporating your inner child enjoy our life is one of the most transformative things you will ever do. Want to reconnect with the joy your past denied you? Free your inner child and welcome them into a world that’s safe and loving.
Putting it all together…
When we aren’t loved by our mothers in the way that we should be, it can leave us with deep and lasting wounds that seriously undermine our long-term happiness. In order for us to realize the full depth and extent of actual love, we have to allow ourselves to heal and take steps toward peace. By admitting who our mothers are, we can do this. And we can forge a future that doesn’t bring us pain.
Accept who your mother was and stop looking back at who you wish she would have been. That person never existed. If you want to heal, confront what you have. Once you’ve accepted her, look to accept yourself. Increase your self-esteem and all this to be the charge that pushes you in the right direction. Re-frame your perspective. You have a right to be hurt by your mother’s behavior, and you have a responsibility to heal that hurt. It’s the only way to build a happy future. Use mindful re-parenting to adopt new calming and soothing techniques. But don’t forget to look at your attachment patterns. Has insecurity driven you to cling to the things you fear losing? Kick your attachment to the curb and open up the door to healing your mother wound.
- Cassidy J, et al. (2013). Contributions of attachment theory and research: A framework for future research, translation, and policy. ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4085672/
