Part Four: Do I Sink or Swim in the Adultery pool?

My rebirth as a cheating wife and how I got there

Men, Men everywhere but not a one to touch

The euphoria of the attention started to wane. The reality of what I was doing started coming back and remorse and regret surged up in me. As soon as I told Richard that I wanted him to fuck me, I cheated on my husband. There was no changing that. My euphoria changed to regret.

I was trying to convince myself that I wasn’t obsessed with this idea of being with another man. It soon became the only thought going over and over in my head. Two weeks after our first sext, several people asked me if I was okay on the same afternoon. I was distracted and not thinking. I had to shut down something I didn’t understand.

It was a long weekend, so I had a day to think and overthink. Overthinking causes sadness. I didn’t want my life to be consumed by something I didn’t understand. I needed time. I set out to put my thoughts in an email. I told Richard that while I thought he was fantastic, I wasn’t ready and didn’t know if I’d ever be ready to experience anything with him. I said he needed to go on his own experience. His reply was that he understood and wished his office pal well.

I thought I was fine. I thought my journey was complete and that I only needed to deal with my cheating. I told myself that it would never happen again. I was so mad at myself for sending him that first text. Blame was my friend and it was directed all at me. Every night was spent crying and sleepless. Finally, I turned to therapy.

My therapist was amazing. She had many calls with me and told me that it wasn’t bad to feel wanted and desired.

Counselor Judy: “You’re not to blame. It takes two to be in a relationship.”

I started actively talking with my spouse about my loneliness and that I was seeing a therapist, in an effort to start healing. The talk went as many talks do, with my husband feeling attacked and defensive.

I tried to make him understand that we had problems, so I wanted to fix them to be closer with him. It took a few days but we started trying. Only a short while later in August, nothing had changed in our marriage. We were back to where we started. I felt worse than ever, longing for someone and something in my life. The therapy did accomplish something. It helped me to feel worthy. It showed me that I was in a prison of my own making and choosing. It was time to break that prison door down and step free.

My first cheating site was Gleeden. I researched sites and picked the one that seemed the most female friendly. I read the FAQs, reviews, and followed the suggestions when creating a profile. I didn’t upload any picture, made up a fun name and signed in! The initial response was staggering. I had men asking for pictures, sending me permission to view theirs, private chats, messages, and cute virtual gifts. It was amazing, exhilarating, and heady and I felt fantastic!

Late August turned into September with a flurry of chatting with men. Some were not right, as they lived too far away. I called some of them fun names, like Wolfy* and Mr. Franks*, loosely based on their usernames. I had the most amazing conversation with an older man several provinces away.

Captain* was lonely and attentive. He told me about visiting his family and caring for some sick relatives while seeing his grandchildren. He was my first erotic chat. We spoke each night, describing in great detail what we like about sex, what we would do if we met and how we would burn up hotel sheets. He was my first taste of passion in over five years. It was short lived, as he was returning home and would be even further away, so the time zones ended our chat.

Mr. Franks* was working in my city and reached out! We hit it off right away. He was professional, smart and didn’t work in the same industry as my husband (something I learned to ask right away). We started chatting madly and passionately. He was looking for a connection, just as I was.

We shared some pictures and then chatted over email as the messaging in the site was too slow. We planned to meet for the first time and walk on the weekend, as I could meet him at a local trail. This was stressful for me and I had to share my anxiety with the one person who could help, my office pal.

My pal and I kept talking even though it was hard for me to see him after what I did. We had awkward phases but we managed to come through it. I started freaking out about seeing someone for the first time and my co-worker was so concerned about my safety that he offered to be there at the park watching for me.

Part of my problem was my healthy sex drive, as it was going into overdrive due to iron pills without any relief. When I mentioned this to my pal, he offered to help me find satisfaction. We went for a drive at lunch and he tried to get me to come with his hands. Sex in cars has never worked for me, so it went as I expected it to. I didn’t come at all.

Regardless, something positive did happen, as I found myself with my hands on his cock, massaging his balls and making him come. I felt powerful, desirable and turned on. He came hard and surprised that I was able to make him come so easily with my hand. The drive back to work was full of delight. I was able to touch another man without guilt or remorse. It was what I needed to help me move forward to that first meeting.

A day later, Mr. Franks disappeared from our chat. He just stopped. Until then, he told me that I was beautiful and that he wanted me but then left me adrift. I couldn’t understand what I did wrong. My need and messages might have been too much of a demand on his time.

I gave him a million reasons why he left and only one to myself which was that he found someone better. I became convinced that this stranger saw private pictures of me and knew my personal email and last name. I didn’t know what to do. I made so many mistakes. I shut down the profile and blocked everyone I connected with so far. I waited to see if he reached back out to me but he didn’t.

I waited for the other shoe to drop. But it didn’t. Life went on like it had before.

Even better than before.

How did I make it this far? What happens next?

Check out my adventure with a new lover and his leather seats.