Greek Myths Rewritten For Modern Times

If Homer were a hipster the stories would be different

Athena leans in

Athena prides herself on her weaving abilities. When Arachne, a mere mortal, claims to be the better weaver, Athena takes that as a challenge. Athena is shocked when the human is superior. For a moment Athena considers changing Arachne into a spider for some good old-fashioned ironic punishment.

Then she remembers that women are often taught to compete against other women instead being supportive. So the goddess of wisdom congratulates Arachne and the two become great friends and business partners who use their skills to disrupt the male-dominated tapestry industry.

Hera deals with Zeus

Realizing that her husband’s victims are not to blame for his’ actions, Hera decides she is not going to destroy them. She gathers the women together and they produce a piece of investigative journalism that goes viral throughout the Greek world.

Zeus is forced to resign as the head of Mt. Olympus and Hera takes his place. Learning from past mistakes, she creates guidelines to keep powerful gods from taking advantage of those who worship them. Hestia takes on the role of HR manager as well as seeing to her beloved hearth.

The golden apple contest

Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite raise their voices above each other, promising Paris different rewards if he names them the most beautiful. Suddenly Aphrodite has a revelation and tells the other women to stop.

“We are fighting over a golden apple! Why would we destroy our friendship just to get external validation of our beauty. That’s dumb.” The other two nod in agreement. Then they go off together for a day of self-care and bonding. Because of this Helen isn’t given to Paris and Troy does not fall.

Medea embraces divorce

Medea decides to let her husband marry the princess without a fight. He never supported her goals anyway. She acquires a great lawyer to manage the divorce settlement.

With split custody, child support payments, and ownership of the Argo, Medea is secure. But she wants a community. She starts a blog chronicling her adventures, breaking the stigma that divorced women are somehow ruined. She gets to see her sons (who she did not kill) every other week.

Artemis releases the social media hounds

An angry Artemis discovers Actaeon is spying on her while she baths. She quickly snaps a photo of him and posts the pic of the peeping Tom on her popular Twitter account. Actaeon is doxed and duly ripped apart not by his hounds, but by public opinion.

Want more exclusive content? Sign up for Guffaw, my newsletter, to get extra humor, doodles, and announcements delivered straight to your inbox.