Fun With Bananas!

This is what I’ve come to! At least, for today.

As writers, there are days when we just have to bleed out on the page and others when, well, writing something stupid is our only recourse.

Those days when we’re sick to death of the always-shitty news and we just need a break.

For me, this is one of those days. I spent over an hour paying bills this morning and found that our cable bill increased by $180 a month! Yes, a royal screwing!

After an online chat, with an “agent,” who managed to get us a promotional discount because we’ve been with this provider forever, our TV service has completely crapped out. Not the desired result.

So now, as I wait for the dreaded signal “refresh” to kick in, if at all, I thought I’d spend some quality time writing about fruit. Specifically, the humble banana. And no, this has nothing to do with sex. Maybe next time, folks. Even though bananas do resemble bright yellow dildos. Albeit, very soft ones.

Don’t even think of it. If you do, I must absolve myself of all responsibility.

I love bananas. Yet, I rarely eat them because of the sugar content, even though they’re packed with Potassium. Sure, I could have one once in a while but I’m incredibly anal that way. But that doesn’t mean that you, my friends, shouldn’t enjoy them!

For your reading pleasure, I thought I’d suss out some fun banana facts. So hold onto your cornflakes because here goes nothin!’

Did you know…?

From The Banana Police:

• Bananas float in water for Chrissake! Yes! They do! As do apples and watermelons. The next time I take a bath, I’ll chuck one in with me and test this out for you. You’re welcome.
• There’s a whole museum dedicated to bananas! Aptly called The Banana Club Museum, in Mecca, California. It’s the largest collection devoted to any one fruit. So if you’re ever in Mecca with time on your hands…
• The only place in the U.S. where bananas are grown commercially is Hawaii, although at one time they were also grown in southern California and Florida. The overwhelming majority of the bananas we eat come from countries in Latin America and South America, including Costa Rica, Ecuador, Colombia, Honduras, Panama, and Guatemala.
• A runner dressed as a fucking banana ran the fastest marathon ever at the Barcelona Marathon in 2011. A Brit, Patrick Wightman’s time was 2 hours, 58 minutes, and 20 seconds. Who the hell knew? Not this writer!
• Those forward-thinking Japanese folk use the fiber in the banana plant to make fabric and sometimes even paper. Why aren’t we doing that? Oh, right: There wouldn’t be any left for our smoothies.
• The scientific name for the banana is Musa Sapientum, which means “fruit of the wise men.”
• On average, Americans eat 27 pounds of bananas per year.

Fun stuff you can do with bananas:

• You can take this for what it’s worth, but, some nut somewhere alleges that rubbing a banana peel on your forehead will cure a headache.
• Rubbing the inside of a banana peel on your teeth for two minutes every night will whiten them.
• Bananas and banana peels make excellent fertilizer because of their phosphorous and potassium content (you can compost them, bury them whole, or cut them in small pieces and mix them with garden soil). Roses especially like them.
• You can get really buzzed smoking banana peels! (Are you buying this?) That’s a hoax originally posted in The Berkeley Barb in 1967.
• Got a wart or two that’s really grossing you out? If you rub the inside of a small piece of banana peel on the ugly buggers every night (or tape a piece of peel over them), the potassium in the peel can make the wart disappear in one to two weeks.
• Is your hair parched from the “Quarantine-I-Don’t-Give-A-Shit-Blues?” Come on people! We must keep up appearances. Bananas make a great conditioner to help restore dry, damaged hair. Mash a banana and add a tablespoon of heavy cream and a tablespoon of honey to the mixture. Then apply it to dry hair, cover your hair with a shower cap, and then wrap your head in a warm towel. Leave it on for up to an hour and then rinse thoroughly with warm water before shampooing. Then have a stiff drink because you just put a fucking banana on your head.
• Speaking of beautifying, you can also perk up facial skin with “banana schmutz in a bowl.” Mash half a banana or so and mix it with a couple of tablespoons of Greek yogurt and a drizzle of honey. Enjoy a spoonful or two and then apply the rest to your mug. Let sit for about fifteen minutes and then rinse. Then have a stiff drink because you just put a fucking banana on your face.

Finally, gang, and this one’s from Grunge:

Bananas are radioactive!

Although it’s well known that bananas contain large amounts of potassium, which is good for a host of important bodily functions, what is perhaps less known is that a small proportion of that potassium is the unstable radioactive element, isotope potassium-40, which is sliding down your throat alongside the regular potassium every time you chow down on the Soft Yellow Dildo.

That does it for me. Even though I was thinking of busting out my trusty, rusty, NutriBullet to whip up a banana smoothie, I think I’ll pass. There are other ways I prefer to get “lit.”

Next up: The “musical fruit.”

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.

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