BJ’S THIS OR THAT | GREEN GRUB

Green Foods I Can Eat Every Now and Then

But my favorite comes around just once a year

Oh, Keeley Schroder. What are you doing to me? You’ve asked for a list of healthy as fuck green foods I enjoy. Note to Keeley: I said enjoy, not eat every day. Yeah, I’m breaking all the rules. I’m an OG rule-breaking mofo from back in the day. I was always smoking in the boy’s room in school. I don’t need no stinking badge. I never took the road less traveled. You get the picture. I’m the damn rebel James Dean hoped he could be.

I’m getting off track here. So let me suck down my green-ass Shamrock Shake and start wordsmithing.

Avocados

I like avocados, just not them naked green fuckers. My avocados taste best with onion, tomatoes, cilantro (look at that, another green food), jalapeno, garlic, lime, and salt. In other words, guacamole. But without cilantro. It might be a welcome addition to guac, but I think it tastes like dirt.

I’ve tried avocado toast. It’s a complete waste of toast, salt, and pepper. So pass the damn guac and chips. I have some green beer I don’t want to waste.

Lettuce

I love a good salad. And like guacamole, it’s got more green shit in it, like cucumbers and bell peppers. Add some tomatoes, boiled eggs, carrots, and croutons; you have a winner.

The best green salad I’ve had comes from Texas Roadhouse. I’m not a paid spokesperson, but I’d work there just for the salad with their creamy Italian dressing. Throw in their homemade (or not) buns and cinnamon butter, and I’m good. If you’ve tried it, you know what I mean.

Oh, and none of this bullshit iceberg lettuce. It’s gotta be romaine lettuce.

Cucumbers

Yeah. I’m mentioning cukes again. Did you know you can make a sandwich with white bread (the unhealthy carb and sugar-loaded kind), cucumber, butter, and a little bit of salt? That’s probably a sandwich from the depression era. Yeah, it’s not these fancy-ass tea sandwiches without crust. It’s a meaty (pardon the pun) sammy full of sliced cukes and butter, baby.

Cabbage

If you’ve never had kimchi, you should give it a try. And you can make kimchi using more than the traditional Napa cabbage. Cucumbers, for instance. Both are tasty and, depending on the heat level, will give you a little burn on the way down.

Bonus fact: According to WebMD, kimchi is healthy AF. It’s full of beta-carotene and other antioxidant compounds that can help reduce the risk of serious health conditions such as stroke, cancer, diabetes, and heart disease.

You can also make quick cucumber kimchi that doesn’t need to be fermented in a clay pot and buried in the backyard for six months. A Korean restaurant in a neighboring town adds a small side of cucumber kimchi to their main entrees. The cucumber is crisp and sweet, with a little bite of heat from the gochugaru (Korean red pepper flakes).

Cooking class is over.

Key Lime THC chews

It’s not food. So what? These gummies are sweet and tart and will ease your pain, anxiety, or whatever the fuck ails you. I have some permanent injuries courtesy of Uncle Sam. What used to alleviate my pain doesn’t work as I get older. So my son-in-law turned me on to Southie Adams Key Lime gummies. For a damned interloper into my family, he’s alright.

Shamrock Shake

How can you not love a green mint shake from McDonald’s? Fortunately, it’s not soft-serve ice cream. Try finding a McD’s in the country where that machine actually works.

The shake is green and minty, and like any frozen treat, it will cause a damn headache (eye ache?) if you wolf it down too fast. Go slow and enjoy. That said, the shamrock shake is like corned beef and cabbage. It’s good once a year. So don’t overdo it.

In closing, let me say this to BJ. Olives? Olives!? I’d rather kiss the Hulk’s green ass at the intersection of Loop 360 and MoPac in Austin.

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