Michael Jackson’s Doctor Wouldn’t Give Me Dick Pills
I talked to my doctor about erectile dysfunction and all she gave me was a dirty look.
Choosing a primary care physician is serious business. I worked for Blue Cross of California for four years as a claims processor. Being a healthcare insider I learned a few tricks.
If you need to see a doctor today, choose a primary physician with an impossible to pronounce name. Dr. Goldfarb can’t see you for three weeks, but Dr. Obladeskeuoso can see you as soon as you get here.
But if you need a prescription for anything beyond antibiotics, you need to wait for Dr. Goldfarb. Because you tell Dr. Obladeskeuoso that you’re having trouble sleeping and you will walk out of there with a prescription for Amitriptyline, Gabapentin, and the latest antipsychotic from which ever drug rep the doctor saw this week that had the biggest tits. Dr. Goldfarb knows .5 mg of Xanax before bed won’t turn you into a junkie.
All I know is I prefer male doctors. It has nothing to do with competency or me being modest. I’ve just had some odd experiences.
I could tell you about the pediatrician I was forced to see when I was 17 and 7/8th old.
I drove myself to my new pediatrician's office after I got off work. Read the last sentence and tell me again why a pediatrician? Thanks mom.
I get into the exam room and this 50-something blonde woman is my doctor. She says to take my shirt off and open my pants. Sure.
“So, I see you work out…” She said while she checked my testicles for cancer with a broad and non-specific ball fondling motion.
At first I was like, “An adult is touching me!” Then I was like, “A hot mature professional woman is fondling my balls!” Pretty sure after 30 seconds it’s fondling, but it was my first “Dear Penthouse,” moment. Except for after she finished stroking my sack I put on my pants and left. But she gave me a lollipop and by lollipop I mean a root beer Dum-Dum.
The real story is when I needed to see a doctor after I had moved to Orange County. There were no Dr. Obladeskeuoso in the OC. But I did find a Dr. Thao Nguyen. I didn’t know if Thao Nguyen was a man or a woman but what mattered was they could see me that morning.
Dr. Nguyen turned out to be 30 year old Vietnamese woman who I found out later was one of the doctors treating Michael Jackson and was questioned in Dr. Murray’s wrongful death trial.
“What brings you in today.” She asked.
“I need an STD test.”
“Why do you think you need an STD check?”
“Uh… Well, I’m 32. I’m single, but dating, and not a huge fan of condoms.”
“Why don’t you wear condoms?
“Are you really ask…? Ok you are. I know the average person has sex for 10 minutes but I’m more of a motion picture kind of guy. After the 45 minute mark I start to get out of breath and I’ll sometimes lose focus. And when that happens you have to play amateur gynecologist to retrieve the rubber so I prefer rawdogging.”
She glared at me.
“I think some erectile meds might help, I’ve tried Viagra before once and I had no problem…”
“I’m not prescribing anything but I’m referring you to a sex counselor. It’s not normal not to climax after that long.”
“I don’t think that’s necessary…”
“I see you indicated you’re having trouble sleeping. Why don’t you sleep?”
“Sometimes I can’t quiet my brain. I’ve tried Ambien before and it really..”
“Drink a glass of warm soy milk.”
“Warm soy milk?”
“Or count sheep”
“But I’ve tried…”
“Keep counting.” she said as she brought out the world’s largest wooden Q-tip and prepped it to shove up my dick hole.
Let me tell you how weird it is being treated by a doctor younger than you are for the first time. Pretty weird.
This doctor was my age, female, cute, tiny, had a DEA number and a kinda bitch. AKA my dream woman. Though she was holding my cock, the cotton swab she had a half mile up my dick hole soured the moment.
“What’s this discharge at the…?” She and I both realized what it was at the same moment. I had sex the night before and never showered. Whoops.
She turned bright red. Not from embarrassment but from anger. I had never heard of a patient being kicked out of an HMO but two months later when I tried to make an appointment Dr. Ng office informed me that I was no longer their patient. I’ve stuck with male PCP’s ever since.
Oh and my tests came back clean.
Yeet.