The Smillew Writers Challenge

Getting Down and Dirty with Muddy Undies

For full philosophic, literary, artistic, and ecological self-expression

You haven’t lived till you’ve muddied your undies.

Isn’t that what life is for? Having the kind of adventures we can’t wait to talk about, and/or that leave tell-tale evidence we can get all meta about.

In other words, where would philosophy be without muddy undies?

Would Descartes be able to descant about Cartesian Dualism if he hadn’t slogged about in bogs various, up to his arse in swampy Dutch bottomlands? Or coined the famous refrain, I wallow, therefore I am?

Where would gothic Southern Literature be if Caddy hadn’t shimmied up that tree to sneak a peek at Granny’s funeral in The Sound and the Fury? Dare I say without those good ole southern boys staring up at her muddy drawers there would be nary a squeak, nor much of a charge.

And hardly a motif with which to assign graduate-level English students 5K word essays about.

Good clean fun will only get you so far.

If you want to make memories, have a decent reason to write a memoir, or go down in history, philosophy, or literature, ya gotta muddy your undies. At least every now and again.

After all, what is mud?

If material existence is made of four essential elements, mud contains half of them. The perfect admixture of earth and water make mud.

Most of the time, mud’s nature is playful. If it weren’t, this pub would not be called MuddyUm, right?

Not only that muddy is urban slang for wonderful. And so we are!

And so is mud, to our adventure-seeking, squishy-feeling loving barefoot summer toes. Once we’ve sampled the slippery sensations with the souls of our feet, it’s time to get down and dirty with the boot of our butts.

There’s a line in one of my favorite Aussie movies, Strictly Ballroom, that says, a life lived in fear is a life half lived. This is also true of a life lived without ever getting dirty. And my guess is a life lived without ever getting dirty is a life lived in fear.

Some of the best dances are dirty dances, according to another one of my favorite movies, Dirty Dancing. After all, you can only take so much staid waltzing and foxtrotting before getting the urge to bump and grind.

But not all dirty is sexy.

Some of it is just plain muddy.

The place where atoms of silicon, hydrogen, and oxygen meet and greet and do their thing. Come to think of it, this mud-making on the atomic level might be a version of bumping and grinding.

My photons meet your neutrons and raise you three electrons. Yearning and burning in a neutron dance as the Pointer Sisters so musically pointed out.

Which brings up another question, why is white the go-to color for underwear, since it stains so easily?

Why White?

According to Barbara Jordan, former Senior Environmental Scientist at Kleinfelder (1988–2009), there’s two reasons:

First, you can bleach your tighty whities, which not only removes stains but disinfects, killing any lingering bacteria. And given the body parts undies cover, and how bacteria like moist warm places, this is a match made in our nether regions.

The second reason is dying underwear adds to the cost. Cotton is white, have you noticed? Most natural fibers are light in color.

Since these garments were made for practical considerations of warmth and hygiene, worn under outerwear, and hopefully changed daily, cheap trumps fashionable, right?

But what does white signify anyway if not the blank page or canvas?

Ready to be written on, colored over, and/or muddied up with the imprints and impressions of our lives.

We like to make and leave our marks everywhere we go.

As a species, we can’t pass up a blank wall, signboard, train car, arm or leg cast, etc. without wanting to mark it up some way. Let the world know Killroy was here. To proscribe this impulse would make us killjoys.

Isn’t this why Sharpies and spray paint were invented?

Well, mud is just an earlier version of ink and paint. And a natural one at that. In Mali, indigenous artists make mud cloths. Beautiful folk art renditions of village life using the minerals in mud as their source of color.

Good for GAIA

Not to mention how good it is for our fragile planet when we purposely spend time touching the earth with essential parts of ourselves.

Wallowing in mud is a down-to-earth sensual experience extraordinaire. No wonder kids love to play in the mud, make mud pies, paint their bodies with it. They’re following instinctive urges beckoning to them over the vast millennia.

No doubt if we were this up close and personal to Mama GAIA, we’d take better care of her.

So can we muddy our undies with pride, knowing we are continuing a long-standing, creative tradition with philosophic, literary, artistic, and ecological undertones?

Let’s raise our muddy drawers up the flagpoles of our MuddyUm pirate ships as the wind whips through the sails, churning the waves, bringing us the horizon.

All who agree, say argh!

Thank you, Smillew Rahcuef, for such a mud puddle-wonderful prompt!

Proceeds from this story will be donated to Undies for All.

Marilyn Flower writes political humor and satire to delight socially and spiritually conscious folks. She’s the author of Creative Blogging: Ninja Writers Guide to Character Development and Bucket Listers, Get Your Brave On: How to Do the Thing You’re ‘Too Old’ & ‘Too Scared’ to Do. Clowning and improvisation strengthen her resolve during these crazy times. Stay in touch!