Having a Shitty Wife Moment

Feeling lonely and guilty when I thought I was past all that.

Am I at a crossroads?

The last day or so, I was trying to think of what to write. I have several encounters on my journey that I could write about. I have a few articles ready to go; my take and thoughts on what I’ve experienced so far.

But my mind has wandered from those.

Do you know what it’s stuck on?

How many people read that article about me being the Adulteress Extraordinaire. And the comments. Wow the comments.

When I wrote that, I sat down to express my dismay at what I was doing. And that while he was celebrating his milestone, I was celebrating one of my own.

Some people thought I was bragging or boasting. I never meant to do that. I thought it was clear that I was a shit wife for what I was doing. I take no pride in my actions. I don’t talk to friends or a wingman, saying “look at me! I’m sleeping around and I’m proud of it!”

No. I’m not proud of it.

I thought I’d feel guilty the first time I actually touched another man in over 20 years.

But I didn’t. I felt exhilarated. Alive.

Awake. When I started going thru all these experiences and they are still happening as I seek what I am looking for, I needed a way to organize my thoughts. Hence joining Medium and sharing my thoughts.

Half falling in love with a coworker woke me up. I was scared. I was mortified by my actions. I shut down around everyone. Those around me knew something was very, very wrong but I couldn’t tell them.

I couldn’t tell my husband either. Yes, I took the coward’s way out. I should have filed for a divorce. I should have hurt him in order to save myself. I was a coward because I would have lost someone who is still important to me.

He’s not a bad man. We just don’t care about each other the way we used to. I am not a bad woman, even though some of you have called me that. I tried my best to fix what I perceived to be wrong.

What you don’t know is that I’m still trying. I didn’t give up on him or our marriage. Will we get back to where we were?

No idea. I’m not sure I want to go back. It was a prison of my own making.

I want to make something better.

Will I hit a wall on this road I’m on? Maybe. I can’t say. All I can say is I am figuring it out as I go along.

Yes, I’m a shit wife. But at least I’m honest about that to myself.

This road was not easy. Here was a pothole.