NON-ALCOHOLIC TIPS (FOR A CHANGE)

Hate Parties? Pregame Like a Pro

Curated from life’s misadventures

“What is that? Jam?”

“Dry toast is boring and hard to swallow.”

“Why? Don’t they serve food there?”

My sister stared at me like I had screwed up my cat eyeliner. She couldn’t grasp the concept of eating minutes before leaving for a social gathering. Especially, as I was headed to a fancy(ish) bar on a Wednesday night.

But what does she know? She’s a vegan.

And I’d rather cut off my right arm than give up cheese.

What I didn’t have time to explain is the direct correlation between the popularity of an eatery and the time it takes for a dish to arrive at the table. It doesn’t matter if you’re early, or if you order nachos and draught beer.

You are going to wait for 45 minutes. And it never hurts to be prepared.

Pregaming: The practice of drinking alcohol before a social gathering or event, to warm up with inexpensive ingredients, which will make you party-ready.

I can’t relate to this for two reasons. First, I’m swimming in Medium cents and can totally cough up the tab for 1+1 LIITs during happy hour.

Second, to get out of there swiftly, after feigning interest in others, making chitchat, and partaking in two group selfies, I need my wits about me.

• How are you? Fine. You don’t really care, do you?
• What’s new? Not much. I ordered a salt grinder from Amazon.
• This is so much fun! Ah, so this one isn’t phrased as a question.

In my head, I’ve reprogrammed “Pregaming” as any and all necessary preparation for an anxious introvert to get through an evening of frolic.

Bonus tip:

To stay trendy, learn the jargon but make it mean something else for you. Then wish your article goes viral and replaces the popular definition.

1. Prepare succinct answers for FAQs. I recommend flash cards.
2. Draft a list of questions yourself. So, is your boss still an egomaniac?
3. Watch a comfort movie. Get your head in a calm space.
4. Sleep well the night before. Rest is essential for survival.
5. Pick muted colors to wear. They attract less attention.
6. Create a hype playlist for the road. My go-to is Imagine Dragons.
7. Stretch at the gym. Make lighting-fast rounds of the room.
8. Create a simulation. Every time someone lies, smile.
9. Schedule to reach on time. It will mark your presence.
10. Hydrate. A sober(ish) you can remember this list.
11. Carb load. Later, order peanuts or chips. Keeps one busy.
12. Excuse yourself for another pre-planned event. A party of one.

After-party:

My best tip is to stay home. Seriously, I have the most fun by myself.

Yet, during times of heartbreak, birthdays, and cries of I-haven’t-seen-you-in-years, one might find themselves obligated to venture into the wild.

So, when your back is against the wall and you’ve run out of reasons not to make an appearance, use this list to make the event bearable for you. Remember, the goal is to endure an evening without losing your mind.

As usual, all the above tips have been tried and tested by the author.

If the night spins out of control, here are two alternative options for you:

Marsha Adams presents a psycho rap you can sing in the streets. (I plan to)

Eggs Benedict is a great hangover remedy. Grandma explains it better.