A MAN’S BEST FRIEND

Have I Failed my Friend?

He helped me overcome my depression

As most of you already know, going through depression can be soul-crushing, and it’s even worse when you internalise your problems and suffer in the silence of a dark void. I was punishing myself, though in hindsight, I was just lost. It was a crisis unlike any that I have ever gone through.

The lockdowns and the Covid scare, plus all the headline-grabbing death tolls that were making rounds around the globe, didn’t also make it any easier. Nevertheless, as I walked out of my life, including a job that paid well, only a month before COVID shut the world, I decided it was time to do some soul-searching in the hope of finding myself again.

How do you find yourself, though, when you carry guilt with you, when you can’t sleep or even when you can’t remember the last time your thoughts belonged to you and weren’t held hostage by the what-ifs and the I wish I did this or that? I had to go and didn’t know where to go. However, I ended up retreating to the only place I knew I had unconditional love, where I was always welcome, so I went back home, back to my childhood home and ran to the embrace of my parents. They knew that I was depressed, and to their credit, they gave me the space I needed.

It wasn’t easy; I overheard Mom and Dad scheming to get me to open up to them. They argued about who would engage me, but Dad suggested a coin toss. When I laughed and walked into the kitchen, they hugged me. Despite that, I don’t credit my healing to my parents, friends, or anyone else. Brutus, my neighbour’s dog, became my friend and helped me overcome my demons.

It all began when Danielle, our old neighbour and her husband travelled to their daughter and grandkids who lived on the other side of the country. Although Jim and Danielle were elderly folks in their mid-70s, the healthy air of the countryside and their carefree and happy outlook on life made them look healthier and happier than any elderly folks I knew, including my parents. So, they left Brutus in our care.

The Beginning of a Friendship

To this day, I don’t know what made my father, a man who has never owned a pet all his life, suggest to Danielle that she leave Brutus to us. I thought I should ask my old man why, but I thought it best that some mysteries are better left alone. However, the first few days weren’t easy.

Every morning at precisely half past five, Brutus would wake up, run around the house, and make noise. He was a healthy and energetic Golden Retriever, and every morning, Dad and I met in the hallway. As soon as Dad saw me, he wouldn’t speak a word but make a U-turn, but before he shut his room’s door, he would, in his grumpy old voice, order me to walk the dog. And so, I did. I just didn’t know that Brutus was helping me more than I was helping him, so every morning at 5:45 a.m., Brutus and I would hit the road. We walked side by side, and the road belonged to us.

Brutus loved the walks; he would wag his tail, and for some reason, whenever I looked at him, our eyes would meet, and although I don’t know whether dogs can smile or not, Brutus smiled. I still don’t know whether the smiles were an elaborate ruse my imagination had created, but I can almost swear that Brutus smiled. And he smiled a lot. Then happened the odd thing.

I began speaking to Brutus. “Hey Brutus”, I would say, “ever had a girl of your own, buddy”? Then, I would finish the sentence by saying, “Sure you do, so tell me about her”. Sometimes, I waited for an answer, but when Brutus looked at me blankly, I would pour all my thoughts on the poor creature. I still think some of the best crazy mad solo conversations I have ever had were with my friend Brutus. Slowly, my body clock changed to Brutus’s daily morning routine, and my dad and I stopped meeting in the hallway, with both of us dragging our feet.

Then came the inevitable

We cared for Brutus for a month and a half. My depression got better, and I started to feel my old self again. My confidence returned, and I no longer had guilt suffocating me over the breakup of a fiancée or general life stuff. I continued having morning walks with my friend Brutus even when Danielle and Jim returned. Some mornings, Jim, Danielle and I would walk Brutus, and I formed an even closer bond with my parents’ neighbours. I loved these morning walks. Then life happened.

I had to move on with life, get my own place, be my own man again. But that meant leaving Brutus behind. It was inevitable. The day I was moving out, I didn’t have a lot of stuff with me. Only a suitcase and some electronics but when my taxi came, I saw Brutus looking at me from the kitchen window. Oddly, the window was open, and he didn’t move. He usually leaps from the low window whenever he sees me. Not this time, though. So I went to my friend, patted and hugged him. I am glad I did. He started to lick my hand, and I bid him farewell.

Afterwards, I would visit my parents and my friend Brutus as often as I could. However, life took a turn. I had to move to pursue a new job, so I didn’t see Brutus as often as I would like. I only saw him twice since I relocated, though my parents and Danielle kept me in the loop about my friend Brutus.

Did I let down my friend?

Marcus Junius Brutus let down his friend Julius Caesar when he joined the ranks of the assassins who would later claim the life of one of history’s glorious conquerors. However, unlike the Roman Brutus, who betrayed his friend, my friend Brutus walked with me when I was walking on a sad path, alone and confused.

Nevertheless, three years after I moved out, Danielle unexpectedly called me one afternoon. She told me my friend Brutus was very sick, and Danielle revealed to me she couldn’t stomach to see him in pain. She told me Brutus was very old. He had lost his appetite and was generally very sick. I didn’t get to say goodbye to my friend Brutus, but I did visit Danielle and Jim. They were kind enough to give me a portrait of my friend Brutus.

Everyone will miss Brutus, but he will forever be in my heart. I can still imagine walking him in the empty streets under the dim lights of streetlights.

However, I am reminded of William Blake’s quote,

“hindsight is a wonderful thing, but foresight is better….”

I didn’t have the foresight to keep up my friendship with Brutus. I took him for granted, but I take comfort that my friend is no longer in pain.

Rest easy, Brutus.