Gay Hookups and Sex Can Be Dangerous. Stay Safe!

I never think much of it. I should.

Kevin’s Story

Before the advent of the online hookup “resources,” all we had was the gay bar.

I still prefer it to today’s online methods. But is either safe?

Not for Kevin Clewer. I came to know Kevin through his roommate, a colleague of mine at my job in Chicago. Kevin was as nice as they come. Always friendly, smiling, and gracious. He was a mama’s boy. Keven called his mom every morning while driving to work.

He never made that call on the morning of March 24, 2004.

He lived in an area in Chicago known as Boystown, a bustling nightlife area full of gay bars, gay restaurants, and stores selling gay trinkets and erotica.

Kevin had gone out with a friend the evening prior and met a man known only as “Fernando” (if that is his real name). The three of them went to another bar around 3:15 am, and eventually, Kevin and Fernando went back to Kevin’s apartment.

When he didn’t show up for work in the morning, his supervisor phoned his mom. Neither she, his brother, nor his dad Jim had heard from or seen Kevin. Jim went to Kevin’s apartment to check up on him. I’m sure he was feeling much trepidation as he climbed the stairs in the third-floor walkup building.

At about 6:00 pm, Jim found Kevin’s body, naked in his bedroom, with 42 stab wounds to his back. He was just 31.

Jim, Kevin’s Mom Pam, and his brother Ronald worked tirelessly that first year surveilling the neighborhood and distributing thousands of flyers. We all had a stack to hand out.

Jim and Pam marched in the Gay Pride Parade that year, using any means to find his killer. Then in 2005, within a week of each other, they both suddenly passed. I’m sure they died of broken hearts.

Kevin’s case remains cold.

The Bars

I’ve been out since 1998, I’ve had two eight-year relationships and have been single for a total of six years.

There were no online “dating” sites in 1998. Online wasn’t even a thing. So most of our socializing and searching for “tricks” was done inside the safety of our bars.

I quickly learned the thrill of the hunt and became quite good at getting phone numbers. Sometimes that was the point of the whole evening. Like a cat, you’d catch the mouse, but you wouldn’t necessarily bring it home. You might not even eat it!

But on a good night, you’d find the prize and have sex at one of your homes. Bars gave you the advantage of “pre-screening” your trick. There was no denying that if your eyes locked with another pair across the bar, you were bound to meet and “get lucky.”

Because of AIDS and the fact that I was just curious as to how many men I’d had sex with, I maintained a list of who I had slept with and their phone numbers.

By mid-1999, the list grew to 35–40. For a 41-year-old guy, I was doing quite well in this community notorious for its focus on youth. I stopped keeping tabs.

Online “Dating”

I was only out for about a year until I met my first boyfriend. That put the skids on my promiscuity. But, I still was able to look and flirt, and in opportune moments, perhaps have a quick fling with someone else. Eventually, we opened up the relationship, probably because he couldn’t stop my insatiable need for sexual contact with random men.

When we split in 2008, I moved into my own apartment and discovered the online world of sex. “Manhunt” and “Adam4Adam” were the two hookup sites that were most popular at the time. They made it pretty easy to have sex at any time— and I worked from home! Alternatively, you could webcam. But there’s nothing like the real thing.

I did little to protect myself. I may be lucky to be alive. In most instances, inquiries would be made as to whether either one of us was HIV-positive, and we’d take each other’s word for it. We would have unprotected sex — “bareback” as it’s commonly known.

I did test at least once a year, consistently negative. Should have done it more often. I continued to push the boundaries for three years until meeting my next boyfriend. He called himself a “serial monogamist,” so I knew we would never have an open relationship.

However, I was caught in an infraction based on his review of my phone (I hated when he’d look at my phone), and we broke up for three months. I received a stern warning when we got back together: “don’t ever do this again.”

Sex 24/7/365

After we split up for good and I moved to a new city, I just picked up where I had left off before the relationship. By this time, I was screening guys on five different sites.

I had tired of always being the bottom in my relationships, but I was unsure of myself as a top, so often, no anal sex was had. Since I’ve had good experiences with both, I’m confident either way and prefer to top now.

Now we have PrEP (Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis), so bareback sex isn’t the danger it once was.

Still, I wonder if I have some kind of death wish — or at least an interest in danger. I’m not sure that I vet my sexual partners as well as I should.

Sometimes, depending on their looks, there is NO vetting. I tend to gravitate towards what you might say are “bad boys.” I’m very open to having new sexual experiences, and if certain drugs might enhance the experience, I’m all in.

Be Careful Out There

I could have been Kevin. I still could be. I don’t know these people I invite into my home, but I tend to prefer “hosting” because I know the escape routes, should they become necessary.

Many guys complain of having things stolen from their homes when they host. I’ve never had anything stolen (what have I got? Airplane models?!), and I’ve never felt physically threatened.

I’m still a bit skittish.

I think I’ve been lucky. This is not the way I suggest you go about with your hookups. Still, more function like me than not. I often challenge fate, but I’m getting a bit too “seasoned” to continue acting so impulsively. It would be nice to have a traditional date.

In 95% of the cases, there seems to be an unwritten code that all we want is to have sex and a good time.

The bottom line is that I don’t think you ever know anyone 100%. We are all hiding something in secrecy. How well could you know someone after just a couple of hours of chatter? Kevin wasn’t granted any mercy.

A few tips I go by:

• Talk a lot and ask a lot of questions. Ask about people you may know in common. That might give you a clue as to their character.
• Know your escape routes. Nothing wrong with asking for some water or whatnot, and accompany them to the kitchen, keeping an eye open for doors.
• Be vigilant. Know where you are. Keep everything in your pockets, and undress in the way that you would dress. Keep it all in one stack. If you need to get out, you may have to do it in the dark.
• Finally, if you feel uncomfortable, just say so and go. This has happened to me on several occasions. You can feel if the vibe is wrong.

It’s now been nearly twenty years since Kevin was murdered. Kevin loved his family, and the only good that has come out of this is that at least they are together.

On another note, here are a couple of my other articles you might enjoy as published in Prism & Pen:

Your membership supports writers on Medium, and I receive a portion of those fees when you become a member using the link below. As a member, you have access to all of my content and that of thousands of others. It’s like creating your own feature magazine to read whenever and wherever you want!