PARENTING | SURVIVAL

Toddler Positive Redirection: Gentle Hands, Gentle Feet, Gentle Mouths

A game-changer from the Toddler Whisperer I wish I knew sooner

They called her the Toddler Whisperer. I guarded my excitement carefully. Maybe the other parents have a standard of excellence from a learning center teacher that looks much different from mine. Cautiously optimistic, I would watch. You will see, they said. Your grandson will use scissors, drink from a regular cup, and seem like a young boy cub versus a baby.

“She is amazing! The Toddler Whisperer, really, has magic in her!” My grandson, Ian, turned 2 years old and had just qualified for her classroom. He had a history of being woefully misunderstood. He was judged as being a loner. Ian had been coddled by others because he was a delayed walker and talker. Concerning eyes would peer at me as sympathetic statements alluded to his differences from the other children in his age group. As a proactive grandmom, I offered some abbreviated explanations of how Ian operates to his new teacher. More so why he is who he is, on his first day with Ms. Bonnie the Toddler Whisperer, the Guru, and Pied Piper of toddlers in her room.

“He is an independent player. He only knew the atmosphere of the two of us. I never took his toys, or grabbed at him and, I am not a biter. What appears to be anti-social behavior is actually Ian’s comfort zone.”

Other kids in his face, poking him, trouble him. He doesn’t know what to do, so he avoids that interaction. He determines who is safe, and who he trusts, and will gravitate toward them.

Right now, unfortunately, that grouping is currently exclusive to adults. Her doe-like eyes reminded me of creamy hot chocolate. They weren’t dark brown but warm and inviting and soft. I think they cast a spell on me. She hugged my grandson and showed him where his cubby was so he could put his jacket away. The love between them was palpable and immediate. Within the first week, Ian was using scissors and drinking from an open cup. That evidence of his new skills confirmed for me her ability to guide these children. However, it was something much more dramatic that made me love her too.

She wasn’t just a toddler whisperer but a Parent Whisperer, too. It all unfolded during pick-up. I walked into the classroom and, a mother was admonishing her daughter about hitting. “No, stop hitting, now!” I stood to the side awkwardly, squishing on the foamy mat with giant A B C lettering in primary colors, and averted my eyes from the embarrassed and frustrated woman. The girl cried out when her mom pulled her by the arm. Lo and behold, Ms. Bonnie walked into the middle of the tug-of-war, stooped down, and said something I could not hear. The mom slowly nodded and the child went on their way quietly with a peaceful resolution. The little girl looked back and gave her teacher a smile and a wave. “Please, tell me what you just did.”

I was fascinated by the transformation I witnessed. Her explanation was clear. “I reminded her that we have gentle hands.”

In Ms. Bonnie’s classroom, you would not hear the word ‘no’ often. You would never hear it to stop inappropriate or unacceptable behavior. She talked about the benefits of positive redirection.

“By simply saying no, you open a door for two things. First, you are reinforcing the likelihood of the child using the word. They are navigating their role and mimicking everything we say and do. Who wants to add to the stubbornness of a toddler?”

She went on. “Second, they crave authority and their own power. I give that by offering positive choices of what they can do.”

I felt empowered by this new brief explanation. Of course, I researched the topic, hungry for more.

Verbal Redirection

Young toddlers are more than capable of following verbal directions. Verbal redirection is a process of consistently leading your child from an unacceptable behavior to a similar, acceptable one by using your words. For example, if your child is throwing books across the floor, you may say, “We do not throw books. We read them. You may throw this ball in the basket instead.”

Physical Redirection

Toddlers are known for resisting and challenging authority, so physical redirection might be necessary over verbal redirection. Physical redirection is when you physically pick up, move, or stop your child from what they are doing. For example, if your child is climbing on the table, you may pick them up and move them to a climber and say, “We do not climb on the table, because we might fall. Instead, you may climb on the climber.” ~ staypositivediscipline

At home, positive redirection was woven nicely into our routine. The benefits were noticeable from the get-go. I was calmer once armed with a planned reaction to the battles of wills.

Though power struggles were infrequent, they decreased exponentially the more we found our groove. Ian became more confident and responded well to the process. I had a front-row seat to his evolving self-esteem.

He thrived with the ability to make choices.

Anxiety was old news. We had carved an even keel of mental wellness. Healthier and happier went hand in hand for a toddler who knew what to expect. He relied on my calmness and I loved the passive approach to compliance.

And now, two years later, my four-year-old grandson and I moved to a different area. The new learning center is just as friendly and loving, and he is happy there.

At after-school pick-up a few weeks ago, flustered or maybe just exasperated, the teacher told me how he refused to do a group activity. She said he told her, “No!” enough that she gave up. “He is particular, you know, and wanted to do something else so, I let him.”

Okay.

I called to him to leave and he planted his feet, crossed his arms, and clearly said, “No.” I looked at him and asked if he wanted to walk to the car or if he wanted me to carry him.

Ian stared at us.

I repeated my question, maintaining my lowered and calm voice. He looked for a second, came to me, and said, “Walk, I want to walk.”

His teacher marveled at his compliance. I paid the wisdom of Ms.Bonnie forward. Give two choices, both being acceptable. The child wins, and the adult wins.

At times, eliciting a response requires a few times. If he is tired or annoyed, I have no problem repeating the same options again. He knows that one of them will happen and, he wants the power of choice.

Never offer discipline that offers a yes or no choice unless you’re good with either answer.

Offering a positive redirect toward an acceptable behavior is much more effective in that moment. Elaborate the reasoning, upon need, in quieter times that will be more conducive for listening.

“We have gentle hands,” works versus simply saying “don’t hit.”

Offer an alternative action, a reminder in place of insisting they stop the action.

• Hitting? We have gentle hands.
• Kicking? We have gentle feet.
• Unpleasant language, like being called a poop-head in anger? We have gentle mouths.

I promise you that once you have laid the groundwork, positive redirection goes on auto-pilot.

Another day my grandson clung to me instead of going into his classroom. He’s not a fan of chaos and our arrival timing was the same as a few other families. The little lobby was noisy and bustling.

His teacher came over to Ian and asked if he wanted to eat his favorite, blueberries, or play with his best bud, Elijah. He quickly chose Elijah.

And, off he went, right into his classroom, looking for his friend.

If you haven’t been introduced to positive redirection, please try it. My stress levels operate at a much lower level and, yours will too.

Very Well Families offers,

If you’ve never felt comfortable punishing your child, then positive discipline is worth a try. By using positive discipline techniques like redirection, praise, and selective ignoring, you can often nip bad behavior in the bud without resorting to threats, bribes, yelling, or physical punishment.

When you taste sweet success, please pay it forward.

Have a gentle mouth. Be a Toddler-Whisperer.

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