Speaking Bipolar
Me? Just Another Sick Girl in Search of Solace
We are about to start…
Alright. Grab a bottle of water and step in line! Follow me down the trail. Trinity‘s Trail. You should probably put on your hiking boots. Grab an umbrella. Perhaps a box of tissues.
It is MANDATORY that you bring your thinking hat. That is an absolute MUST.
Allow me to introduce myself. I will be your tour guide for the hike. My name is Trinity.
About Me
I talk a lot. Lucky for you, I write like a talk. I always have.
I’ve been called “Mouth of the South.” I think I have been talking since the day I was born. Think Foghorn Leghorn. You don’t have to tell him when to shut up. He knows when to shut up. He’ll shut up anytime he wants to because he knows how to shut up. Shut up his middle name. He doesn’t need instructions on how to shut up. It must be exhausting being my friend.
I’m not a good summarizer. I’m a former research scientist. Having experience most recently with technical report writing, I sometimes forget that I can say what I want how I want and it’s liberating! I finished both my Bachelors and Masters totally online. I’m finding that Medium is a lot like my classes. Discussion boards. Posting my post then responding to at least two others’ posts. Only substantive responses count. None of this “great job!” bullshit. Between that and my journalism background, Medium seems to be right up my alley.
I am not mentally ill. I am a middle-aged woman who was unfortunate and ill-fated enough to have been blessed with neuroses. Several. I do strive to be an overachiever. But I don’t care for labels. People with cancer aren’t known as “cancered.” They have cancer. If someone has the flu, they aren’t called the “flu’d.” I have multiple sclerosis but I’m not “MS’d.” I have MS.
I have Bipolar Type 1, self-diagnosed borderline, generalized anxiety disorder, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. PTSD is mentioned in my psych records, but it was never an official diagnosis. Why is beyond me. I also happen to be a self-proclaimed psychiatrist, who can recognize and treat mental illnesses. This is delusion, so perhaps I’m a bit schizophrenic as well…
While I do have narcissistic traits, I don’t have NPD. As an unprofessional psychiatrist, I’ve already dismissed this as a diagnosis. I’m just secluded from the world with very little interaction with anyone other than Jack and my kid. My book has turned out to be about a whole lot of me. What I did to save our marriage. What I did to improve myself. I am writing full-time at home. Alone all day with no one to talk to. Except me. I’m writing about me. I do a lot of introspection and by the time Jack gets home, all I have to talk about is me writing about me. Conversations I’ve had with myself. Questions I’ve asked and answered myself. All the things I’ve learned about me. Conclusions I’ve come to. Revelations I’ve had. When I ever do actually go out with the single friend of mine, all I have to talk about is my writing about me. See where I’m going here?
This is my first published article in the Speaking Bipolar publication, so hopefully I don’t break any rules or trigger anyone. I find humor in virtually everything, so I definitely don’t want to offend anyone. I have a dry sense of humor. This will likely come out in my writing. Humor is my coping mechanism for virtually everything. Life is entirely too serious. I’ve been told that this is a family friendly publication. So, I promise to be on my best behavior, while still telling my story, as it is to be told. I expect Scott Ninneman will call me out on it if not.
Why I’m on Medium
I am currently writing a book, “The Power of The Ellipsis: How Listening to Voices and Playing Fictional Characters Transformed My Life.” It is important that you know as a reader, as a faithful follower, that I am trying to build an audience who will want to hear what I have to say. My book is three parts. The first part is very serious. A lot of hard work was put into my own transformation, and my efforts to save my marriage. And in saving my marriage, I saved me. The latter two parts are about sex and fun. Even people with mental illnesses like sex and fun!
I’m juggling multiple genres with this manuscript, hoping to find people that actually want to hear what I have to say. I want to be clear that I am the same person writing all of it. Both clean and dirty. I have a voice. I hope you grow to like it. Take a moment to look at my “About” on my profile. If after reading a bit of my stuff, you think you might actually be interested in reading my stuff regularly, subscribe to me. It would be my honor.
If I’m not following you on Medium, it’s because I haven’t found you yet. I am using Twitter as my primary traffic driver. Which honestly doesn’t really seem to be doing crap for me right now but I’m finding Medium members on Twitter. If you’re on Twitter, please find me. Same username. Let me know who you are. I’m taking attendance.
I am eager to read your stories. To see how you’ve overcome the battles in your life. To just read about your boring, uneventful lives because honestly, that’s what most of us have. Living the dream.
Part 1 of the Manuscript
Things weren’t good for Jack and me for the majority of our 12-year marriage. There were a number of factors involved, but the fact is that I had been pushed to the wayside. Stifled. Ignored. Dismissed. I was invisible. Unimportant. Devoid of intimacy. For years. Mental illness played a very large part here. For both of us. My experiences I will write about here in Speaking Bipolar are applicable for the purposes of this publication.
The first part is serious. It discusses a transformation that occurred within me. This happened through a quest for knowledge that I decided to embark upon sometime around 2019. I have written about some of these things in previously published articles. For which I’ve provided below. If you are truly interested in hearing my story, which I hope you are, you will take a look at these articles because they’re part of the big picture. They will talk a bit about some things that I had to go through to fix me, in order to become a new person.
I intend to publish most applicable stories supporting Part 1 through a series within this Speaking Bipolar publication. I’m still toying around with the name but it’s coming. It is intended to establish my state of mind. How I started, where I went, and where I am now. How I got here. I’m unsure which page of “The Hidden Chapter” will begin the series. I would like to think that it is worth the wait.
And hopefully it will inspire you. Everyone wants to be inspired. Motivation comes from inspiration. We don’t motivate ourselves. Someone inspires us and we become motivated. I want to inspire you. There is life on the other side. Of your life. Even in the darkest of times.
Perpetuity — Breaking the Vicious Cycle of My Insidious Cancer
There is No Solace in Your Silence
Parts 2 and 3 of the Manuscript
The latter two parts of the book are not serious at all. They are about sex and fun. In March of 2022, something happened. As part of this change going on, I did something crazy which has resulted in the ride of a lifetime. We rediscovered a love that had lain dormant for years. Then, a resultant curiosity. A pervasion, if you will. The latter parts of the book will be discussed in stories published in Bouncin’ and Behaving Fuckery.
I have been advised by my book coach to not put “it all” out there. That I want my readers to still have something to read when my book is published. I don’t even know what “it all” is. There are some things that are distinct about my story that I don’t intend on openly discussing, but I want, and I need you. Stick with me. You won’t be disappointed.
Read about our resurrection here:
Raising the Dead — Breathing Life Back into Our Love
A Typical Friday Night — My Life for the Past 19 Months…
Over the past few years, I have become an avid believer in synchronicity. I believe that things do not merely happen by chance. This means that they truly as a reason as to why I need to go down the trail that I’ve been led. You’re here for a reason, too.
Food for Thought
If we approach life with the simple question, “What am I to learn from this?” You might be amazed how much you learn. There’s so much to be had. Let’s embrace the madness and use it for all the power that it does have.
