From Extrovert to Introvert: How I Found My True Self
All my life I saw myself as an extrovert. But a few years ago, starting a path of conscious personal-growth — seeking my true Self-, I began to doubt the accuracy of this denomination. I then named myself an “antisocial extrovert”.
Analysing my personality, I recognized several traits of extrovert people, but, even so, I never felt as being one. This lack of certainty about myself was stopping from achieving a full understanding of who I was.
Self-improvement begins with a keen awareness of Self.
Now that I’m going through another introspective phase, I felt the need to go deeper into this understanding: why don’t I always behave as extroverts do? How can I both hate and love social events? Why is my loneliness so more important than my social life?
Some articles I read on Medium helped my self-knowledge process, but I haven’t read anything related to this specific matter. To be fair, I never searched for “Introvert” because, as I said, I wasn’t one.
Yesterday I decided to go to my favourite bookshop to look for books on this theme, as well on personal development. I left the store with two books: one about self-love, and the other about Introverts, written by Susan Cain. The book is Quiet. The power of Introverts in a world that can’t stop talking.
I never thought of buying a book about Introversion, sure I was I didn’t belong to “those type of people”. If it was months ago, I wouldn’t even read the synopsis, but now, that I’m questioning several things about myself, the title got my attention.
I start reading it when I got home, and, amazingly, after reading the introduction, I had so many answers to my doubts. Small things about my personality that always confused me were now so clear. And it only took a few minutes of reading!
Due to my general positive social skills — I enjoy to go out, I am at ease with my friends, and I talk to strangers —, I’ve always assumed I was an extrovert. But, because I also acted in an antagonist way, it was very confusing to understand how I work.
Reading Quiet, I was able to pinpoint where I was mistaken: I thought introverts were shy people. As Cain clarifies in her book, it’s very common to confuse these two traits of personality: introversion and shyness. But in spite of introverts can be shy, that doesn’t necessarily happen.
“Shyness is the fear of social disapproval or humiliation (…) Introversion is a preference for environments that are not overstimulating”. ~ Susan Cain
In Quiet, Cain presents the main traits of extrovert and introvert people. So at the age of 46, I find that I am an Introvert. Not an extrovert: an introvert! I still can’t get my head around it.
I’m now going to present you the main personality traits Cain identifies in Introvert people. For each one, I also present you my “wooow moment”, how I came to realise how wrong I was all my life. How, in fact, I belong to “that kind of people”: the introverts.
“Introverts may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while wish they were home in their pajamas”
Until recently, this was something that made me feel bad with myself, sometimes even questioning if I was “normal”. If I enjoy spending time with my friends, why do I want to go back home before everybody else?
It doesn’t happen every time but is more often than not. I suddenly feel exhausted by being with them, and I need to go back to the peace and quiet of my house. It didn’t make sense to me as they are fun and enjoyable people, I‘m always laughing around them. So why do I need to leave!? I’ve got my answer.
Now, I no longer feel guilty to always take my car when going out, even if someone offers a lift. I can come home whenever I feel like it.
I am a sociable person, but as an introvert, I can only endure so much. I am “normal”!
“They [introverts] prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues and family.”
Last week I went to a job interview and the first part was a group assessment. I had to be in the same room with other 17 people that I never saw before and engage in activities with them. Trust me, it was a nightmare (but I’m proud of how I cope with it).
I’m alright in meeting new people, but having to interact with a group of strangers can be challenging. On the other hand, if you see me with my friends, I’m a completely different person, I initiate conversations, I make jokes and I tease people. I am a fun person to be around with. Frequently, when I’m with my friends, I’m the centre of attention.
This ambivalence was always very confusing for me: how can I be the person that hides in a group and, at the same time, be the person that leads the group?
Reading Cain’s explanation made all sense: my social energies are dedicated to situations where I feel “at home”.
“They listen more than they talk.”
Looking back, this definitely wasn’t me: I used to talk a lot. I still do, but the difference is that now I listen more than I talk.
I’m more selective with my conversations: I don’t feel the need of participating in all of them, as before. To be honest, sometimes people are talking around me and I don’t even engage, I prefer to stay in my mind.
This can come out as rudeness to you, but not to me. It’s me being honest. Not all subjects interest me, so why would I have a saying on it? While before, when I was younger, I would have an opinion about everything that was being said (trust me: everything), now I chose where to spend my energies.
“Introverts think before they speak.”
This applies to me most of the time, but my impulsivity is still a work in progress. Sometimes things come out of my mouth without giving them enough thought. It happens mostly with friends, where I feel very comfortable, where judgment is not an issue for me. If I say something stupid or with no sense, we just laugh and move forward. If it’s a formal social/professional scenario I do think before I speak, or I keep quiet.
“Introverts often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation.”
This one is self-explanatory, reflecting perfectly who I am, since a young age. The written word, more than the spoken one, is my ally.
“Introverts tend to dislike conflict.”
In the social setting, conflict is the thing that scares me the most. I will avoid it at any cost.
But, curiously, this was another personality trait that shifted in me. Not that I liked conflict before, but I used to see it as a challenge (and those I still love).
For me, engaging in conflicts was a way to improve my debating skills and, more important, to conquer some kind of credit, like “I know more than you do”. I didn’t, not always at least. But I was more argumentative than everybody, stubborn and, yeah, stupid.
The change for the opposite side— hating conflict — occurred when I start to read about self-awareness and energies. I learned it was better to save the later for what was really important, and improve the first, independently of others.
You don’t have to “beat” no one in an argument to prove your point, or to achieve “reason”. You need to prove nothing to no one. You have to be yourself and to feel good with yourself. All the rest will fall in place.
Self-acceptance is the key: you don’t need others to feel valued. You are enough for yourself.
“Many [of introverts] have horror of small talk but enjoy deep discussions.”
I recently started yoga in a new studio. I like to arrive a bit earlier, so I won’t rush on my way there or be late to class. Apparently, others feel the same because everybody arrives about ten minutes earlier. As usual on social gatherings, the group talks among them, it always starts with the weather (yes, it’s really a thing in England). And what do I do? I grab my book and read until it’s class time. I just can’t cope with small talk.
I am aware that my distance might be interpreted as being un-polite or even a rude person, but it’s what makes me feel comfortable. In the two months I’ve been to the yoga studio, twice a week, I haven’t talked with no one, besides the usual compliments -hello and goodbye. I enjoy being in a shared place and feel the joy of others, I just don’t want to be an active part of it.
It might happen that I’ll get close of one or two people of that group, but not thanks to small talk.
Happiness and emotional wellbeing are deeply connected with Self-awareness.
You have to know yourself in-depth to identify and adjust the personal traits you’re not comfortable with. Only when you embrace your true Self, you can fully accept and Love yourself.
Until I read the introduction of the book Quiet, I thought a part of me was weird. I was fine with it, but I didn’t have a full understanding. Now, acknowledging that I’m an introvert person, I can accept that my ambivalent reactions have a reason to be.
I still need to read and understand better the concept of Introvert, but, for a start, it became easier to embrace, as a whole, my true Self. Me, an introvert.
