HOTWIFE | SEXUALITY | SWINGING | EVOLUTION
From Good Girl to Queen of Spades — The 6 Stages Of My Sexual Evolution
Like a great wine, women need time to mature
Female sexuality is not static. How can it be? It is not reasonable to expect anyone — female or male — to be the same at twenty as they are at fifty. We evolve.
My sexual evolution didn’t happen overnight. Like a good wine, it took me time to mature from a virginal good girl into a sexually confident Queen of Spades. My transformation required my unique behavioural traits — high sex drive, lack of guilt, and curiosity — to find a hospitable environment that offered me a stable relationship with an encouraging partner. Mix these ingredients together and you have a recipe for sexual evolution.
STAGE ONE: The Good Girl Years
My twenties were an interesting period in my life. They certainly weren’t filled with sexual adventure. The oppressive shadow of the Catholic church prevented me from exploring my nascent sexuality. What I and the majority of good girls did in their twenties was search for a husband.
We are all born sexual creatures, thank God, but it’s a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Marilyn Monroe
For me, being a good girl meant not staying out too late or drinking too much. It meant choosing to stay home instead of going to Mexico with my girlfriends. On the few occasions when my sexuality got the better of me, I suffered immense shame for my bad girl behaviour.
In order to maintain my image, I avoided what my parents considered to be unnecessary free time. My parents weren’t Puritans but they certainly held a Protestant work ethic where free time was to be avoided at all costs.
And, as we all know, too much free time can quickly turn a good girl bad. My mother’s unstated message was that men who were husband material had no interest in a bad girl.
A woman has many faces as she goes through her life. It’s like we have more than one hair-do. We have many, many changes in the evolution of our lives. We have, we learn, we grow; we view life differently, and life views us differently.
Sharon Stone
As a result, I suppressed my sexuality. I thought I was doing the right thing. But I might as well have worn a chastity belt and locked myself in a closet.
But the good girl monkey on my back severely restricted me from engaging in any sexual exploration. So I spent much of my twenties frustrated, single, and mostly celibate.
That was until I dated one of my university’s basketball team players who happened to be black (more on this later). For the first time in my life, I felt desired by a member of the opposite sex. I finally felt alive. Losing my virginity really marked the beginning of my sexual evolution.
When I lost my carefully protected virginity was I struck down by a bolt of lightning?
No.
Did the earth move?
No.
Did anyone care?
No.
Losing my virginity was really a non event. But it was something I had to experience in order to move forward with my sexual evolution.
STAGE TWO: Sexless Marriage Years
As my mid-twenties approached, a friend introduced me to a charming sexy mature student. Channel actor Javier Bardem. We instantly connected on every level. The passion we felt for each other was intense.
But all good things usually come to an end. By the time, we married, the passion we once felt for each other faded. my once passionate relationship turned into a sexless marriage.
Initially, I don’t think I really noticed. There were a lot of distractions in our life. My dad was dying of cancer. I was trying to juggle visits to Palliative care with a very stressful issues management job and my relationship. My fiancé was in the final stages of his engineering degree. I assumed our sex life would recover. Sadly, it never did.
People stray for many reasons — tainted love, revenge, unfulfilled longings, plain old lust.
Ester Perel, Mating in Captivity
For the next three years, I lived like a nun as my husband moved from one engineering contract to the next. We saw each other quarterly. My recently awakened sexuality was locked up again.
Then, one afternoon as I was on a cross-country flight to visit my husband, I met a male flight attendant. Sparks flew. And the start of what would become a lengthy affair began.
Suddenly, I felt alive again. After years of little or no touch, I craved the touch of a man. The intimacy of my sexual encounter with a stranger helped me reignite my sexual fire.
The point of human evolution is adapting to circumstance. Not letting go of the old, but adapting it, is necessary.
Sonali Bendre
Despite going against my moral code, I didn’t feel any guilt about my actions. I rationalized my infidelity as something I needed to do in order to stay committed in my marriage. Sounds bizarre doesn’t it?
But my lack of guilt did make me question if monogamy was ever going to be a good fit for me. The signs my sexuality my moral compass shifting away from what I’d been taught as a child?
In reality, my sexuality was simply evolving. I was no longer willing to put my sexuality on hold for someone else. And as I released my outdated notion of monogamy and marriage, I adapted and embraced the new sexual me.
STAGE THREE: Welcome to the Swinging Lifestyle
Thankfully, I had the wisdom to get out of my marriage early on.
Before my signature had even dried on my divorce papers, I met the man of my dreams. Tall, charming and handsome. This time, more Alex Baldwin than Javier Bardem.
Our intellectual and sexual chemistry was amazing.
Being older and I like to think a lot wiser, we tested our compatibility through different travel experiences. We learned about each other’s pressure points and triggers during long haul flights to Europe. Navigating the roads through medieval villages in France will test anyone’s patience.
But these experiences, warts and all made us stronger. Before our first year ended, we’d purchased a home and gotten engaged. We married the following summer. Nine months later, our son was born.
It was a whirlwind of an adventure. But we were both in our late thirties and I’d always wanted to have a child. I had no idea the negative impact a little baby could have on a relationship. Let’s just say I was naive.
For new moms, babies can be all-consuming. The learning curve is steep. From breastfeeding to teaching a baby how to sleep, eat, and play — a mother’s job is exhausting. Thankfully, I had a year off for maternity leave and a very supportive partner. But despite this support, my desire for sex felt like it had fallen off a cliff.
But all of this focus on our baby left us with little time for each other. After about six months, the fights began. By the end of the first year, the tension had risen to the point that the words separation and divorce were being mentioned.
But neither of us wanted to go down the path of divorce. We knew the damage it would do to our son. So we tried to forge a new path forward.
We knew that to save our relationship we needed to reconnect as a couple. When my life partner suggested we try swinging as a way to reconnect, I didn’t know what to think. But I’m grateful, he took a chance.
Part of the sexual revolution is bringing rationality to sexuality. Because when you don’t embrace sexuality in a normal way, you get the twisted kinds, and the kinds that destroy lives.
Hugh Hefner
Swinging gave us an opportunity to be more than just new parents. It offered us an outlet where we could forget we were parents for a couple hours each week.
And swinging also helped me realize I could have and enjoy recreational sex with the knowledge, support and encouragement of Mr. BDJ. This idea was revolutionary for me.
Now that a decade has passed, I’ve enjoyed some great sexual adventures with Mr. BDJ. For me, the lifestyle gave me a community of like-minded people who were interested in sex. I really enjoyed socializing with educated people on a wide range of topics including sex. These experiences showed me that non-monogamy can work in a long term relationship if you’re ethical with your partner.
But the more sex I had, the more I needed it. It really became a fix I needed to feed weekly. If I didn’t, became ornery. My itch needed to be scratched.
STAGE FOUR: Sex in the time of COVID
Then a global pandemic happened. Our Swinging community of couple friends evaporated. Everyone was terrified of COVID transmission.
But for me, the isolation from my sexual community nearly killed me.
Very quickly I realized my sexuality had to adapt to this new world. So I shifted gears. Instead of couples, I began seeking out single men.
Thanks to the Internet, I discovered a few fearless men looking for good pussy. Together, we helped each other survive the darkest days of the pandemic and I found myself evolving into a Hotwife.
STAGE FIVE: The Thrill of the Hunt
Since Covid, I’ve primarily operated as a Hotwife. Encouraged by Mr. BDJ, I’ve now had many, many sexual experiences. Many positive, some challenging and a few, downright weird.
At the outset of this solo adventure, I was told the ball was in my court. It was responsible for finding, vetting and meeting men. Whether it was meeting a man for a drink to judge intellectual and sexual compatibility or something much more, I was running my own show. I found it invigorating.
But gradually, I got bored with the men who posted their profiles on Tinder. In the evenings after my son had gone to sleep, I enjoyed swiping left or right with Mr. BDJ offering his insights on my potential choices.
We had a hard rule that I would never meet anyone who shared the same name as Mr. BDJ or our son. This policy eliminated many potential candidates but a rule is a rule.
A rolling stone gathers no moss
Eventually, I found an older man who fit all of my requirements. He’s smart, funny and, most importantly for a Hotwife like me, is an amazing lover. He’ll never replace Mr. BDJ but he’s perfect for no strings attached amazing sex, he’s a keeper.
But I was still missing the community Mr. BDJ and I had when we were active swingers. Once again, it was time for me to evolve and discover a new tribe.
STAGE SIX: Queen of Spades
Shortly after Mr. BDJ and I returned from Naughty n’Awlins — the annual summer Swinger gathering — one of those intuitive Google algorithm ads appeared on my laptop screen. The ad was for an upcoming Splash Mocha event.
Evolve into the complete person you were intended to be.
Oprah Winfrey
Although I’d never, ever mentioned an interest in seeking out interracial or black play, I’ve never been opposed to the idea. It’s just not that feasible where I live because the black population is very small. Although, as I mentioned above, I did lose my virginity to a black basketball player.
The next few months were filled with anxiety. There were times I questioned my sanity.
Then, six weeks in advance, the Splash Mocha chat room opened. Initially, I lurked like a voyeur not knowing how to engage with a group of people who were very open about their passion for the BBC lifestyle. Outside of female rappers like Megan thee Stallion and Cardi B., I’d never seen or heard women who were so overtly proud of their sexuality. And unlike the rappers, these were mostly white women just like me.
It took me a while to adjust to this new culture. I’m a very private person but this culture seemed to demand I become more assertive about my sexuality.
My first Splash Mocha event opened my eyes to a whole new world of sexuality.
Thank goodness, my wingman — Mr. BDJ — was by my side. His encouragement and support always gave me the confidence I needed to go where I’d never gone before.
But when I stepped into the open playroom, I was welcomed with open arms. Any fears I held before quickly disappeared once I started talking with these well-educated, successful black men. As I started to relax, I began to enjoy my first BBC (Big, Black, Cock) experience.
At the outset, I feared I wouldn’t be able to physically handle multiple men. Now, this fear seemed ridiculous. My body was more than capable of handling multiple men. If truth be told, the whole experience was exhilarating.
Life. is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable.
Helen Keller
In fact, the highly reserved me proved to be so popular, I was invited to a private gang bang experience — custom made just for me. I couldn’t say no. When opportunities in life present themselves, you can’t shy away from them. If you say no once, it’s unlikely you’ll be invited again.
So since this event was in Houston, I grabbed the bull by it’s horns and went for it.
I cannot describe how it felt to be the only woman invited to participate in an afternoon gang bang with eight fit, sexy, intelligent black men. It filled me with the same kind of nervous energy I felt as a teenager on my first date.
Following your heart also means eliminating the things that no longer evolve you
Erykah Badu
Let me be 100% clear, I never felt these men were taking advantage of me. Even though this was my first gang bang experience, I’m an experienced Hotwife in her early 50s. These men were pussy worshippers. All of these black men had a touch that was very different from any of the other men I’ve been with. It’s hard to describe but when they put their hands on my body, I could feel their desire. They made me feel like a sexual goddess.
As the afternoon activities came to a close, a camaraderie now existed. I know this might sound a little weird but our shared sexual experience had created a deep bond.
I knew I’d found my people, my tribe. I was now a Queen of Spades. I’d entered the next stage of my sexual evolution. Where will it go from here? Will there be another stage in my sexual evolution? Only time will tell.
Recap for Memory: Sexual Evolution happens in stages
Over the course of our lifetime, everyone will have a different sexual journey. Each one will be a unique and deeply personal experience.
The six stages of my sexual evolution taught me a few things. Whether you choose to be as adventurous as me or not doesn’t really matter. I know you’ll chart your own way.
Here is a summary of what my sexual evolution taught me:
- Always seek to grow, explore new experiences and hence adventure;
- Be open to new sexual experiences, at least once, maybe more;
- Don’t worry about what others might think, you only have one life, let others live theirs;
- The need for human touch and connection is important at all ages;
- Find your tribe or community of like-minded people; and most importantly,
- Embrace and celebrate your sexuality.
© Copyright Belle de Journey 2023
Belle du Journey writes on Medium about sex, life, and relationships. If this story appears anywhere other than Medium.com, it is without my consent and has been stolen.
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