Speaking Bipolar
From the Pages of a Perpetual Pariah — My Pervasive Darkness
The Hidden Chapter, Page 3
I have always been an avid journalist. I document everything. Thus, my book has turned into a memoir, recollections of my life for the past 30 years. In Page 2 of Pariah — “The Bloodletting,” I mention Dawn and how she occasionally appeared in my journals in my 20s as my “pervasive darkness.” The demon embedded in my psyche. The one my tormentor had put there. The one I passed onto my only child.
I remember writing the passage below in my dorm room late one night, undoubtedly still drunk from yet another night’s excursions (which were virtually every night.) She had laid dormant for a bit and I actually kind of missed her. Considered perhaps she had finally departed and left me to live my own life, in control of my own actions, decisions.
Below, as written, verbatim, is my message to her. As a 20-year-old message to myself:
“A voice that whispers in my ear the light has finally reached your end of the tunnel. It frightens me, the whole concept, the enormous reality that the darkness is slowly sifting away. “How long?” I ask the departing sadness. “How long have I begged you to leave?” It gives up without protest and waves goodbye with its feathery fingers one last time on my skin. And the voice reassures me that I’m not alone. The light will hold me and kiss me and make Love to me in my sleep. And I will experience love beyond boundaries that I never believed possible. ”For there is another,” it whispers, “that has bathed in the darkness for any eternity and his cries have pierced the night and shattered the stars.” And I look into the departing night to witness the twinkle of stardust fall from the sky into brilliant points of color and I long for the time and I will share my soul with the other for I feel it drawing nearer to me as I drift to sleep. And sleep silently overcomes me as I catch a glimpse of how things were meant to be and perhaps will be someday when all things are right. And maybe I will sleep like I’m dead, full, and happy with my love by my side. Never the fear of living alone in the darkness but secure in the light. And I hear the traces of some ancient lullaby in my head as I join the stars for yet another night of slumber.”
I have always had a bleeding heart, contrary to popular belief, with my hard exterior. I’ve always been in love with being in love. I believed someone would save me. Someone would understand me. Looking back, I believe that someone was me. I later discovered more. More to come.
Until the next page, my friend. To be continued…
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