INTERPRETATION OF HANUAKA FROM THE TORAH
Hanukah is the Worst Jewish Holiday
The second great temple was destroyed but this candle lasted a long time so yay.
Smokey Robinson was in the news last year for a Cameo he did. Cameo is the platform that allows people with too much money to pay their favorite washed up and or desperate for money celebrities to record a custom video message. The request was to wish Jeff and Jarred’s mother a happy Hanukah. Only they spelled it Chanukah.
It would be nice if every mistake I made was as wholesome as this. He’s a little confused but he’s got the spirit.
The Jewish community’s reaction to Smokey Robinson’s botched Cameo was hysterical laughter. We’re not insulted by people making fun of us intentionally or unintentionally. Jews get humor.
Smokey was not familiar with the spelling of Hanukah beginning with a C. Chanukah. Which spelling is correct? Both and neither. Hanukah starts with חֲ in Hebrew. It’s pronounced like a person clearing their throat. There’s no corresponding letters or letters for חֲ in English. Spell it either way.
Anyway you spell it, Hanukah is a half-baked holiday.
Hanukah celebrates two non-miracles. One being the Jews second attempt at a too-big-to-be destroyed temple being destroyed, and a candle lasting a long time.
Technically were celebrating the reclaiming of the second Great Temple from the Romans who had been using it for almost a hundred years to sacrifice pigs because the Romans are dicks. The Jews successfully drove the Romans from the temple. But the battle destroyed it. Again.
“They broke all of our shit and defiled all the holy olive oil we had to put in our holy lamps that they stole.”
“What the fuck you expect they’ve only had the thing for 100 years. Hey! I found one lamp they didn’t break or steal!”
“I found one thing left of magic Jew olive oil made by deaf cantors from circumcised olives! But there’s only enough oil for one day! If the eternal flame stops burning, we’re going to lose some war that I’m not even getting into!”
“We need to make some more ultra-virgin ultra-orthodox olive oil!”
“We can’t! We killed a bunch of dudes while reclaiming this building dedicated to god so we’re impure for like a week.”
“Use what we have, one day is better than none. But the existence of the Jewish people depends on this one lamp staying lit, yet somehow here we are.”
“Holy shit! How the fuck is oil still going? Don’t tell me you made more oil or used oil besides the holy olive oil. god will murder our first born if we don’t use the right oil in that lamp.”
“You never told me that! But Nope! Same oil. Been here the whole time. Yup! Must be a miracle or something. I don’t know I wasn’t really paying attention.”
“Then it’s a miracle! Fuck yes! The chosen people we are indeed! Let’s make a holiday where people light candles and eat fried food to celebrate!”
Hanukah was always a shit holiday. Things had been rough for the Jews the previous 500 years and we needed a win. Later Hanukah would help Jews who married Christians keep the Jewish culture alive by providing their young and easily swayed materialistic children with eight nights of presents that came before Christmas.
I always wanted a Christmas tree as a kid. You put stuff on them and presents appear under it. On Christmas morning I’d still go check the living room in case Santa fucked up and delivered toys on accident. I suggested to my mom that if we put up a tree and lights as a decoy, we could get free stuff. She told me Santa wasn’t real and no way. My family are reform Jews but not that reformed.
There are thousands of Christmas songs. There’s one Hanukah song and it’s fucking terrible. Adam Sandler? That song sucks and no one knows who those people are anymore. It’s a song about a dreidel. You probably had to sing it at school.
Dreidel was the game we pretended to play when the Romans raided our temples to make sure we weren’t praying.
“What are you guys doing?”
“Just gambling like our oppressive heathen overlords like!”
“How do you play?”
“Oh it’s awesome. If it lands on the thing with the limp dick, you get everything. If lands on the guy with the hard dick you lose. If it lands on the menorah, you win half. If it lands on the upside-down U you lose double. Want to Try?”
“Sounds stupid.”
“Zissele, you have no idea.”
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So to my Jews, Happy Hanukah however you prefer spelling it. To my Muslim readers I’m sorry I’ve never written any Ramadan jokes. And to Christians, we make Christmas shows terrible on purpose but we’re not supposed to tell you. Because we’re the chosen ones, not you.