A PROGRESS REPORT

Has Online Dating Made Us Pickier?

I’ve developed an envious respect for empowered women who aren’t in any hurry

A couple of days ago I went on a coffee date arranged through a dating app. I’m not a big fan of meeting in coffee shops because alcohol is a superior social lubricant, but I’ll take it if that’s what’s on offer.

It went well, at least by my undemanding standards. We chatted for two hours, discovered numerous common interests, and shared meaningful personal anecdotes about dead parents and accomplished offspring. The eye contact was solid, and the body language was good — Annette was laughing, leaning in, and mirroring furiously.

Since I’d vowed this would be my last online date — for a while, anyway — I was pleased that it had gone well. The next day I sent a message saying I’d enjoyed meeting her, and shyly suggesting a return engagement. A few hours later I got a reply:

Hi Patrick, despite your intelligence, good looks and lovely personality, I don’t see a romantic connection here. I don’t know why not, I just don’t see specifically romantic potential. It’s not a rational decision.

The framing here is what’s known in the communications business as the “shit sandwich”.

• Start with flattery, in this case, justified because it’s true I’ve been blessed with wit, charm, and beauty.
• Follow up with the awkward bit — the “shit”, if you will — which is that for all my indisputable virtues she finds me repellent.
• Close with the comforting assurance that it’s not my fault, but hers for being insane and making such an irrational choice.

Rejection always stings but I was uninvested in the relationship so I just listened to “Someone Like You” by Adele on repeat for five hours, then thanked my date and clicked “Unmatch.”

If you’ve read my previous whine on the subject, you’ll know this isn’t the first unsuccessful outcome, although it surprised me more than most.

What’s going on here?

The ten or so dates I’ve had are a small sample size, but they’re also winnowed down from over a hundred matches and a couple of dozen chats so they should be the best of the best. And while I don’t expect immediate, unadulterated adoration from every woman I meet, I’m sensing a trend.

Maybe it’s just a bruised ego, but I wonder if a single caffeinated gabfest is sufficient to establish a connection. Most of the longer-term relationships I’ve known have been based on hours of getting-to-know-you chit-chat before the unleashing of the regenerative organs.

Has the online dating era's surfeit of greener grass opportunities made us pickier than previous generations? Do we give up more easily?

Once upon a time, you married the peasant next door or your cousin or Eleanor of Aquitaine, and you were hitched until one of you died of the plague. Nowadays, a bottomless bucket of potential procreative partners is just a Wi-Fi connection away, and the next swipe could reveal Prince or Princess Charming.

Indeed, studies suggest that electronic matchmaking promotes fickleness, with women being fickler than men. And it’s not surprising, as they have far more sexual choices available to them than most men who aren’t Ryan Gosling. You rarely hear men complain about the unsolicited v-pics they’ve been receiving online.

Older women may be especially finicky

I’m casting my line, mostly figuratively, into a pool of dating candidates typically from the forties to the sixties (age, not birth year). My impression is that — to their great credit — a lot of women in this bracket have gone through marriages and kids and careers and they’re happy just to chill. Having a man around might be a bonus but might equally be a pain in the ass, so they’re going to be selective.

An example

A delightful MILF of my acquaintance — she preferred the term “MILF” vs “woman” or “lady”, so keep your judgment out of my comments — broke up with her last three man-friends for the following reasons:

• His neck smelled funny when she nuzzled it
• He expressed a desire to be buried next to his mother (after death)
• She didn’t feel sexy with him, although that had nothing to do with his behaviour it just was

No cheating or drug addiction, just the kind of foibles that would once have powered a Seinfeld episode. But she knows what she wants and doesn’t want, and more power to her.

What am I learning from this?

Firstly, I’d rather be ghosted after sex than before.

More importantly, I’ve developed an envious respect for empowered women who aren’t in any hurry. There’s probably something I could adapt to my own life there, although I almost certainly won’t. Patience, that’s the thing I need to learn, and I need to do it immediately, dammit.

Until that happens I plan to eschew the apps and adopt a more spiritual strategy involving the purchase of a large box of condoms, in an “if you build it, they will come” approach.

No doubt the universe will respond approvingly. I will of course keep you all posted, whether you like it or not.