Have Standards, Not Expectations

The Power of Not Trying

· What happens when you “try”
· The problem with expectations
  ∘ Reduced gratitude
  ∘ Unrealistic ideals
  ∘ Process disruption
· Standards vs. Expectations
· The importance of standards
  ∘ Protection/safety
  ∘ Quality assurance
  ∘ Reliability
· How to set standards that work in your favor in 4 steps
  ∘ Step 1: A definite end
  ∘ Step 2: The reality assessment
  ∘ Step 3: Transformative relationships
  ∘ Step 4: Redefinition
· Final thoughts

I accidentally fell in love with a woman I was completely unattracted to.

She was cute, just not my type.

I’d walk straight past her in regular circumstances.

We had some weird chemistry though…

The less interest we showed each other, the closer we became.

At one point, it felt like we could communicate without words.

I liked it, but it sucked.

Our connection was supposed to be strictly business…

I’d just been assigned to run a church community and appointed her as my assistant.

My rationale was, “She’s the longest-serving member of the main church, minus me.”

It makes sense.

Before that date, we probably had around four interactions since we met — that’s four times in two and a half years.

I never told her I liked her.

It even baffled me how strongly I felt toward her after just a few months.

What bugged me most was that there were several women around who were exactly my type, but I struggled to build the same emotional connection with them.

Everything I tried failed, and that was exactly the problem.

I was trying.

I wanted my efforts to work in my favor, which created expectations — I’m sure you know how that goes.

Just take a second to think about every great advancement you made…

Would I be far off if I guessed they all involved things you didn’t “try” to achieve?

That, my friend, is the power of not trying and why you should have standards instead of expectations.

What happens when you “try”

The reason we (as a species) try dates back further than our memories can go.

Saying “It’s God’s fault” is probably more accurate than blaming it on hustle culture…

We are this way due to something called “conditioning.”

Conditioning is a form of learning.

It’s when a given stimulus becomes increasingly effective at evoking a response or when a response occurs with increasing regularity in a well-specified and stable environment.

Just think of a dog if you’re not following…

When I had my Doberman, all it took was for you to walk to his room to get his attention.

The noise he heard when you’re in there would determine his next move.

If it was his chain, he’d absolutely lose his shit, running around the house like a lunatic.

If it was his food or water bowl, he’d come sprinting toward you from wherever he was.

If it was his nail clippers, he’d hide.

Funnily enough, we humans ain’t too different…

Not that we hide from nail clippers — well, some of us don’t.

I mean, we’re conditioned.

Whether you know it or not, much of your intuition has been trained in the same way you’d teach a dog new tricks.

As a baby, you learn crying equates to needs being met.

As you got older, the word “crying” changed to “effort” — well, that’s what’s supposed to have happened.

Either way, you still expect your environment to react to your demands.

This is bad.

It’s the easiest way to be let down.

The problem with expectations

For believers, the first expectation on record was the situation in the Garden of Eden.

God was setting ground rules with Adam after placing him there.

The conditions were simple…

He and Eve were allowed to eat fruit from any tree apart from the one from the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

Sometimes, I wish I could travel back to that moment to ask God what on earth (or heaven) he was thinking when he made that rule.

In truth, I kinda know the answer….

He wanted the best for his creation.

He put effort into making everything; all he wanted was for it to go well. It’s the same thing we do with our creations. We want it to do well, so we place expectations on it (e.g., “This post will go viral”).

It’s the typical nature of creators, but it’s dangerous.

Here’s why…

Reduced gratitude

Let’s say you get the thing you want…

Your sense of gratitude is significantly reduced since you were already expecting it.

Just think of a husband who expects to come home from work to a cooked meal every day.

In his mind, checking this box is the norm, not the exception.

Gratitude doesn’t come naturally.

The same sorta thing happens with procrastinators who put things off.

They believe they’re entitled to another day, forgetting their expiry date is out of their control.

This makes it difficult to wake up feeling grateful for another day.

You’re less grateful when you get what you expect, which kills special moments for all parties involved.

Unrealistic ideals

I strongly believe we all know someone who fits at least one of these two personas:

• The person who feels life is a meritocracy — “If I just work hard then…”
• The person waiting for an opportunity to fall in their lap — “I’ve been here two years, I deserve…”

Expectations create your worldview, which constructs your belief system.

Your beliefs are what spur you into action or inaction.

Your actions won't bear fruit when expectations aren’t based on reality.

Process disruption

One of the main aspects of goal achievement is process…

There must be a period of constant development to arrive where you want to be; this means giving yourself the grace to fail.

The rigidness of expectations disrupts this period by restricting your flexibility to a known set.

For example, you don’t expect to make mistakes at work.

As a result, you play everything safe and don’t impact the business's bottom line much.

But when the odd mistake is made, your world is crumbling.

Standards vs. Expectations

To make things clear…

I’m not saying you shouldn’t make an effort…

You must make an effort to achieve anything.

But you shouldn’t “try” to achieve it since this creates expectations — the quickest way to be let down.

“But you can learn to manage expectations.”

Don’t manage them; get rid of them.

You need standards.

They are not the same thing.

A standard increases the likelihood of getting what you want. It’s a level of quality accepted as the norm.

This makes it a good reference point for all behavior.

For example, I’m currently in Ghana.

The standard for women’s beauty over here is to be hairy….

I’m not just talking about hair on the head — that’s less of a requirement.

I mean hair on ya legs, chin, arms, and chest. The more hair, the better.

According to many men I’ve spoken to and a few online sources, being a hairy woman in Ghana is beautiful.

That’s the standard, and it’s deeply baked into the tradition.

On the other hand, an expectation is a strong belief that something will happen in the future.

One is a fact (i.e., men in Ghana view hairy women as beautiful), and the other is hopeful thinking (i.e., men worldwide will accept me as I am with my hairy body).

The importance of standards

Standards create a filter.

For example, I never ended up dating the woman I fell in love with.

That’s not to say advances weren’t made…

She tried. I shut it down.

Why?

Standards.

I knew I liked everything about her internally, but I couldn’t bring myself to overlook the absence of physical attraction — this taught me I value physical and emotional attraction equally.

Accepting her advances would have been misleading.

Even though it took every ounce of willpower in my body, rejecting her advances was the best thing for us both.

That’s the essence of standards…

They reject everything that doesn’t live up to them.

It sets a clear guide for what to say “No” to.

That said, here’s a few reasons you must have standards…

Protection/safety

Having a set of standards protects all parties involved.

From a business perspective, it’s the difference between reducing accidents, preserving life, ending up in a legal dispute, or all of the above.

Generally speaking, standards serve as a safety net by preventing misleading actions.

Quality assurance

When there’s a standard in place, it sets the tone for how you show up to the world.

Someone who wants to be a best-selling author may have a standard in place to write a daily blog post consisting of a minimum of 1500 words capable of shifting people's perspectives.

This means the person would have to make a conscious effort every day to learn new perspectives and block out time to write.

Reliability

Having a clear set of standards defines what’s acceptable.

This makes everything more predictable for you, reducing your decision-making time.

It also makes things easier for those around you, giving them a clear idea of what you will accept or reject.

If they were half-decent people, they’d stop bringing or doing things you’re not likely to appreciate.

I used this to my advantage a lot as a kid.

I knew I had to do all my chores if I wanted to play out with my friends.

The standard my parents held me to was a clean house.

How to set standards that work in your favor in 4 steps

If you Google “how to create standards,” you’ll only find results telling you how to raise them.

The reason for that is simple…

You already have standards.

Whether you know it or not, they’ve been defined by your environment.

For instance, I’m a black guy from one of the worst parts of London.

Being racially profiled by police isn’t right, but it was normal.

I’m in Ghana, where most of the population is black.

The new normal is to be profiled based on how much money I could be extorted for since I don’t look like a local.

Anyway, here’s how you gain some control over the standards you set yourself…

Step 1: A definite end

“Being more disciplined” is not a definite end goal!

There’s no clear way of measuring it, which makes it a by-product of pursuing something meaningful.

You must get clear on what you want for any sorta progress to be made.

But don’t just think of what you want from where you currently stand.

Be limitless.

Your current capacity doesn't need a direct relationship with what you desire in the long term.

The more impossible yet desirable the goal is to you, the more serious you’ll be about realizing it.

Step 2: The reality assessment

Think about where you wanna go and where you are now.

How far away are you?

Don’t just say “Very,” think!

You gotta question the things you’re currently doing that you probably wouldn’t be doing as the person you wanna become.

The opposite is true too…

What aren’t you doing that you would be doing as the person you wanna become?

This isn’t to guilt trip yourself...

All you’re doing is creating awareness.

Awareness precedes change.

You wanna understand the actions you take, their origins, and whether it’s serving you since this is what’s producing your current reality.

Often, you’ll find many of your behaviors are unconsciously learned from your environment.

Having all of this data helps to identify the areas to develop in order to achieve what you want.

Step 3: Transformative relationships

Mentors only make sense after steps one and two are done.

If you skip them, you’d fall under the false impression that mentorship is about getting someone else to improve you.

No pal…

Bettering yourself is your job!

The role of a mentor is to inspire you to increase your standards by sharing insider knowledge of how they arrived where they are.

Everything else is a bonus.

You must only accept guidance from people you’d willingly trade places with.

This adds another layer of constraints.

If you can only accept guidance from someone you’d trade places with, you must be willing to research whether their values align with yours before you pull out your pen and paper to take notes from them.

What I’m saying is that what you want (e.g., fame, money, power, etc.) shouldn’t be all you consider when deciding on a mentor.

“Do we share similar values?” is a better question to ask yourself.

Do some digging into the person you want as a mentor…

Find everything they’ve shared.

Qualify their message based on whether it aligns with your ideal values.

It’s a longer process, but it will work in your favor.

Not only would you learn from a decent person, you’d also flatter them in the process.

Mentors love it when you’ve already devoured their body of work — they don’t have to repeat themselves.

Step 4: Redefinition

While receiving guidance from someone who’s achieved what you want, you’ll initially adopt their standards.

These become the rules you live by.

This is good for propelling you from where you are to an ideal scenario you wanna be in.

… But it may not be where you wanna remain.

Rising to your mentor's standards only converts their standards into your new floor.

You don’t have to stay there forever, and you shouldn’t.

The standards you adopt from mentorship are only supposed to be a higher vantage point to get a clearer idea of what’s possible.

This means you’ll have to keep redefining your standards constantly as you seek to improve.

Final thoughts

Expectations are only there to set you up for disappointment…

Stop using them!

If you wanna be happier and more fulfilled, you must set standards.

Standards serve as a filter and a reference point for what’s acceptable.

To set standards, you must:

• Define a clear end you want
• Become aware of your current standards
• Seek out transformative relationships to help you improve
• Constantly redefine your standard whenever it becomes the norm

I hope you found this insightful.

Thanks for reading!

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