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Abstract

to tell others why someone is setting you on edge, it often sounds so trivial. As the words are coming out of your mouth, you find yourself thinking, “Wow, I probably sound super paranoid.”</p><p id="2b40">So, instead of going with your gut, you tell yourself the innocent explanation must be the correct one. You keep going along with it.</p><p id="2666">All those pink flags only start looking red once you’ve seen enough of them — <b>once you’ve noticed a clear pattern emerging.</b></p><p id="a47d">Depending on how experienced you are at dealing with people’s shit and how overt the asshole you’re dealing with is, it could take hours, days, months, or years before you piece it all together.</p><p id="619a">Recently, I had someone reach out to me who gave me kind of weird vibes. I felt like he was laying the groundwork for something (what exactly, I don’t know, but something).</p><p id="dc34">First, he reached out with some effusive praise on one of my articles. But he did it as a private message, not as a regular response.</p><p id="6e44">That made me a bit ill at ease. But I had a hard time really understanding why. I mean, private messages are a thing, and he didn’t say anything off color in it.</p><p id="a878">The private messages kept coming. I ignored them (can’t clap on private messages and I had nothing to say), but had the same odd feeling that I couldn’t fully explain.</p><p id="0ced">Eventually, he gave me some effusive praise and I thanked him. He responded within an hour asking if we could talk off Medium. Ostensibly, it was so we didn’t have to deal with the character limit (though there would have been none if he had just sent me regular responses).</p><p id="75b2">I decided to check out some of his stuff. The first thing that stood out was a very misogynistic article. And then I came across not one but two love letters he wrote to an unnamed Medium writer, each of them with a strong stalker vibe. (I don’t know if they were about me or not, but either way, they were creepy.)</p><p id="b8fb">When I told him I didn’t want to move my relationships with my readers off Medium, he made up an excuse and backpedaled. He claimed he was a professional sex coach and only wanted to offer me some advice about my clitoris.</p><p id="d078">Then, before the day was over, he went back to a post I wrote weeks before called <a href="https://readmedium.com/no-one-owes-you-a-chance-bef1a3ac4072">No One Owes You a Chance</a>. He left a lengthy response that implied that women who don’t give him a chance (e.g. me, just earlier) are bitter, angry, heartless bitches.</p><p id="9b52"><b>Yeah, his intentions were <i>totally </i>professional…</b></p><p id="fe6b">At that point, I cut communication with him before he could try to take things further. I blocked him. He deleted his response. And I hope that’ll be the last of it.</p><p id="0089">Now, given everything I know now — especially those super stalkery posts — it’s clear to me that the private messaging was a red flag. It’s also clear that asking to communicate off Medium is a bit of a red flag here. It’s quite likely he was laying the groundwork for something.</p><p id="a8c5" type="7">But up until that point, each of those individual actions seemed kind of innocent. Pink flags at best.</p><p id="682a">And that’s another way women “ignore” red flags — because each of them on their own doesn’t look that bad.</p><h1 id="3135">“Not All Men” Men Need to Sit the Fuck Down</h1><p id="f59f">There’s one more reason women ignore red flags. <b>We’re constantly being told we should.</b></p><p id="ec92">One big part of the problem is all the men who cry out “Not All Men” whenever women discuss the shit they deal with.</p><p id="c488">We have a lot of reasons for sharing our stories — it’s cathartic, it’s healing, and it helps us bond and understand each other.</p><p id="640e" type="7">It’s also a way of issuing warnings.</p><p id="2010">It’s because we share our bad experiences that we know about fuckboys and how to spot them. Or what to do if our boyfriend turns out to be a narcissist. Or that “Nice Guys” often have a total disregard

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for our sexual consent.</p><p id="02c9"><b>That shit’s fucking critical.</b></p><p id="4234">I didn’t have those kinds of conversations when I was younger and I didn’t have access to them online. So, I ended up in some risky situations, or got too close to guys who deep down did not give a shit about me, because I was figuring it all out on my own.</p><p id="8542">But now when we finally share our stories so that we can show each other (and clue some guys in) the red flags and pink flags we need to be mindful of, we keep hearing from men who are annoyed that we’re painting them with a broad brush.</p><p id="3147">Sometimes they don’t say “not all men.” Sometimes, they say that we should give guys a chance even if we feel weird. Sometimes, they say it’s not fair that they get treated like potential rapists just because they were being really forward because damnit they mean well.</p><p id="9486"><b>But in the end, what they’re doing is telling us not to trust our instincts. </b>They’re telling us that we need to give men the benefit of the doubt. They’re telling us to set aside our gut feelings because following them might mean we’re judging a decent guy too harshly.</p><p id="a9f5" type="7">And that’s one of the reasons women ignore red flags — because we’re constantly told we should, even when protecting men’s egos puts us at more serious risk.</p><p id="440e">I’m sure it sucks being treated with suspicion, but there’s a reason we have to be suspicious even if it has nothing to do with you personally. Those guards she’s putting up — the ones that make it trickier for you to interact with her — <b>they might be the only thing keeping her from being abused or having the worst night of her life.</b></p><p id="0515">So if you ever feel like a woman is unfairly treating you like a potential threat, understand that she has to put her safety first. <b>She deserves your empathy, not your contempt.</b></p><p id="cbb2"><a href="https://emmaaustin.substack.com/p/welcome-to-my-newsletter"><b><i>Let’s keep in touch! Sign up for my weekly newsletter</i></b></a><b><i> (I won’t send you anything without your enthusiastic consent!)</i></b></p><p id="0320"><b>❤ If you liked this post, you might also love:</b></p><div id="c7dc" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-real-reason-shes-not-being-honest-with-you-76ebab3ff50c"> <div> <div> <h2>The Real Reason She’s Not Being Honest With You</h2> <div><h3>She wants to be straightforward — it’s just not safe</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*5gk1jvdsTLP_qzsFVPr3tg.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="17a8" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/men-hitting-on-women-online-need-to-up-their-game-8c077ca48fc"> <div> <div> <h2>Men Hitting on Women Online Need to Up Their Game</h2> <div><h3>It’s not hard — here’s how to do it</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*M_wLC7GCweb2S5mI8TLexw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="0e7a" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/signs-your-new-boyfriend-might-be-a-narcissist-e55b2e6d7e2b"> <div> <div> <h2>Signs Your New Boyfriend Might Be a Narcissist</h2> <div><h3>After years of narcissistic abuse, I’m on the lookout for red flags</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*xekbc_KPuOOC_xD8maW9Kw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

FOCUSING ON SELF

Greatest Love of All

Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all

I first wrote about this song on my blog in May 2020, and since I am now on a journey of self-discovery, this song came to mind again. It’s time to use the lyrics again, as it fits in with what I am (re-)learning about myself.

I’m talking about the song, Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston. Some people find this song too sweet, but for me that is not the case, and it shares an important message. Using the lyrics, I want to share a bit more about myself and my life.

I believe the children are our future Teach them well and let them lead the way Show them all the beauty they possess inside Give them a sense of pride To make it easier Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be

Towards the end of the first lockdown in 2020, I visited my son, keeping social distancing in mind. I hadn’t seen him for two months, and I missed him. I wanted to know he was okay, since the social distancing was hard on him, and he longed to return to work. He was perfectly okay, in love, and everything about him told me he was happy.

That day, he was also in a reflecting mood. He told me about the talks he had with that young woman, as they got to know each other better.

“Mom, do you remember what you always told me, even through my darkest times?”

I did, as I had this mantra I always repeated to him, not only for him, but also for me. Before I could answer, he continued.

“You always said it will be okay. Told me I am stronger than I give myself credit for.”

He was quiet for a while, and I was swallowing hard to get the lump from my throat.

“Well,” he said, “I think you were right all along. I wouldn’t have come through everything if I wasn’t strong. Thank you for believing in me. I only now see how much those words helped me, even though I didn’t believe them.”

By then I had to look away, so he couldn’t see the tears forming in my eyes. Not that I am ashamed to cry in front of him, but that was just such a special moment. (Now, fifteen months later, and with that relationship turning out to be genuine horror, I’m repeating the same mantra, and reminding him he got through it once, and can do it again.)

I look at the words in that verse from the song, and yes, I know I have shown him the beauty — and strength — he possesses inside. I gave him a sense of pride.

Not only him but also our daughters. Our oldest — my biological daughter — always was a sunshine child, and a person who knew what she wanted from life, and she lives her life according to the proper values. She’s strong. Super strong, and a brilliant mom, wife, and daughter.

Our youngest daughter — my bonus child from another mom — has a bubbly personality (another sunshine child), and one who knows even better what she wants from life. In her case, it was nurture that got her where she is now, not nature.

I believe children are our future, and if we don’t support them, don’t give them that sense of pride, don’t let them see their own beauty, their own strength, then this earth is doomed.

Everybody’s searching for a hero People need someone to look up to I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs A lonely place to be And so I learned to depend on me

My mom was my hero; my husband still is. There were others along the way, but they all fell from the pedestals I had briefly put them on. This is not only something of now, but has been a red thread throughout my life. So many times there were people I looked up to, only to be disappointed by them, or as the song says, find they didn’t fulfill my needs.

Things that happened in my life have taught me I have to depend on myself, that I shouldn’t look for a hero outside of myself. I look back on my life and see I have always done ‘my thing’. I don’t find this a lonely place to be.

How does my husband fit in with this as a ‘hero’ and with me depending on myself? He supports me in everything I do, which makes depending on myself also depending on him. See, he is my hero.

I decided long ago never to walk in anyone’s shadows If I fail, if I succeed At least I’ll live as I believe No matter what they take from me They can’t take away my dignity

That first sentence doesn’t ring true for me all the time, as I have walked in many people’s shadows during my life. This never brought me happiness. I also don’t want others to walk in my shadow. All I want is to do my own thing, with respect for all people around me.

I think what happens time and time again is that I come full circle from not walking in anyone’s shadow, to doing it, and getting back to not doing it. And each time I step out of the shadow of someone else, and get back to ‘doing my thing’, get back to my own values of love, respect and peace, I realize: No matter what they take from me, they can’t take away my dignity.

I keep on believing in the good of everyone out there, trusting people until they prove me wrong. It just seems that I have to bump my head repeatedly, and each time I do, I grow stronger, and come back to living as I believe.

During my coaching sessions, I’m learning not to continuously go around in that circle.

Because the greatest love of all is happening to me I found the greatest love of all inside of me The greatest love of all is easy to achieve Learning to love yourself It is the greatest love of all

I know that it’s always said that if you can’t love yourself, how can you expect others to do so, but as a wise person pointed out, for some it’s difficult to love themselves. I have my days too, where I don’t love myself, but mostly I am in the privileged position to have found the love inside of me.

The love is not only for me. I spread it around, because I believe in spreading the good things; in paying it forward. My mom was like that, always helping others, always willing to listen, to support, and it’s something I have inherited from her, whether it’s because of leading by example, or it being part of my character.

Sometimes this is a lonely place to be. People don’t always believe in good intentions. One thing I have noticed is it seems to be part of human nature to see the negative, rather than the positive, to be jealous of what we don’t have, instead of grateful for what we do. I try to remind myself over and over of the things I am grateful for: my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, my life.

And where negativity can gravely upset me, I look deep inside myself and, remind myself of who I am, and find my strength in love.

And if, by chance, that special place That you’ve been dreaming of Leads you to a lonely place Find your strength in love

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Canon in D, Pachelbel

Anything was better than looking at the coffin…

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