SATIRE
Grandma Smillew, Gift Yourself a Break
Reinvigorate yourself with a short stay in a nursing home
Grandma, I have yet to meet you in person, remember last week you stood me up for a coffee catch-up at Denny’s in Anaheim? You opted to take your nefarious grandson Smillew Rahcuef to Disneyland instead and all I got was an apology letter in the post (it arrived today mind you, I appreciate you paying extra for USPS international express, your pension pennies are sacrosanct after all).
I can’t help but notice your publication, aptly titled Grandma Power, isn’t the old cog in the wheel it once was. While Smillew casts his net of mansplaining influence far and wide on Medium, you cheer him on from the virtual stands, deep down I know you want to steal his thunder and re-assert your matriarchal dominance.
Patriarchy sickens you after all, it was the reason you created your own online broadsheet, to remind the uneducated who wear the pants in life -
Why is the publication called Grandma Power, then? Because, as grandpas know very well, grandmas have the power!
You need to get your power back Grandma, and I have just the ticket for you. A short stay in a well-respected nursing home is the key to unlocking your true potential on Medium.
With a ratio of approximately 10:1 in favor of grannies over granddads, you can be assured you’ll be housed within walking-stick distance of like-minded female centenarians also wishing to conquer the literary world and bask in the glow of their ‘Indian Summer’.
Imagine the potential collabs with these forgotten dames, you could spark a renaissance of content creation not seen since the first season of Golden Girls, harnessing the untapped thought bubbles of your kindred spirits, exchanging story ideas after bedtime at 7 PM via MSN Messenger on your Apple Macintosh 128K.
A two-week respite stay should suffice, and although family visitor days are on a Sunday (and Smillew will undoubtedly use this to his advantage in gaslighting you back to subordinacy), you can always feign a few symptoms of COVID and trigger a facility-wide lockdown - barring entry to any posterchild of the patriarchal movement.
Yes, people like me who work in the said facility will be forced to wear N95 masks that suction our faces and leave us breathless when we’re trying to chase you down in full PPE as you best grandpas in Zimmerman frame races, but that’s merely a small price to pay in a forthcoming revolution, Grandma.
Anyhow have a think about it and get back to me. I’ll continue to check my local post office and eagerly await the moment I get to use my new Asuka electric letter-opener to read your response.
Love and air kisses, Edward.
DISCLAIMER: I have no real idea of who these two influencers really are but their names humored me so I wrote something that nobody will ever really read.