GRAMMAR GIGGLES

Get These Words Right, or Else

Then write if you dare

Many of us need refresher courses in word stuff. Linguistics, semantics, etc. This isn’t about those things. This is about SIMPLE words that people who are not me — or other editors — get wrong.

I get other word stuff wrong. Such as accidentally putting an apostrophe in its when I want the possessive, making it “it is” or it’s, which is existential, and not at all possessive like some boyfriends. I do it Every. Single. Time. Fortunately, D. K. Harmony and Holly J See catch that in my writing, and you, the reader, never know. Until now. I digress.

Here we go. Memorize these, please. Then the Editor Fairy and I, the Editor Dragon, or D. K. Harmony, the Editor Queen Bee, won’t have to spring into action and mesmerize, burn, or sting you.

Effect is what happens when something affects something else. As in, “when your wrong word usage affects editors, you will feel the effects of our ire, and it won’t be pretty.”

Loose clothing is what happens when you lose weight — I swear if I see this one ONE MORE TIME, I will burn down your village. Then you won’t have to worry about losing weight. If you are going to turn something loose, you set it free. Your choice. You don’t lose it like you lose your keys. You can also loosen something, as in your belt after dinner, but note the added “n” that makes the adjective loose a verb. Yeah, English loves to mess with you like that.

It’s (OMG I got it right) REGARDLESS, not irregardless, which I don’t think is even a word. To not regard in this usage means to not take an aspect into consideration. “Less” is the part of the word that says you aren’t regarding something. No need to make it a double negative by adding “ir,” which then means you do regard it, since it’s now a double negative, and not what you’re trying to say. Therefore and henceforth, irregardless means to take the aspect, detail, or fact into consideration. Irregardless is the opposite of what you mean to say. Stop it.

The past is past. You may have passed by something in the past. Passed is the past tense of pass. Got it? No? Try this. You can pass the salt, but you cannot past it. Once you pass it, you will have then passed the salt. You have often passed the salt in the past, which is before now.

Your precise and entertaining, or inspiring, use of words is what you think makes you a writer. You’re a writer when we say you are. JOKING — This is a humor pub. Your is possessive, like those jealous boyfriends above. You’re is you are, another existential condition. Try this way of remembering. Apostrophes are existential, not possessive. If you stare into the abyss long enough, an apostrophe will stare back at you.

Except means to leave something out, to exclude or not include. As in, you may be left out of publications if you make too many of these mistakes. Not really — that’s what editors are for — but please don’t overwork us. As editor Paul Hossfield, aka BOFace likes to say, “We’re all volunteers here.” Accept means to graciously — or not — receive or embrace something. This can be things from hugs to the twists and turns of fate. You can accept all gifts on your birthday, except the one from your ex-best friend. They’ll just have to deal.

If these explanations don’t help, there’s no hope for you, and you should expect and accept a visit from the Editor Fairy, Dragon, or Queen Bee in the near future — which is not the past.

Disclaimer: If you have dyslexia, as my son does, you get a pass — not a past. However, there is spell-check. Use it. Please. Except sometimes it’s wrong. Then you’re screwed, unless you have an Editor Fairy Godmother, which he does, and now so do you.

Thank you to the Editor Fairy for her follow-up article on Homonyms and Homophones. Oh My!

You’re next, D. K. Harmony. Bring on your grammar pet peeves. Be gentle.

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