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Abstract

as soon as the Piper whipped out his wood, they skedaddled.</p><p id="c571">This story does not have the happiest of endings, however. The townspeople proved to be cheap SOBs who refused to pay the Piper for his excellent work. So he returned to Hamelin and this time, used his flute to entice the town’s children to follow him to…I don’t know. Wherever the hell he went.</p><p id="9b55">The town of Hameline, Germany was left devoid of both its rats, and its kids. Some people would call that a fair tradeoff. Not me, necessarily. But “some” people.</p><p id="fb61">This particular holiday is also a time for thanking our exterminators, should we be so misfortunate as to require the use of one.</p><p id="ce5a">That brings me to our last reason to celebrate the sheer glory of being alive today:</p><h2 id="2c51">National Penuche Fudge Day</h2><p id="6d77">You might be wondering, “What the hell is a ‘penuche’?” It sounds something a candy-loving milliner would make. That said, there is no chocolate in Penuche Fudge.</p><p id="4c4c">According to <i>huffpost.com</i>, Penuche, or <i>Panuccio</i> in Italian, is a fudgy treat made with brown sugar, milk, butter, and a hint of vanilla. Yikes! That’s gotta be sweet.</p><figure id="cb8d"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*kY-g4oNptOFuDfJgG8H6kg.jpeg"><figcaption>Screw the Quarantine-15! Let’s have some fudge! Source: Free-Images.Com</figcaption></figure><p id="0c1d">A New England staple, people down South love it, too, and call this type of fudge, “Brown Sugar Fudge Candy.” It’s reportedly yummy, with a buttery, creamy, melt-in-your-mouth lusciousness. Because of the brown sugar, and it’s molasses content, the candy is light-brown in color, and also makes a delish cake frosting.</p><p id="0c9d">Aside from its calorie content, what could be bad? As to why we have a whole day celebrating Penuche Fudge, I couldn’t tell you. So I’m making up for that by providing a recipe that you can whip up as soon as you’re done reading this.</p><p id="a7c1">Because we haven’t gained enough friggin’ weight. Enjoy!</p><p id="bb98">From <i>Taste of Home:</i></p><h2 id="5512">Penuche Fudge</h2><h2 id="1c29">Ingredients:</h2><ul><li>1 teaspoon plus 1/4 cup butter, divided</li><li>2 cups packed brown sugar</li><li>1 cup sugar</li><li>3/4 cup 2% milk</li><li>2 tablespoons light corn syrup</li><li>1/8 teaspoon salt</li><li>1 teaspoon vanilla extract</li><li>1 cup chopped walnuts</li></ul><h2 id="40b5">Directions:</h2><ul><li>Line a 9-in. square pan with foil; grease foil with 1 teaspoon butter.</li><li>In a large heavy saucepan, combine sugars, milk, corn syrup and salt. Bring to a rapid boil over medium heat, stirring constantly. Cook, without stirring, until a candy thermometer reads 234° (soft-ball stage). Remove from heat. Add vanilla and remaining butter to pan (do not stir).</li><li>Cool, without stirring, to 110°, about 40 minutes. Beat with a spoon until fudge just begins to thicken. Add walnuts; continue beating until fudge becomes very thick and just begins to lose its sheen (about 10 minutes total). Immediately spread into prepared pan. Cool.</li><li>Using foil, lift fudge out of the pan. Remove foil; cut fudge into 1-in. squares. Store between layers of waxed paper in airtight containers.</li></ul><h2 id="5e72">Nutrition Facts:</h2><p id="cf0f">(We don’t care about these right now, but here you go, anyway.)</p><p id="cff9">1 piece: 48 calories, 2g fat (1g saturated fat), 2mg cholesterol, 12mg sodium, 9g carbohydrate (8g sugars, 0 fiber), 0 p

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rotein.</p><p id="a34f">Enjoy with whatever gusto you can muster up these days. And remember, every day is a holiday, somewhere!</p><p id="9998"><i>Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.</i></p><figure id="9c4e"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*2mUcfuZ2xICzUC9a"><figcaption>Thank you for reading!</figcaption></figure><p id="63a1">If you enjoyed this story, there’s more where this came from:</p><div id="14ec" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/dad-its-me-calling-4c4bbb13f8b3"> <div> <div> <h2>“Dad, it’s Me Calling”</h2> <div><h3>Please tell me now, what you couldn’t, then.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*S-XT4Yb7V3KN9qNzw0EC5g.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="c74b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/fun-with-bananas-ecbe95413bcb"> <div> <div> <h2>Fun With Bananas!</h2> <div><h3>This is what I’ve come to! At least, for today.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*L40cJTMU0OFBiB0SO8QzcQ.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="4ecd" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/i-got-laid-at-trader-joes-7ea78fd5cd04"> <div> <div> <h2>I Got Laid at Trader Joe’s</h2> <div><h3>While my husband waited in the car.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*DgdzxxTNtPmgkBQVn4VfLw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="f8e1" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-appeal-of-the-bad-boy-bc6c8a3a88fc"> <div> <div> <h2>The Appeal Of The “Bad Boy”</h2> <div><h3>Hella sexy and equally unavailable.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*IFByrpytKR2KZRTf9RmZEQ.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="2d93" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/i-wrote-a-story-about-sex-3062e7d61eae"> <div> <div> <h2>I Wrote a Story About Sex</h2> <div><h3>And nobody came.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*g8djxLPYeXB6Aw3hmgRVJA.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Get Your Freak On

And celebrate the three weirdest holidays you never heard of

It’s amazing what you can do with a piece of wood! Source: Pixabay.Com

Do you know what today is? Yeah, it’s Wednesday, and it’s no different from the day before, or the day before that, thanks to the pestilence that surrounds us like stink on stink. But, in spite of the ordinariness and stagnation of our mind-numbing, snooze-inducing daily lives, today is actually a special day.

A day to whip up a pitcher of Mimosas, retrieve that butter-spattered Eggs Benedict recipe and pack on another three pounds!

Today is a holiday, folks! Actually, three holidays are feted on July 22nd:

National Hammock Day National Rat Catcher’s Day National Penuche Fudge Day

Are you excited? I’m not, but it takes me a while. Perhaps, though, as we go through these bizarre “holidays,” my enthusiasm will build like Trump’s tangerine glow after eighteen holes at one of his exclusive clubs. You know: The ones named after him.

Screw POTUS. Let’s break down these holidays.

National Hammock Day.

What do we know about hammocks? Well, they’re “slings” made of rope, netting, or fabric that are anchored between two poles, or even trees, that we use for the purpose of flopping in. In a sense, hammocks are ass-slings. In contemporary times, they’re used solely for the purpose of chilling in the outdoors.

The word itself means “fishnet” and originated with the Taino, an indigenous people of the Caribbean, who used hammocks for protection against the elements, according to kammock.com. So I’m guessing they hunkered down underneath them during hurricanes and such.

After observing they’re widespread use among the Taino community, Christoper Columbus introduced the hammock to those erudite Europeans and in the mid 16th century, they were utilized as the on-deck “beds” of choice by the Spanish and English navies.

Here’s something that may surprise you, as it did me: Today, hammocks are a big deal among Millenials, especially, according to Matt Powell, a sports industry analyst at NPD, because “Millennials are looking for products they can share with their friends that they can turn into an experience.”

Huh? Have they never heard of Psilocybin? What’s with kids these days?

National Rat Catcher’s Day

What can I say other than this day celebrates a dude whose claim to fame was catching rodents. Big ones.

NRC commemorates the myth of the Pied Piper of Hamelin. Certainly, you remember him? No? Check it out: According to folklore, the town of Hamelin hired a guy with a taste for flamboyant apparel to rid their town of rats.

The Piper turned out to be an outstanding exterminator and a “green one.” Without using poison or any crap that would hurt the environment or other creatures, he made every single rat disappear. How? With his flute! Yes! For some reason, the Hameline rat population was not found of woodwind instruments so as soon as the Piper whipped out his wood, they skedaddled.

This story does not have the happiest of endings, however. The townspeople proved to be cheap SOBs who refused to pay the Piper for his excellent work. So he returned to Hamelin and this time, used his flute to entice the town’s children to follow him to…I don’t know. Wherever the hell he went.

The town of Hameline, Germany was left devoid of both its rats, and its kids. Some people would call that a fair tradeoff. Not me, necessarily. But “some” people.

This particular holiday is also a time for thanking our exterminators, should we be so misfortunate as to require the use of one.

That brings me to our last reason to celebrate the sheer glory of being alive today:

National Penuche Fudge Day

You might be wondering, “What the hell is a ‘penuche’?” It sounds something a candy-loving milliner would make. That said, there is no chocolate in Penuche Fudge.

According to huffpost.com, Penuche, or Panuccio in Italian, is a fudgy treat made with brown sugar, milk, butter, and a hint of vanilla. Yikes! That’s gotta be sweet.

Screw the Quarantine-15! Let’s have some fudge! Source: Free-Images.Com

A New England staple, people down South love it, too, and call this type of fudge, “Brown Sugar Fudge Candy.” It’s reportedly yummy, with a buttery, creamy, melt-in-your-mouth lusciousness. Because of the brown sugar, and it’s molasses content, the candy is light-brown in color, and also makes a delish cake frosting.

Aside from its calorie content, what could be bad? As to why we have a whole day celebrating Penuche Fudge, I couldn’t tell you. So I’m making up for that by providing a recipe that you can whip up as soon as you’re done reading this.

Because we haven’t gained enough friggin’ weight. Enjoy!

From Taste of Home:

Penuche Fudge

Ingredients:

1 teaspoon plus 1/4 cup butter, divided
2 cups packed brown sugar
1 cup sugar
3/4 cup 2% milk
2 tablespoons light corn syrup
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup chopped walnuts

Directions:

Line a 9-in. square pan with foil; grease foil with 1 teaspoon butter.
In a large heavy saucepan, combine sugars, milk, corn syrup and salt. Bring to a rapid boil over medium heat, stirring constantly. Cook, without stirring, until a candy thermometer reads 234° (soft-ball stage). Remove from heat. Add vanilla and remaining butter to pan (do not stir).
Cool, without stirring, to 110°, about 40 minutes. Beat with a spoon until fudge just begins to thicken. Add walnuts; continue beating until fudge becomes very thick and just begins to lose its sheen (about 10 minutes total). Immediately spread into prepared pan. Cool.
Using foil, lift fudge out of the pan. Remove foil; cut fudge into 1-in. squares. Store between layers of waxed paper in airtight containers.

Nutrition Facts:

(We don’t care about these right now, but here you go, anyway.)

1 piece: 48 calories, 2g fat (1g saturated fat), 2mg cholesterol, 12mg sodium, 9g carbohydrate (8g sugars, 0 fiber), 0 protein.

Enjoy with whatever gusto you can muster up these days. And remember, every day is a holiday, somewhere!

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.